Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

[marriagehelpplease]

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/couples-thrive/202304/hi-im-a-healthy-relationship

@Hyperbowl

He is honestly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. He’s non judgemental, generous with time and money,

When I met him he lived at home and his mum was going through chemo. He was 23. We met at a hobby group and instead of coming out with everyone afterwards for drinks he went home to make her food she liked. I remember thinking then that he was likely a kind man and it’s very true still nearly 20 years later.

You can't make it work my love, hes abusive.
There are no magic words we can give you to make him stop and turn into a decent human being.
You need to decide if you are going to carry on being abused (and bear in mind abuse usually ramps up with a newborn) and subject your child to the same or leave him.
Sorry, not what you wanted to hear

That is so heartwarming, especially for one so young. That’s when you know a person has a kind personality inside and out. No one is perfect but that’s the kind of man every woman deserves I think. I’m very happy for you, if only everyone was like that.

From my partner, I expect respect, honesty, kindness and communication.

When I'm poorly, he automatically takes care of all the house chores, he'll cook my favorite comfort foods, wash my pj's so I have a clean set to lounge about in, he'll bring me cuppas and then join me for a cuddle even if I'm all snotty and coughing.

If I'm struggling with my mental health, he listens to me talk it out, will reassure me how this will pass and remind me how strong I am.

He makes me laugh, pops my favourite shows on to cheer me up (even the ones I know he hates!).

After a big surgery last year, he gently helped me wash and dress.

Of course we have our spats but in the 24 years we've been together we have never been mean to each other/called names/been petty.

Neither of us are perfect but we're a team, and he's my biggest supporter.

Turn the question on it's head - what makes him a good partner? What do you want in a partner? Is he meaner to you than his colleagues and friends - would he mock them, refuse to help them, insult them? Ask yourself why does he treat you worse than other people....because he cares what they think of him, he doesn't care what you think of him. And that's a lack of respect for your feelings and opinions. You're the mother of his child and even that isn't enough to make him treat you better, so how does he actually like/love/care about in you?

Doing DIY, paying the bills isn't for your benefit, it's for his. So what if you have mental health problems - if he doesn't like it, he could leave instead of staying and punishing you for it. In sickness and health is a marriage vow, there are old men bathing and cleaning the bums of their sick wives - can you see him do that for you?

Think of a bad man - the kind who's a villain in a film. If you were to watch your relationship on telly, would you think your DH was in love with you and treated you well, it was a good relationship, or would you be screaming at the telly to get out? My partner would never mock me, be rude to me, punish me or ignore/neglect me. If I was sick, he'd be looking after me. If I told him I was scared of something or upset by something, he'd listen. He tells me he loves me seeing me smile and when i'm sad he's sad, so will do anything to cheer me up and calm me down. This is because he loves and respects me.

Your DH isn't going to be a good father. You can't treat a child's mother like shit and be a good father. It's a bad example and your children will grow up in an environment of nastiness and mean behaviour - no different to going to school with bullies. And you brought him into their life - their upbringing and future is entirely on you. You can do the right thing, be brave and selfless, put your child first and leave this toxic man. Or you can stay because it's easier for you and watch your child suffer and turn out exactly like their dad, or resent you for being too cowardly to leave.

Also why do you think it's normal for someone who loves you and cares about you to mock you, and dismiss your feelings, or be rude to you? Have you ever experienced someone just loving you for you and feeling safe and looked after, like you matter? If not, some therapy would help you understand you deserve better, you deserve to be treated with kindness.

Had a long discussion with husband tonight. Trying to process both perspectives

His view:
He acknowledges saying nasty things but claims it's reactive to my behavior - says I trigger him by being rude or passive aggressive. He believes my mood swings have gotten significantly worse since coming off medication (which is likely true). Regarding lack of support during illness, he explains this stems from his family culture where pushing through illness is something to be proud of (I've seen this in action - they almost pride themselves on it).

I can acknowledge some truth here - coming off meds has made my emotions harder to regulate, and yes, I can be passive aggressive when feeling unsupported. But I'm struggling with this being used to justify mocking me when crying, refusing basic hygiene requests, or the incident with locking us in a room.je said the room thing was his way of trying to help so that he could be confident I could get out of locked in again. I then said his timing was all off as we had argued seconds before therefore was ill judged to which he agreed and apologised.

I've arranged to see a counselor on my own since he won't attend couples therapy. I know my mental health needs attention, but I'm concerned that everything is being attributed to my medication change while his behaviors are being excused, I told him this he said he does try and has cut down drinking (I have noticed this a lot due to me keep telling him too), and he tried more than I think. I explained action are louder than words

Question: How do you separate legitimate relationship issues from mental health struggles? Can both be true - that I need better emotional regulation AND that some behaviors are concerning regardless of my triggers?

Just feeling confused about what's my mental health, what's pregnancy hormones, and what's genuinely concerning behavior that needs addressing.

