Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

[marriagehelpplease]

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

@marriagehelpplease can you get some counselling to help with your MH while off the meds? I also use the Calm app daily when I feel myself spiralling.

I do think you need to think about what you want from a partner and father for your child, and whether this man is giving you that. But to make any decisions, you need to be in a place where you trust your assessment of the situation and trust yourself to make the right decision.

I know you don’t want to be on antidepressants long-term but I’ve been on them for 15+ years now and it’s always a mistake when I try to come off them.

Your own MH is one thing. You are not wrong that he is being spectacularly unsupportive of the pregnancy. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but was it planned and was he on board?

If he was at all reluctant, you may find he takes the same attitude when the baby arrives. If he was enthusiastic about the baby before, he may step up once the baby is ‘real’.

OP I’m going to be frank then I’m not going to comment again because you don’t want help, you want us to justify your husbands behaviour and give you coping mechanisms how to deal with it and I just can’t do that. Not many will because it’s not ethically or morally right when there are children involved.

You say that you’re not going to let the midwives alert the authorities. Just think about that for a second. If they did do that they would only be doing do what is right by your baby when you’re not able to safely make a decision to safeguard yourself and your child. The likelihood is they wouldn’t call the authorities anyway. They would just offer you help and support that you need so you’re not isolated. Stop putting this man before your baby who you should love much more than him or yourself. Why are you not honest with your family? Why are you protecting this man who could end up seriously injuring you or your baby? Why subject your child to a life of misery for your own selfish reasons? You’re not even considering the damage he’s doing now let alone what damage may be yet to come.

The fact you’re aware that the authorities could be involved shows that you actually are fully aware of how serious this is and you know something needs to be done but you just won’t do it. You want everyone to tell you how to live in this situation. You can’t, and you shouldn’t. Midwives are fully trained to help in situations like this. With respect you have literally no idea what you’re talking about. You cannot hide an abusive relationship forever no matter how hard you try. If the worse happens and the abuse escalates to physical one day your little one is going to go to school and they may say something or nursery or to someone they trust. What if he hurts them, will you stop it or will you hide it? Absolutely heartbreaking and horrible things to have to say but questions needs to be asked. It could one day be a reality. A neighbour might report the things that they witness to the police or a concerned family member who hasn’t seen you for months and notice you’re not behaving normally might report it because they’re afraid for you or your child. What are you going to do? Are you going to ask your child to lie and pretend that he isn’t all of things that you’ve told us he is? One day, it may be years down the line the authorities will find out one way or another. Be it school, hospital or the police from a report. You’re going to have to prove that you can remove yourself from this situation when told to by social services or they can and will remove your child from you if you refuse. All people are saying is do it now so your baby doesn’t have to suffer as you do.

Your husband is vile and abusive.
Not looking for suggestions to leave?
What then?
You wanna go back on medication, so your life with this piece of 💩 is bearable?
How about putting yourself and your kid to be first?
Sorry you are in this situation.

Fine, read your updates.
Don't leave him, don't have any advice, then.
Perhaps when you're a bit older, you will see what he is. What a shame.
Good luck.

No sane person is going to give you advice and support you to stay with this man because you shouldn't.

You asked for examples of what to expect from a partner.

I do most of the cooking in my house because I really enjoy cooking. I'm a messy cook. My DH would never class the mess in the kitchen as my mess because he got to enjoy the results of that mess. I rarely have to clean the kitchen or do the dishes. My DH or the kids do that. We all have to eat so why should I be the only one cooking food and clearing up? It's a team effort. I cook, the little one takes the plates through, teen loads the dishwasher and DH wipes down the counters.

I do a bigger share of the housework because I work from home and DH works longer hours. Never once has my DH complained about the things not being done. If he comes home from work and the place is a mess he tidies it. If there's a load of washing needing hung he hangs it. If I want something done ai ask and he does it without complaining.

The livingroom was a mess at the weekend because we'd been doing Halloween arts and crafts. I went to the supermarket for our weekly shop, when I got home DH had tidied the livingroom, put on a wash, cleaned the kitchen and hoovered. He didn't say "arts and crafts were your idea, you got all the pens out, I'm not cleaning up your mess".

If I'm sick DH takes on my share of the housework and cooks. He takes time off work or finishes early if needed to do school pickups and look after our kid.

Your DH is not a team player. In a marriage you work together and support each other. It's worrying that you say he should be kind to you because you're pregnant. No, he should be kind to you because he's your DH and he loves you. My DH and I are kind to each other every day, always. Why would you spend you life with someone who wasn't kind to you?

