Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

[marriagehelpplease]

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

@marriagehelpplease kindly, from your posts, this is not you being off meds or anything else. It is him. He will not change. He should be cherishing you and instead he is belittling you, telling lies about you and, being the one with dogs, if he can’t wash his own hands then the thought of his lack of hygiene with them (and your comments about the work surfaces) - just NO.

He is not a nice person, I’m sorry.

Firstly, if your doctor agrees it's safe for your baby, get back on the antidepressants. This is not because I think any of this is your fault but because you need to be able to think clearly about what is happening in this relationship. I say this as a long-term user of anti-depressants and know how bad things can get when you're off them.

Secondly, I would plan how to leave / kick him out and prepare to go it alone. He's a gaslighting abuser. He's no good for you and won't be good for your child. You can do this.

Abuse often gets worse during pregnancy. It won't get any better once your baby / child is here to witness it too. Sorry OP but you are in denial, there is no fixing this level of psychological abuse.

He locked you in a room. That is messed up.

@bangwam1 is correct

This is absolutely your husband, and the advice you're getting given is to leave him before things get worse for you and your unborn child. Quite why you want to make it work I cannot fathom!
What do you actually get out of the relationship?!
My DH works hard, long hours, I'm on maternity leave, he cooks daily, he shares the housework, in fact probably does more than I do, he looks after DC, he does the food shopping, he would do absolutely anything for us. That's love and a marriage to stay in, not yours.

I've been where you are now OP.
It took me until my son was 18 months to finally leave. It doesn't get better trust me.

The piling up of the dishes were my dishes from the breakfast I had cooked for us both. He says I'm very messy and take advantage of the fact he's not and thinks by doing any washing up that isn't his it will encourage me to be worse.

He also gets very angry that I never empty the drying my rack after washing up, it's just ridiculous.

I understand and agree I'm not domesticated but I make up for it by making him a lot of money (I don't mean this in a pimp way lol i don't share my money with him other than split the bills 50:50, I'm just saying the costs of replacing in my career would cost him much more than. Housekeeper, so what does her expect I cannot be Perfect st everything)

But I did just think can he honestly not just wash up give I'm sick?

He will leave one glass if it's mine - he refuses to ever watch anything up of mine even so much as a knife. Is this not just really immature?

I try and not do the same to show I'm the bigger person but then I get annoyed and sometimes pile his up too because when I do this he still doesn't see how ridiculous it is.

Op is this seriously what you’re taking from all this? Please read people’s posts

OP you keep asking for advise on how to fix this but you can't! You can not change your husband, he will not get better, treat you better or be considerate of your feelings by you changing anything you are doing. All you can do is decide if being treated like this is something you are willing to live with and subject your child to or if you are going to put a stop to it by leaving.

Nothing you do will make him change for the better the only change you might see is him treating you worse as you shrink yourself more and more to try and appease him.

Tell your mum what he is really like and just watch her face that will tell you all you need to know about how appalling this man is. Or imagine your DC telling you their partner treated them like this what would you say to them? It wouldn't be 'have you tried x,y, z to appease them?' It would be 'darling leave them and come home!'

You know how unhappy you are now.

Imagine how you’ll feel in the middle of the night, a crying baby in your arms, still recovering from giving birth, exhausted, hungry, hormonal and you need him to change the baby, give you a hug and tell you it’ll be alright. Is that what he’ll do?

Or will he use the baby to hurt you even more, mock your tears, diminish your exhaustion, berate you for the mess, tell you to get your own glass of water, insist the baby’s nappy can wait?

My advice would be to contact domestic abuse charities for advice and keep records of his abusive behaviour.

Tell people in real life who you can trust and have an exit strategy for you and your baby for when living with him becomes unbearable or when you feel that he is not only a danger to you but to your baby.

I seriously don't think there's any point in people commenting any further, the OP has clearly made up her mind to stick with this man however abusive he becomes, and is just burying her head in the sand. It's a bit like an addiction really, we can all tell her how bad this man is for her, but until she realises it for herself, probably when he abuses their child, she's not going to do anything about it.

So, OP, at this stage I'm out!

All peppe are doing is saying he's vile and get out, there are few supportive posts here or posts actually stating what is so abusive about the behaviours while I know it's not right, I feel posters do make things very black and white.

Perhaps I do need to seek someone out IRL.

What's specifically do people expect from their partner?

If you're I'll for example?

If your mental health struggle for example?

There needs to be fair division of labour.
The housework is not the biggest problem here by far but if he can't step up when you are not well now it will be much much worse one baby arrives.
It's called teamwork. When I'm poorly my DH will do everything that needs to be done. We all live in this house and when one can only give 10% the other does the other 90%.

OP you mention how the links talk about physical abuse and I may have misinterpreted your words but you seem to think the advice doesn’t apply to you because he’s not as of yet been physically abusive. Let me be clear, emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse except when bruises heal the mental torture lives on in the mind for many years to come if left untreated.

Having a baby will only exacerbate problems and make things worse. Sleep deprivation and lack of attention on them once baby is born can often spiral an abusive situation for it to then become physical. You said he was always bad but has gotten much worse recently. It’s not uncommon for this to happen once an abuser impregnates their partner as they believe they’ve trapped you. He’s aware of just how physically and emotionally vulnerable you are and that will only heighten once baby is born and he knows you will have to rely on him. But he can’t be relied upon can he? How much worse do you think it’s could to get once baby is born? He is unlikely to help you at all and may even blame you and get angry when baby is crying during the night and difficult to console. Babies feed off negative emotion and it’s just awful to even think about bringing a baby into a relationship such as this. When you get upset and scared, your baby can feel it too.

