Friend's daughters are so rude

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A bit of a delicate situation. My best friend has 2 teenager daughters, neither of whom say so much as "thank you" when I send them birthday/Christmas presents. In the past, I would always ask her what the girls would like for presents and friend would give me a few ideas. But in last couple of years I've stopped bothering to ask because I never get a thank you anyway. The girls have quite niche hobbies, so presents were usually centered around those. I'd order from specialist suppliers. It ended up being expensive and totally thankless so I've just started to send them a bit of chocolate and bath sets etc. AIBU to think it's just rude not to say thank you? My own kids are the same age as hers and I've always made sure they either write or message people to say thank you for gifts.

My two DS always say thank you. They get to choose if they want to call or write. I feel this is the parents' responsability though even though my 14- year old is very greatful for everything he gets no matter how small and immediately says "I must say thank you". What's good with ASD is they stick to the rules😁

My sister’s two daughters never once said thank you for the beautiful birthday and Christmas presents I gave them. I asked her about it once when they were small and she said they got so many presents they could never remember who had given them what. Nice.

That's awful, isn't it? Your sister is really at fault here.

Great idea about the thank you cards!

But you have thanked them
When they give it you. It's thanking them for the thought, not like a thanks to the postie

Wanting praise for the "time money and effort" is self interest and says "I brought this because I want you to tell me how wonderful I am"

How old? My children say thank you either in person, on the phone or draw a thank you picture but we have to prompt it because there's not a chance they'll remember what is from whom, particularly when half of them they only see maybe once a year so don't really know. If I didn't write a list I'd have no idea myself.

To be honest I'm actually glad we only have a small extended family sometimes. Opening of presents should be a fun activity. Having to sit and write down a list of which relative none of us have seen in a bloody decade gave which present so we can write the right thank you note would just be another tedious admin task.

Interesting. The idea that you don't thank people because they are benefiting from the gift , not you is messed up.imo.
I don't think it matters why the person has given you a birthday/Christmas gift. It could be convention or it could be because they want to be "lady bountiful". The point is ...they got you a gift, just be polite and say thank you. Because you don't know.
We aren't talking about a stalkers or twatty boyfriends obviously . The thread is about kids who haven't learnt to be appreciative.

But you HAVE said thank you. Upon receipt

Expecting thanks after seeing what it actually is is making the gift about you rather than the reciever. And it should be about the receiver

Choosing something you hope someone will enjoy is very much about the receiver. Obviously if someone has taken time and trouble to pick a gift that suits the recipient, it's natural to hope it's given pleasure. That doesn't make it about the giver.

I can't imagine not bothering to thank someone after I'd unwrapped a gift that had been thoughtfully chosen for me, to let them know I liked it.

Choosing what they like is about them
Getting aggie because they don't gush at you about how amazing it was is about you

Choosing what they like is about them
Getting aggie because they don't gush at you about how amazing it was is about you

Wow, how unpleasant. And untrue for most people, I'd say. I certainly can't relate to it.

Are you normally this triggered by the concept of basic gratitude?

Do you insist people have to thank you multiple times?

If someone thanks me for a present when they recieve it, that's enough. It's nice to get a thanks afterwards as well but it's not required and I certainly don't think "well you don't deserve gifts from me any more"

The OP said that messaging would be fine too.

Didn't you ever question whether you were sending it to the wrong address?

Nobody expects copperplate writing on watermarked Basildon Bond, but a text, email or phone call should be within the capacity of most teenagers. Not saying thank you in any shape or form is just plain rude.

We write thank you notes. It takes five minutes and acknowledges the effort made. I write often to family relatives too. It’s a lost art and it’s always been appreciated. A thank you in any form is acceptable, and it is very rude to say nothing at all.

Basildon Bond 🙈 that’s given me flashbacks.

Every year, without fail, after Christmas and birthdays, it was expected of me to sit up at the dining table and write thank you letters on Basildon Bond, with my fountain pen. If there wasn’t the luxury of a line guide included with the pad, I had to draw faint pencil lines using a ruler, then erase them once the ink had thoroughly dried. Acres of space to fill up with seemingly meaningless shite to relatives I barely knew but I’m sure were very grateful for my efforts. Hard work but it certainly instilled an iron-clad sense of responsibility in me to thank. And to pass that discipline on to my children.

Fast forward to 2010 and the discovery of notecards for my girls to quickly scribble in was a revelation to me. It certainly made the agony of getting them to write their thank yous a lot easier. Nowadays we have it so so easy with phones and texts! There’s no excuse not to thank at all, really. But up to a certain age I do think it’s up to the parents to enforce it.

I agree it’s rude but I also think that teens need to learn natural consequences. To avoid any issues with your friend I’d just tell her once that you’re stopping the gift giving and suggest she does the same for your daughters. I think it’s the parents’ role to ensure that gifts are acknowledged when children are young but most children of secondary school age should be able to manage it themselves. They may not even be bothered and might be happy for the gifts to stop.

My Aunts and a couple of my mum’s friends used to send my children gifts and tbh my children had no real understanding of who they even were as they had only met them once or twice in their lives (or in the case of my mum’s friends, never!). My aunts always made it very clear that they required a thank you letter (one aunt showed me her folder of thank you letters from her grandchildren and nieces/nephews). I used to make my children write to them but I stopped when they reached 12/13 and instead passed on the appropriate phone numbers and suggested they text or call instead. Now I leave it up to them to maintain their own relationships with these adults as they see fit. I feel like I’ve done my bit and they need the freedom to transition into adults and manage those relationships as they see fit.

No kids would ever write or send a thank you card / text unless prompted by their parent.

The whole thank you debate is really a comment on the parent. Personally i don't think you should give presents to get thanks. If you aren't happy no getting a thank, stop.

It's a societal norm , a basic courtesy to thank someone for a gift .
Maybe you were dragged up in which case this isn't the thread for you .

It's super simple - yes they're rude, there's no argument that can be made that they're not. Doesn't matter why they're rude, doesn't matter what your friend lets them away with it. Either put up with their rudeness or stop giving them gifts.

A text fulfils the same function though.

I WhatsApp a video of DS to say thanks- he has special needs so writing is out. It might take a week of so for him to be in a place to do it but it always gets done eventually.

Of course not, but a thank-you at some point after the gift has been opened is basic manners in my book.

And not in mine

That's expecting extra thanks. "Happy birthday hands gift over" "Oh thank you as takes gift you shouldn't have. I'll open it later"

If they're stood in front of you as you open it, not saying thank you feels odd because they're there. But to go out of your way after the fact, so if it was given in advanced or at a time opening wasn't convenient, is just a nicety and not expected