My DH has never ridiculed me, never called me names and is my biggest cheerleader. We rarely argue, maybe once or twice a year and he always takes on board anything I say. Even when we argue we don't name call or ridicule.

How he can say the baby is more your thing than his is beyond me. Did you conceive by immaculate conception? Are you pregnant to another man? No. He's being ridiculous.

Oh dear, I'm not sure why you're so determined that people give you advice on how YOU can fix this relationship when all you've said shows that the issue in your relationship is all your partner. He should be agreeing to counselling to work through his issues.
Refusing to even wash up a cup or knife of yours is horrible behaviour - that in isolation isn't abuse but it's extremely immature and unattractive. Why does he think so little of you that he would refuse to do even the smallest thing for you? Why is he so petty?
You should be a team, sometimes one does more than the other to support each other as you can't always be at 100%, it shouldn't all be tit for tat and I'm only doing what's mine.
Repeatedly bringing up your ‘failings’ in arguments is extremely unkind and cruel. You are not being irrational by being upset by this. Why do you want to be with someone when you’re constantly on edge and afraid of doing something ‘wrong’.
The way he has talked about the baby being something for 'you' is very concerning as well. When you get really upset he does something minor in support to placate you and then it gets worse again. A classic abusive cycle.
Many men show their true colours when their partner gets pregnant and escalate their bad behaviour as they feel that they have you trapped now.
Not all abuse is physical! I have been in 2 abusive relationships, the first was predominantly emotional manipulation and control. The second escalated to physical violence. They were both abusive.
You say yourself that he treats you like dirt - why do you want that for your life? For your child to see you treated that way?
How do you think he will treat you when you are vulnerable emotionally and physically after birth? When you will do anything to protect your newborn. When you’re tired and overwhelmed. Do you think he will step up with housework so that you can nurse your baby for hours a day? Will he make you a cup of tea or lunch so that you can rest & recover? It sounds to me like he will leave everything to do with the baby to you & also expect you to care for yourself and the home whilst criticising how you care for the baby and blame you if the baby is crying.
If he doesn’t see what he is doing wrong and won’t agree to counselling then I don’t see how the relationship has a future - other than you continuing to believe his abuse and blame yourself for the relationship problems, he will wear you down so completely that you have no confidence in yourself and believe that you are crazy and that he does nothing wrong. Which is what he wants you to believe so he can continue to treat you like dirt.
With regards to expectations of partners:
I am currently pregnant with my second child. It's early days but I am exhausted and nauseous. My husband has been putting our toddler to bed, so that I can get an early night myself, if she wakes in the night, my husband goes to comfort her so I can get extra rest. He got up early with her this morning so I could sleep in longer, he dropped her at nursery, he cooks dinner for us and does nappy changes because it makes me gag. The cleaning of the house is very much on a back seat because of me being unwell and tired, but he never complains about that at all and wipes down surfaces when he has time to try and manage that situation too. He massages my back when it's sore.
Also, I have had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager; I had a very bad depressive episode before I had my first child and my husband struggled immensely because he didn't understand how to help me, but he never lashed out at me or made me feel like I was a bad person because of my mental health struggles. He was very calm and kind even though he was very upset and confused by how cold and distant I was at that time.

That really isn't true.
I'm a retired midwife.

Way back in the 1990s I had a patient who was in an abusive relationship. She was escaping him, and was going to travel back from London to Ireland that night, but had nowhere to go until her train left. She was absolutely terrified, and was 30 weeks pregnant. She was sure that her boyfriend would assault her again if she stayed in the house. Luckily, he'd gone out when I called at their house.

This was long before midwives routinely helped patients who were in violent relationships. But I'd been in one myself, and had escaped, and knew her terror.

I let her stay in a hospital room for several hours until it was time for her train. I told my manager that the lady was in danger.

I'd do that again in a heartbeat. It was about three years later that midwives started to get involved with VAWG.

The lady sent me a letter from Ireland when she got there. I was so glad that she'd made it.

Please tell your midwife about the abuse, OP. You're minimising it at the moment, and I'm sure there are worse things going on that you don't want to mention.

You need to get away, before your baby is born. It'll be much harder afterwards.

He sounds like he is objectively speaking not nice to you and doesn’t seem interested in his unborn child.

