Friend's daughters are so rude

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A bit of a delicate situation. My best friend has 2 teenager daughters, neither of whom say so much as "thank you" when I send them birthday/Christmas presents. In the past, I would always ask her what the girls would like for presents and friend would give me a few ideas. But in last couple of years I've stopped bothering to ask because I never get a thank you anyway. The girls have quite niche hobbies, so presents were usually centered around those. I'd order from specialist suppliers. It ended up being expensive and totally thankless so I've just started to send them a bit of chocolate and bath sets etc. AIBU to think it's just rude not to say thank you? My own kids are the same age as hers and I've always made sure they either write or message people to say thank you for gifts.

My nephew (12) is the same. I usually post his gift. He's autistic and doesn't always pick up on social norms. What really got me was when we all actually exchanged gifts in person. I made sure my children (one of mine is also autistic) both said thank you, and SIL didn't even prompt him to say thank you. He just opened his gift and started playing with it.

Conversely, when we had a falling out with SIL and I sent it to his Dad I got a thank you, because his Dad made sure of it.

I still send a gift because it would cause massive family drama if I didn't and in the end, it's not actually his fault.

I like the sentiment of it being better to give than receive but I think some people take it too far.

So if it isn't physically handed over, what then?

Presumably you'd say thank you just so the giver knew you had received it if nothing else.

My friends tween daughter never says thank you, for anything. I've slowly withdrawn treats and any meaningful gifts, as the sense of entitlement grates.

Well in the first place I think ideally it's polite to open a gift there and then unless, say, it's for a birthday and it's not that day yet. Not doing so otherwise implies lack of interest/appreciation of the effort the person has made to get the gift imo.

And secondly the 'thank you' at that point doesn't really count in my book because it's just the normal 'thank you' you say when you take an item from someone unless you don't do that either it doesn't acknowledge the effort/thought put into the gift imo.

Well obviously sending a thank you when it's recieved is the same as being handed it

But it might arrive before the day so the thank you is not actually for the exact gift

It isn't always possible to open immediately for example if it's given at a party or handed over at work or fetched from the car just as you're leaving... it doesn't imply lack of interest at all. It's a lack of time.

That's a you problem. "Thank you for the gift" isn't the same as "Oh thanks for passing that over".

All this "appreciate the effort" crap is saying "make a fuss of me for what I did. Stroke my ego"

Yep incredibly rude. We stopped buying for female relative when we didn't get a thank you.
On her significant birthday we were actually asked if we'd sent anything as she hadn't received it.
Felt so guilty we sent her money.
Still never got a thank you.
Obvs we should have said our reasons at the time but didn't want to cause an argument.
Never again!!
I was always made to sit down and write thank you cards. Nowadays a txt would do.
If they can't be bothered to do that why should we bother!!!!

I wonder do the parents know the girls are rude? Last year I has reminded DS to thank my family for sending stuff and got a smart answer, do you think I'm stupid that I don't know manners etc. I found out quite by chance months later that he had never thanked anyone.

Why are you still sending them anything?

Write in an empty card: "I hope the enclosed will bring you lots of fun and pleasure".
You'll have a text before the day is out.

Agree it's not always convenient to open it there and then, but as far as your last paragraph goes you're just wrong, certainly where I am concerned. Ego doesn't come into it. I love making someone happy with a carefully chosen gift. And yes the loving it is somewhat a 'me' thing, but personally I think taking pleasure in seeing that you've made someone happy is a nice part of human interaction. And plenty of people feel that way. There's enough in the world to be cynical about already, without digging for selfish motives around a predominantly happy thing like gift-giving.

I am curious, though, as to whether someone's ever had a go at you for not appearing pleased enough with a gift they've given you (in which case obviously they are in the wrong, that's just churlish), because parts of your posts have a somewhat butthurt feel to them...

Gratitude never goes out of style imho!

Love it 😂

My godchildren took years to thank me. The girls now do (they are older teens and we have independent relationships), godson really can't be arsed. It annoys me.

Rude not to thank - a quick call or even a text takes no time at all. I wouldn't bother with gifts in the future, just send a card.

Yes bad manners. My sil was very casual. We were always reared to say thank you. Even a quick text

I would ask the friend if the girls liked their gifts. Say, ‘I didn’t hear anything, so I wondered if they were pleased with their gifts’. Then stop, because it’s clear that giving them gifts is not giving you any joy.

Very bad form not thanking you for gifts. I had the same problem with gifts to a great niece and nephew. I started spending the money on charity payments Oxfam at Xmas (buy a bunch of chickens or pay for a goat sort of thing). I would send them the cards purchased to show the gift and explain that as children here received what they wanted from their parents, I had sent the charity contributions on their behalf instead of a present me. It was surprisingly well received and they both proudly showed off their gift cards at school.

What does amuse me is that I'd be willing to bet a lot of these 'a gift should be freely given with no expectation of thanks, otherwise it's all about YOU!' types are also the first to get up in arms if people don't get their kids anything at all.

In some cultures saying thank you isn't as common as it is in UK.
I learnt the hard way as having a foreign Mum and not being taught to do this does on British culture appear rude and I accept this.
If you are that upset by the lack of thank yous than don't give.If you enjoy giving presents( wish I do) don't worry about it.

I think the point is they don't thank OP in any shape or form. Pretty sure OP isnt expecting a handwritten letter on scented paper with a wax seal on the envelope!

The fact that you "make" your DD write thank yous answers your question!

Does the mum say thanks on their behalf? Are you close with them? They might not feel they know you well enough. Maybe the mum Doesn't tell them it's from you. And they open presents all at once. Teenagers are a little selfish

We had this with relatives. No thanks at any point from the children or their parents when they were very small. Phased it out but I doubt it's even been noticed.