Would especially appreciate hearing from others who've navigated pregnancy/mental health/relationship issues simultaneously

I think we have more to discuss and work through but this is the latest

He sounds like a nasty bastard. Abuse very often starts in pregnancy and I am very concerned this will escalate. Do you have anywhere else to go.

I would think your mental health struggles are because of him.

Sorry if someone has said this before but if you need to be medicated to endure your marriage it isn't much of a marriage.

Fucking hell OP. I’ve genuinely been thinking about you a lot today but I’m out. I sincerely hope you come to your senses soon.

It is possible that both (your mental health struggles and his unacceptable behaviour) are true, but if I was a betting woman I’d be confident to put my house on those things being linked.

What do you think it does for your mental health when he makes fun of and laughs at you when you are struggling? Or when he wipes his dirty shitty hands in the kitchen to get a reaction? Or when he refuses to attend appointments with you? Or God forbid when he literally locks you in a room?

What I’d be thinking if I was you is- if your child behaved like him in 20 years, would you be proud of them? Because I wouldn’t. And the only way to avoid that is to get away, now. If not for your own sake then for the sake of your child, they deserve far better.

Children learn about healthy relationships, what love looks like etc from watching their parents. So again, if your child was in a relationship like yours in 20 years, would you be happy for them? If not, lead by example and leave.

OP, he is making excuses and shifting the blame on you. You do not control his behaviour. He does. He could choose to respond in a mature way, but he chooses to be vicious instead. That is his character and it will not change if you go back on meds.

@Barney16 sorry that's uncalled for and quite rude - I had mental health issues before he came along thanks

@Earsburning1 thanks, and no worries. I do think the reactions on here are hardly helpful and very black and white. Dismissive of my mental health and if you want not that's fair enough.

So he's putting his behaviour onto you?

Is he unable to control his nasty behaviour?

He's pretty much turned it round and batted it back to you.

So you get help and sort yourself out, what will he do?

We teach toddlers how to own their behaviour and talk it through, why can this fully grown and functioning man not do the same?

I have said to you multiple times I have BPD. You don’t have the monopoly on mental health. You haven’t taken on board one thing that has been said which is totally your prerogative. The reaction has been helpful, it just isn’t what you wanted. There’s a difference. Genuinely wish you all the best of luck. Trust me you’re going to need it.

ps abusive relationships are black and white. Abuse is abuse. Abusers make it grey!

No mention of the lying about you in front of other people or not taking any interest in his own child...

You seem determined to allow this mam to f your kid up, I feel sad about that. Hope we're all wrong and he sorts himself out.

What did he say about not washing his hands after pooing and wiping his germy hands on the kitchen counter?

What did he say about trapping you in a room and laughing at you?

What did he say about his lack of interest or involvement in his baby?

The only good thing about your update is that your husband doesn't want to go to counselling.

It is never advisable to have joint counselling with an abusive man.

If you do go to counselling on your own, I hope you'll realise that your husband is a nasty, abusive person, who cares nothing for you.

You're quite determined not to accept that your mental health problems are not the cause of the problems in your marriage.

Your abusive husband is the problem. The end.

My DH was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. He eventually left when she assaulted him in front of their child. The abuse was mostly mental with a few physical assaults as well.

When we started seeing each other he couldn't believe I wanted to spend so much time with him. He told me he knows he's a lot to deal with, can be very annoying and difficult to live with. I've never found this. He's the nicest man I've ever met. But his ex made him feel like he was the problem and the reason why she behaved the way she did towards him.

My DH has ADHD and has some challenges when it comes to timekeeping, organisation and some other things, but I understand that he struggles with certain things and I do my best to support him. Things have improved over time because he's had the right support and understanding rather than someone making him feel like he's a useless arsehole.

Your DH is doing the exact same thing. Treating you like dirt then making you out to be the problem. No-one is perfect. I do things that wind my DH up sometimes and vice versa but it's never a reason to torment someone or ridicule them.

My DH didn't realise how abusive his previous relationship was until he was in a healthy one. Hopefully you come the the realisation soon that this relationship is abusive.

Domestic abuse often starts I'm pregnancy and it will likely escalate when baby is here and the coming years.
You need to have a long hard think. If he's unable to support you when you're pregnant, what help will he be in you're ever chronically unwell or need help again? It's hard to accept and I cannot urge you enough to look at the womens aid website- I think you'll find the FAQs on abuse particularly eye opening.
Best of luck to you x

People are clearly telling you it's not down to your mental health, he is gaslighting you & using your mental health as an excuse for it.

That's right.
@marriagehelpplease I do not think that anyone disagrees that you have poor mental health. After all, many of us do.

What you're not taking on board is that we're telling you that your husband is blaming the problems in your marriage solely on you and your poor mental health.

That is patently unfair and untrue. All the examples you've given demonstrate clearly that your husband is abusive towards you.

Your update shows that you haven't taken that on board at all. You're still looking for advice on how to change yourself.

Your husband is being cruel. He will get worse, trust me. Once the baby is born, the abuse will ramp up.

If you don't leave now, it'll be much, much harder to do so with a young baby in tow.

Please listen to the wise women of MN. Many of us have been where you are.