Please safeguard yourself and your unborn baby and get away because it’s not fair on your baby for you to put them through growing up in an environment like that. They don’t deserve it and only you have the ability to stop it. You have to leave one day whether you like it or not, this isn’t a decision that you have control over ultimately. One day you will realise this for yourself. Please tell your midwives everything that you’ve told us and let them help you.

I think you were able to cope with his behaviour when on antidepressants. He does not sound nice or loving. Neither a good partner nor future husband. The fact that you can't be honest with your family is extremely worrying.

I'm not telling my midwives so that they can alert authorities etc. no way, I'd rather talk to a private counsellor. Midwives don't tend to be helpful even with health related stuff so they will have no help with this, I'm sorry

Depends on how unwell I am. If I'm ill enough that I need a day in bed then that's what happens and the house runs as it needs to. DH will ask if I need anything, fetch any medicines if needed and offer food. If I go for a shower, he would remake or change the bed. I do the same.

We split housework 50/50 but also do what needs doing if we see it. DS who is 16 also does this.

Your relationship sounds abusive. He ignores you and does what he wants and treats you with zero respect.

Abuse isn't just physical.

You need help though? You are in an abusive relationship and are about to bring a baby into it.

It won't get better. It will always be your fault and eventually your babies fault.

If you are still with him when this baby arrives life is going to get an awful lot worse.

He will control and threaten you via the baby.

You have no idea how vile abusive men like him get once they know you can be controlled via a newborn baby.

Tell the midwife the truth.
Pack your bags and stay with family.
Do not have him at the birth.
Get legal advice.
Talk to Women's aid.

Protect yourself before the baby arrives because things become a lot more complicated afterwards.

Stop thinking how you can fix him.
Think about that poor child coming into a highly abusive relationship and home.

So sad. Tell people.
Help yourself.
Protect your baby while you have the chance.

Things I would expect from a partner when I'm ill in bed:

• showing care and concern, checking up on me regularly to see how I'm feeling
• looking after me (bringing me water, food)
• contacting GP if I need to see a doctor
• not leaving a mess for me to clear up

Things I would expect from a partner if I had mental health struggles:

• showing care and compassion
• not gaslighting me
• not frightening me

Things I would expect from a partner if I was pregnant:

• Showing an interest in the pregnancy
• Attending as many appointments as possible
• Not spreading poo germs around the kitchen on purpose
• Not trapping you in a room on purpose

OP, I have borderline personality disorder so I struggle with my mental health on a daily basis.

My ex (as I've outlined in my previous posts) was an awful man and the way you describe your husband reminds me very much of him, I was in and out of therapy when i was with him, didn't listen when they told me to leave, that he was exasperating my mental health condition etc. He would belittle me, gaslight me, emotionally and mentally abuse me, although at the time I didn't see this and made every excuse under the sun for him and often blamed myself and my head.

Fast forward to today. I am married to a wonderful man who has taken the time to understand my mental health condition. He's read about it, talked to me about it, talked to my psychiatrist about it so that he has the tools to help. He understands that my reactions aren't going to be rational sometimes and that sometimes I need a lot of reassurance and help to just stay sane. On the days i can't function or my head is in a spin, he'll de-escalate the situation (unlike my ex) and will ask how he can help and what do I need. He's patient and he's calm and he'll hold me when I've had a bad day and say there's nothing that can't be fixed. We have a baby and another one on the way and he's made everything so much easier. I have asked him before why he puts up with it and he says I've been let down enough in life, he loves me for me and he knew I had BPD when he married me and it's not something that has to dictate our lives.

I've been in a bad relationship and now a good relationship with BPD. My head is not and never has been the problem. Abusive relationships are abusive because of the abuser. Period.

@marriagehelpplease No one is going to post supportive messages because you have described being married to an abusive man.

I was married to someone similar and he got massively worse after I got pregnant and had my first child at the end of 2014, he beat me up quite savagely at the end of 2015 (black eye etc) - still I stayed and he went to therapy. He never went quite so far again but there was plenty of intimidation, pushing, shoving, smashing, petty cruelties etc. I had another baby in 2018. I left at the end of 2022.

I know you will think “well he’s never hit me” but honestly the constant unkindness, tit for tat, emotional cruelty, the feeling of being a single parent while married - was far far far worse than the physical abuse. When you factor in tiredness with a newborn your life with your H will be hell. Confide in your family now if you can and plan an escape route.

I now have a new partner, a kind and loving man who is the polar opposite of my ex. It is not normal for the person who should love yiu the most and be your safe harbour to terrorise you. Get out.

100% this. OP reading how he treated you and locked you in a room made me feel sick to my stomach. I’m sorry but he sounds abusing and a narcissist,

You mention your Mum - how is your relationship with her? Would you be able to share how you’re feeling and the examples of his behaviour with her?

My ex was like yours. Never came to obstetrician appointments. Refused to get up to the baby in the night. Refused to get a car seat in the first year of DS’ life so he would never have to do crèche drop offs or picks ups when I went back to work. Stayed at work as late as possible and then insisted on going out for long runs after I’d been at home with a baby and a toddler. Life with a man like this absolutely sucks. It is not your job to fix him.