I am heavily pregnant with our third child. Not planned and my husband initially suggested considering “all options”. He’s come to all the antenatal appointments I wanted him at (multiple scans and several appointments with obstetricians). He takes the children so I can rest at weekends. In the evenings when my back is aching from the day he takes over bathing children and putting them to bed. He also works a high pressure job as a partner in a PE fund and does DIY during the late evenings so we can get the house ready for our arrival.

We still bicker as pregnancy etc is tough and some days we are both doing too much and exhausted.

You sound very reasonable in your expectations of your husband. In your shoes I think I’d walk away.

Mate this man is No Good. A baby crying a lot is going to be like putting lighter fluid on a barbecue. I’m so sorry. You cannot reason your way out of this.

@marriagehelpplease if I am ill my partner will look after me. He looks after me when I am not ill. He would never treat me so unkindly as yours treats you. He would not use my mess as a reason not to clean up his. He would not punish my (many) faults. We look after each other. We don’t leave each other’s washing up. We don’t keep score.

The only good advice is to leave OP, if you’re not interested in hearing that you’d be better off writing in a diary.

Not attending appointments for a high risk pregnancy when presumably you’ve asked him too, being generally dirty and not washing hands, locking you in a room, making fun of you when you cry, being unsupportive with your mental and physical health needs while carrying a child. Honestly if you stay with him then I sincerely hope you have somebody like your mum moving in with you because after birth, the physical and mental impact of that, sleep deprivation, newborn life, potential PPD/PPA, you will really struggle if this man is your only support.

I have anxiety and depression have been married to my husband/ with for 20 years. He has never made me feel bad when my emotions have been off kilter he has never made me scared and he has never belittled me for anything!

He looks after me when I'm ill, I don't have to ask him to he just does because he loves me.
He isn't petty, if I've left a glass that needs washing up he does it when washing up and vis versa.

I was ill recently. OH got up earlier than usual (and he already gets up before 6) so he could fit walking the dog and taking my DC to the school bus into his routine before work. He brought me drinks and medicine before he left for work. He made dinner and did the shopping, and when I was really bad he slept on the sofa so he didn’t disturb me when he got up.

He didn’t complain about any of this.

Things he does do:
what he says he will
give me hugs and affection with no strings
pays our bills with no strings
the horrible outdoor jobs AND his share of indoor jobs.
listen to me when I struggle with my mental health
listen to me when we argue, and address the points I make without manipulating me or weaponising anything he does

Things he never does:
mock me
lock me up
Shout at me, push me, hit me
lie to me
get angry when I do something like go out with my DC or my friends
give me the silent treatment

@Earsburning1 fwiw BPD is often diagnosed when actually the person has complex PTSD. I know two people (including myself) who have been told we have BPD and then later that it’s CPTSD. Usually stems from childhood, caregiver, or intimate partner trauma- of course for many of us, the first of those leads directly to the third.

Even if your partner is being irrational, it's cruel to play on those irrationalities, eg deliberately touch work surfaces before washing hands, choose the few minutes before an important meeting to test a door. A loving partner, even a friend, would not do that. It's on the same level as taunting a person with a disability by demanding they do something that their disability prevents.

I think my DH iistened to DC1s heartbeat about once. He did come to all my appointments because he wanted to support me.

As well as your relationship with him, you need also to consider his relationship to your DC. Children learn more from watching behaviours than from what you tell them. Will your DH be a good role model for your DC as to how to treat wives and other women?

My first husband (deceased) was very traditional, I was a SAHM. When I was ill he couldn't take time off work 80/90's but got a chippy on the way home and set up the house to make my life easier of a day. When I had my babies (bf) he'd take the older ones out, of a weekend, take us out for Sunday dinner. Tidy/clean as needed. I've had one arsehole partner, who did get physically abusive, but would have cleared all the dishes. Your partner is intentionally cruel, it's planned and that's why it's dangerous. He's going to destroy your MH. But you want to stay in an abusive relationship for whatever reason. I just hope that he doesn't use your inability to spot abuse and your anxiety/need for meds and get residency of your child, because I've seen it happen. He isn't a partner. He does nothing to support you. Women are at their most vulnerable after birth, you are taking a big risk. If he mocks your child for crying, are you going to dismiss it?

Someone abusive and narcissistic will not step up once a baby is born.

This, and statistics actually show that abuse gets worse during pregnancy and then once baby is born. Sleepless nights, partner being more reliant on their abuser physically/mentally/financially, it is really scary.

I think people aren't giving you advise because they don't think this should be fixed.

