Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

[marriagehelpplease]

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

The fact you won’t tell your family tells you everything you need to know. Good luck OP. Hope pregnancy goes well and hope you’re the exception not the rule but I won’t hold my breath. God love you.

This is such a mess, I don't know how I got here—but hopefully, there's a way to fix this

Well, there is.

Leave him.

The way you keep second guessing yourself is so sad. He is a grown adult responsible for his own actions not blaming you for his behavior. I think you could both do with working on yourselves but separately.

You can't dictate the answers on here, I'm sorry

He's horrible and veering towards (if not already there) abusive

It's fine if your family dislike him - he's very dislikeable

We're not dismissive of your mental health!

We are frustrated that you are not listening.

There is no magic cure. There is a guarantee - he will get worse when the baby comes.

So yes, it's black and white, Stay and live in misery and probably fear

Or get away and do the best for you and your child

And don't tell me they haven't noticed what he's like.

You keep coming up with one excuse after another for his bad behaviour. And yet you can’t see that you have been abused, are being abused and you and your child will continue to be abused.
Did you come on here to have your ears tickled?
What you fail to realise is that most people who say ltb say so because they themselves have been in that position and can quickly recognize the pattern of abuse.
The been there, done it, own the t-shirt type thing.
It is genuinely painful to have been through it and watch while someone else is walking eyes wide open into the same hell hole.

OP having read your latest update there is another way to look at this that might help you: you’re just not compatible.

The bickering, the nastiness, the arguing… it shouldn’t be like this. It doesn’t have to be like this.

Like other posters I think he’s abusive and blames you, but you may not be ready or willing to hear this. But surely it’s clear to you that you don’t bring out the best in each other? You don’t calm and complement and fulfil each other?

I found it very difficult to leave a similar relationship when there was no baby in the equation, so I can only imagine how hard this is for you.

But I did eventually accept the incompatibility (and later the abuse) and stop trying to fix things by trying to change myself or stop having any feelings.

I hope you can try to look at this a little dispassionately and accept that this relationship is doomed (I’m so sorry to say that) and find a way to move forward. You don’t want a child raised in this awful environment you’re living in right now. You don’t want to keep living like this either. So much better is possible! Sending so many hugs.

You aren't listening to anyone other than your nasty abusive husband! I'm not really sure why you bothered posting here for advice when you're not taking any of it.
He shouldn't be abusive when you're doing things which you state are to do with your mental health, he should be supporting you, his behaviour is not normal regardless of how you behave.

his reactions are always a reaction to mine.

”the missus got a bit mouthy so I had to give her a slap”

”she was asking for it”

😳🤐

He is unkind- drinking your juice, mocking you, not going out to get the things you need. Selfish. Uncaring. Disrespectful of you and of your baby.

As a pp has said, if you don’t want to accept that he is abusive then don’t- I couldn’t accept it for years and I kept on saying to myself, “he doesn’t hit me, it can’t be abuse” but I walked on eggshells and at times I was frightened of him because he was unpredictable and had a mean side. But the examples you have given are of really unpleasant behaviour anyway- your relationship doesn’t sound mutually kind and supportive and it is ok to say you’ll live separately and co-parent. You don’t have to accept that his behaviour is abusive, but I would love you to see that you don’t have to put up with it anyway.

He says he does have a nasty streak, but it's triggered by me he says. For example, I got angry and aggressive (not physically) but clearly visibly angry when he didn't wash his hands and then went to wash them in the kitchen sink and wipe countertops.

What I see is that he purposely triggered you, by not washing his hands after the loo, then wiping his filthy hands purposely again all over the counter tops.
He did that to you op.
Then you got angry, rightfully so!

He's gaslighting you and I know it is confusing and that's the point of it. It's hard to keep things straight in your head and you just want to believe him, I know you just want everything to be ok.

Is there any way you can get away from him to clear your head, a few days at your mum's or a friend to get it all straight and see clearly?

This is not a healthy relationship, OP. It’s not working. Not to mention that it’s not a good environment to raise a child in.

I've booked a private counselling and took posters advice to talk to midwife who was sadly useless,

She didn't comment on anything and asked if I want a referral to the crisis unit and that she has no idea what the timescale is.

I still feel alone but I've had abit four hours discussion with DH working through things and while things have been much better I'm not convinced we are through everything and it's fully sorted. But we are working on it.

I am going to get my MH together and then when I can see clearly look at how to move forwards. I can't get through anything, I'm even starting to feel there's conspiracies against me from all sorts of strange places, I'm not myself. I cannot make decisions right now whether posters agree or not.

Your mental health would improve greatly if you escaped this awful relationship.

Well done OP… it’s not easy. Esp when you’re pregnant, and you’re struggling with your mh. I imagine you must be feeling very vulnerable at the moment, but good on you for reaching out for support. You can do this, one step at a time.

I know parts of the country don't have perinatal services but they have a local mental health team. If your midwife is not helpful then speak to another one on the team. Your GP should refer you to a local mental health team or sometimes you can refer yourself. It's a postcode lottery on where you can get support, I'm in London and have been so lucky with the support I've received.

Concerning your marriage I can totally relate with you. I also sat and looked at my behaviour and I would say to myself well if I wasn't rude or if I didn't make him feel small then he'd be better. I'm very self aware of my behaviour and so was he to be fair but as much as we both really tried we couldn't get past the violent outbursts. It's actually quite sad to look back on because we both loved each other and 90% of the time we were in sync but that 10% would destroy us and all we had work hard for. We both came from abusive childhoods, both experienced bullying from a dominant parent. This unfortunately played a huge part in how we would react during high emotional arguments. Sometimes as previous posts have mentioned you both may not be compatible. Your MH may play a part and that's not a reason to fault you, or use it as a reason to behave in that way maybe he is unable to support your condition which is not easy in itself to live with someone who has MH issues but again that is no excuse. I think you both need to trial a separation period in saying that I know it's not the best time because you will need support during your pregnancy and when baby is born. Does he have family that he can stay with or would support this? Then maybe he could come over during the day when baby is born, hopefully support you then go somewhere in the evenings.

@RedRumRed it was actually worse before, thanks

@RichTea90 and @MosaDiCello thank you both, your posts have been helpful and supportive