Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

[marriagehelpplease]

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

Then more fool you, bringing an innocent baby into this cruel shitshow of a ‘relationship’
He sounds rotten to the core and he won’t change.

Can people please give actual advice rather than just explaining how vile he is and please read my updated posts

The advice is clear - it won’t get better. Leave. And I say that with the absolute nicest and best intentions.

I’m sorry OP that we aren’t telling you what you want to hear and how to fix him. I can’t speak for everyone else but through my own experience I’ve pointed out in my posts, and yes I’ve read your updates, that this man is abusive and for the sake of you and your baby, get out. You can’t fix a situation person like this. I spent years trying to to my absolute detriment and I’m still going to a psychiatrist 5 years later

There is no fixing vile abusive men.

Only getting away from them.

In your first post you said he wiped his dirty hands over surfaces deliberately. Now you’re backtracking. Is that because you have exaggerated things in your OP or because your internal sense of fear and guilt has kicked in and is making you feel you have to minimise his behaviour? I’m asking from a place of empathy as I’ve been there, it took me years to see and understand the behaviour as abusive. I spent all that time rationalising and excusing the things he did, turning the blame onto myself. These people are expert manipulators and I really do think his behaviour towards you is malign. The timing also fits. Please look at the link I shared above and also have a read of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Are you the same poster who's husband made her get out of the car at the temporary traffic lights and wave your hands in front of the sensor to get them to change so he didn't have to pull the car forward and you did it?

@AlertCat no I just wanted to make sure facts are right so I can get genuine opinions and realised to OP wasn't an exact reflection of what happened.

I also visited the link it talks about physical abuse, there is no physical abuse

@YellowphantGrey no that's not me

He is abusive and is gaslighting you into believing that you being off the antidepressants/hormonal from pregnancy is the issue so that you don’t realise the truth.

The advice is: read up on emotional abuse, have a look at the Freedom Program, consider what you need to do to leave whether that be sorting finances or talking to family.

Sadly there is no magic fix, things will not improve and will most likely get worse after the baby is here taking your attention away from him.

No, because he sounds like fucking awful. We aren't going to sit here and sugar coat it for you. You're having a baby with a man who is a nasty piece of work. You wanting it to work isn't going to make that disappear. He's probably going to get worse once the baby arrives.

Hi op I'm sorry but he sounds just like my ex. Constantly blamed me for my reactions to his cruelty. Got so much worse when I was pregnant and it made me doubt myself and wonder if I really was 'too much' or too 'needy' and unreasonable. This is emotional abuse. You deserve support.
He left me four weeks before baby arrived and he has been making my life hell since then (wanting all the power and control but none of the hard work). See 'ex DP burnt my baby' and 'aibu to reduce contact with ex mil' for tasters of what he's like.
Get out while you can and go to live with parents if you can - mine looked after me and my newborn so nicely.
Have a kind friend or family with you at the birth not him.
Please tell your midwife everything.

A book called 'it's not you' by dr ramani and 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft and also 'how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court' will all be helpful

Ps you will get some great days and kind moments from him. Remember they are only occasional and not the 'real him'

Op you really will have a lot more rights and control over baby if you can leave before it's born. If he's there with you for the first few weeks even he can have a legitimate case for 50/50 taking baby away from you.

@StormingNorman I think she might have been depressed due to her emotionally abusive relationship

My ex also said 'you're not in a refugee camp' when I told him I was struggling doing it all while heavily pregnant and felt like I was in survival mode

I came here to suggest a personality transplant. That's the only other option if you don't want to leave him.

He sounds absolutely vile and abusive. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your child because he clearly doesn't care about either of you. Do you really want to bring a child up in an environment where you're constantly walking on eggshells and he speaks to you like a piece of dirt? Do you really want to risk you child being subjected to the same abuse?

I'm not pregnant but I was ill a few weeks ago and my DH insisted I stay in bed and he did all the housework, cooking and childcare. That is what a proper partner does. I've never felt like I can't speak to him about anything. I've never been ridiculed by him, infact he's my biggest cheerleader. How you're DH is behaving is not normal.

There's no excuse in the world that would make sense why he wouldn't wash his hands after a poo then wipe those hands all over the kitchen tops when he knows how upsetting that would be to you, apart cruelty and abuse.

He's constantly gaslighting you, there's barely any point asking him for explanations because you're just going to get more of the same nonsense.

You are conditioned to accept his lies to appease him and smooth things over. This cycle will never change unless you get away from him.

Use us to give you strength, we're rooting for you op 💐

Ps I also obsessed over couples therapy and relationship advice thinking if I just tried harder or learnt to communicate better things would improve. I also clung onto the hope that things would be better after baby arrives as I wouldn't be hormonal. It won't happen. Not judging you for wanting to try everything but please give yourself a break and think what is HE doing to self reflect and change - absolutely nothing. You feel like you're different but so many women reading this will feel it's familiar as these abusive men follow the same text book patterns.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I've been suffering depression since teens way before meeting him

I don't understand why you are so set on 'making it work' with what, from the outside, is very clearly an utter horror of a person and possibly a dangerous one? It seems as if you've been in this relationship for a while - is it the sunk costs fallacy?

Stop blaming yourself!! It’s ok to have depression and I can tell you one thing, he’s clearly not helped it has he? If anything he’s used it to his advantage.

I know you love this man. I was head over heels about my ex and I thought I could not or would not live without him. I left, got out, got help and now I look back and think what the actual fuck was going on in my head that I thought any of this was ok. I since have met my husband who is the most green flagged person I’ve ever met. I have BPD from a mixture of childhood trauma and my previous relationship’s trauma. It doesn’t affect our relationship because my husband is caring and understanding and knows my brain doesn’t react the same way others do. That is what a good man does. He doesn’t exasperate it. He doesn’t do anything to make you hysterical however irrational it may seem to him. Your mental health has nothing to do with the way your husband treats you.

please OP listen to what you’re being told here

I agree very much with this.
I'm so sorry, OP, but you've been given solid perspectives here: he is clearly abusive, and as pp says, he seems to be narcissistic (and of the quite malignant type, tbh). Pregnancy is The litmus test: if he is being cruel and nasty to you while pregnant, you definitely DON'T want him around when your child is born. He's being awful to you now not because he doesn't aknowledge that you're doing the most important task (growing a human being within, numinous stuff): he's being awful because he knows! He knows and can't stand it.

When did your depression start, by the way? When did you started medicating? Was it encouraged by him? (ETA: I now see you already answered this)
Is he saying now that you need to take the medication again? If you're out of taking it for now it is, presumably, with the knowledge of your doctor so they think you're well without it? Have you told them what's the situation at home?

The advice is unanimous: your partner is vile, abusive, he will not change and in fact his cruel treatment of you may even escalate once the baby arrives. People here are speaking from experience, and a place of empathy. You need to leave. I understand this feels terrifying. But is it worse than decades more of this, with an innocent, impressionable child in the mix.

The reason I support charities like women's aid is to ensure women like you, in situations like yours, have access to support and services that can help them take brave step on a new path. I wish you luck and happiness in future, please take action now.

Mumsnet is such a depressing place sometimes.

Sounds like OP has no intention of leaving but would instead prefer to concilate this asshole.

Threads we can all look forward to in the future-

Husband treating me worse since baby born
Is my husband bullying my 4 year old?
Adult daughter seems attracted to abusive men, how can I help her?
Should I go NC with Mum due to Dad's childhood abuse?
Why doesn't my daughter visit at Christmas?
Son treats girlfriends horribly

And so cycle continues....