What does my DH do?

Does his fair share of jobs so we both get similar amounts of downtime. He gets breakfast, clears up afterwards, washes up, and cleans the kitchen, clears up and washes up after all other meals. Does some of the vacuum cleaning, does all the DIY jobs.

Always thanks me for a nice dinner. Lets me know I'm cherished, that I'm a good and capable person.

If I'm ill he steps up and does more, takes on anything I can't do. If I'm in bed he'll bring me drinks, food, hotwater bottles, whatever I need. Tells me to wake him if I'm awake in the middle of the night.

What doesn't he do?

Refuse to wash up my plates etc (why would it be his job to teach me to be less messy?)
Ignore my fears, whetehr justified or not.

@marriagehelpplease

no one can give you ‘advice’ to improve you marriage because you are with an abuser. I know you’re not there yet and able to accept it but it’s true.

Expectations around being ill? I get looked after. Food brought to me, hot water bottles made, special food if I want it. Going to the shop if I want something.

When I was pregnant I was quite unwell and had mobility problems. He did basically everything for the last two months. At one point I was too uncomfortable to lie in the bed and could only sleep sitting up on the sofa in a kind of nest. He came to sleep on the floor so I wasn’t lonely (I sent him back to bed - utterly bonkers).

We’ve been together 19 years. We’ve had maybe 5-10 serious arguments in that time with raised voices. Lots of disagreement but never name calling, aggression, explosions.

Far from perfect marriage but healthy. You need to learn what a healthy marriage looks like and understand how toxic yours is.

If he is annoyed, I wonder if he will smear shit in the kitchen when there is a delicate new born in the house.

What on earth have I just read? He sounds like a complete freak and a psychopath. Would you really want a man who doesn’t wash his hands after he takes a dump to be around a newborn? Plus all the other abuse. Please for the love of God leave this feeble excuse of a man and don’t put his name on the babies birth certificate. No one deserves this.

He's an abusive nightmare and you want us to help you find a way to tolerate him being near you and your vulnerable, innocent baby?

No, OP. Your child needs and deserves so, so much better than this. Maybe you won't realise until your baby is here and the utter fury of witnessing him mistreat him/her moves you to take action to put a stop to it. That's what happened to my SIL. Once she realised her precious baby girl was in danger, the gloves were off and the scales fell from her eyes. She saw him the way everyone around her saw him.

Wishing you all the strength you need 💐

Hi, OP. I also have depression and had to quit medications while I was pregnant (twice), and that isn’t your main issue here.

Besides all the things people have mentioned, I want to draw attention to how he’s so detached from the experience of being an expectant father. When I was pregnant with my first baby, my husband was not as fixated on plans for the baby as I was - but he gave a damn. He cared about the baby’s name and getting the room ready and baby-proofing the house and buying cat seats and furniture, and he took it as obvious that he’d be going to all my appointments when possible. At the time, I was disappointed, because I wanted the baby to consume his every waking moment, but in retrospect? He was fine. He was a little freaked out by the life-changing immensity of the situation, but he did what he needed to do without being asked. And he took great care of me when I couldn’t leave the house for two weeks because I couldn’t stop throwing up.

That’s not your husband. Yours is just detached from the whole experience in a way that really concerns me. Yours doesn’t seem to really want to be involved in any of this, and that is not going to end well. At best, he’s a threat to your emotional safety, and at worst, he’s a threat to your physical safety.

When I was pregnant I was quite unwell and had mobility problems. He did basically everything for the last two months. At one point I was too uncomfortable to lie in the bed and could only sleep sitting up on the sofa in a kind of nest. He came to sleep on the floor so I wasn’t lonely (I sent him back to bed - utterly bonkers).

That was so sweet and genuinely really lovely to read. I know that sort of treatment should be standard really but what a kindhearted gentleman to offer to sleep on the floor so you wouldn’t be lonely. 🥹 Amongst all the (understandable) negativity on this thread it’s nice to read from some posters who have that sort of a relationship with their partners. It sets that bar much higher as it should be.

Please don't be afraid.
My midwife was so helpful and so kind when I told her (and I only did after he finally felt after a minor argument) I also was so scared I would be put kn some kind of social services take the baby away list, but that's not the case at all. They will be kind to you, help you know what's normal and what isn't, give you extra care, put you in touch with Perinatal mental health - mine did on my request (as my ex had convinced me I was crazy) and I didn't meet threshold for support as I was just experiencing normal distress and trauma caused by him.