Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

[marriagehelpplease]

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

Just to clarify so I’m not misreading what you are saying. Are you suggesting that the OPs husband is justified in his behaviour towards the OP because she’s not on her antidepressant medication?

Is it not worth even in the slightest entertaining the possibility that the OP isn’t actually depressed due to her own mental state of health but as a direct result of spending years living in an abusive relationship and being gaslight into believing she’s the problem as she’s crazy/hormonal/anxious/depressed whenever she questions his horrific behaviour towards her? She can get as much therapy as she likes but that won’t change the way she’s treated by him.

Please tell your midwife the things you've told us here. Tell your parents. Phone Women's Aid.

Download Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? See if anything resonates.

Yeah. He is doing it or purpose. It’s called devaluation. You are even allowing him to refer to
your baby as it. You’re in a very abusive relationship, everyone is saying it for a reason.

are you for real?

The OP is clearly being abused. A man who refuses to wash hands after a poo? and then wipes germy hands on the kitchen worktops to taunt her?

A man who piles dishes in the kitchen rather than wash them when his partner has the flu because she's 'lazy'?

OP, this will only get worse when the baby is here, and then you'll have a baby/child to protect. Please seek help.

He sounds absolutely horrible. He might say he loves you but his actions say a different thing, that he has very little care or respect for you and your wellbeing. Get the hell out of there.

He’s an absolute prat but OP doesn’t want to leave so she needs to work on her own MH so she can assess it with a clearer mind. It’s not always easy to judge your response to situations when your MH goes out of control and you spend a lot of time second guessing yourself.

So yes, I am serious. OP needs to be able to trust her judgement before deciding if this is a marriage she wants to be in.

I also know what about de looks like first hand and a pile of dirty plates isn’t it. That’s the mark of a shot husband but not necessarily an abusive one.

Are you okay otherwise physically? I caught the point about 100 hours of appointments. If you were nine months pregnant that would be almost three hours a week…..that is a lot of appointments and tbh depending why I’m not sure if he has a high stressed job he could talk half a day off every week…..

He's not a prat, he's abusive. There are tonnes of red flags in her post. To dismiss all of the signs as "a pile of dirty dishes" is disingenuous at best.

I'm amazed anyone would defend this behaviour.

The OP may say she wants to make the relationship work, but that is clearly not healthy and her health will deteriorate further if she stays with him.

I can't believe anyone would tell a victim of abuse to sort out her own mental health rather than leave her abuser 😮

Hearing someone talk about “walking on eggshells” rings huge alarm bells for me. Nobody should live like that. You need to leave him @marriagehelpplease.

You're being abused, OP.

Where did you infer that I’m defending him? You’re indignant on OP’s behalf. I’m pragmatic. She needs to sort her head out before making any big decisions.

Hello. I’m sorry things are so hard, the circumstances you describe sound difficult. As an outsider looking in- and I appreciate you can only give a snapshot of things- but your husband’s behaviour does not sound very kind or loving. When you raise things, he shuts you down. He doesn’t tell you he’s proud of you but tells lies to put you down in front of others. He hasn't come with you to the baby appointments. While no one’s relationship is sunshine and roses 24/7, having a baseline of basic decency to each other has to be the minimum. I can understand that you want to find a way to make things better but it sounds like he is the one that needs to change and do things differently, not you. You need someone you can rely on each during tough times. Having a baby puts real pressure on a relationship because you are both sleep deprived, dynamics change and you are just trying to figure out what to do. So he needs to step up so you can work as a team. If he can’t or won’t have meaningful discussions about this, I do think you need to consider your options. You want your child to witness a healthy relationship and a mum who values herself. All the best going forward.

As I already explained, I infer that you're defending him because you dismissed a massive list of abusive behaviour as 'a pile of dirty dishes'. It's so much more.

This doesn't make it less bad than the way you first explained it. This just confirms that he is being a nasty bully.

You can't fix this because you can't fix him. Sorry that's not what you want to hear.

I'm sorry for your losses. Your job now is to look after this baby even if you refuse to look after yourself

Fucking hell, don't walk but run. He's a dickhead.

What the actual fuck, OP. Your partner is disgusting in every sense of the word. And you want us to give you tips on how you can fix this? You can't. He is horrible.

Please pick your self respect up from off the floor. You must know you're better than this or you wouldn't be asking.

I despair at posts like these.
Rather than coming here to total strangers, please start taking a poll of your family and friends about his behavior and see what they think. If you don’t want to tell them, that’s all you need to know. I bet they’d be appalled.

I think what the poster is getting as is that rather than actually being pragmatic you’re dismissing the abusive behaviour that the OPs husband is displaying and downplaying it as something lesser than it actually is. A prat is someone who is just a foolish person or an idiot who is often considered harmless but the OPs husband is harmful and certainly no idiot - he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Being pragmatic is about looking at a situation logically and reasoning sensibly or realistically with fact. Neither can be done in this situation where the outcome isn’t to leave because the fact is that she is actively being subjected to constant abuse and is therefore also at constant risk. You can never talk sense or reason into an abuser and it will never get better but there is always a greater chance of it getting worse and having a baby increases this due to the extra pressure it adds to a relationship. This really is less about being emotive for the OP and more about being realistic of that risk that she does face as a result of the abuse she’s being subjected to. Whilst she is in this relationship “sorting her head out” will not be remotely possible as an option.

She is not on her antidepressants because of the affect it could have on her baby which would have been discussed by her midwives and health care practitioners when assessing the pros and cons of continuing or discontinuing medication so she can’t go back on them until her baby has been born and possibly after breastfeeding if she so chooses.

The OP has highlighted some extremely concerning behaviours that her husband is displaying and once the baby is born this not only puts her at risk but the child too. She needs to leave this relationship for the wellbeing of herself and her child and to suggest that her continuing to stay within this volatile relationship until after her baby is born so she can go back on her mediation is negligent. He clearly has no empathy for either her or his own child which means he’s a dangerous man.

I'm sorry op, I can totally relate to wanting to fix a relationship like this especially when you're pregnant. But at the end of the day he is abusive, none of the things you listed should ever be done to a wife or partner. It doesn't matter if he's nice at time, abusers always are, that's how they keep you from leaving. You are not going mad, he is bad news and things will only get worse. There is no fixing this

While I agree with everyone else who says that your husband is abusing you OP, I agree also with the poster who suggested that you should go back on your meds, assuming of course that there is no chance of damage to your baby, as if you're already feeling low, and your mood is up and down, it's going to make it far harder for you to actually see what he's really doing to you, and to react accordingly.

However, what I don't understand, is why on earth you would want, or allow yourself to get pregnant, when you say that ‘It's been an ongoing issue to be honest for some years but seems to have got worse the last 12 months’. If it’s been an ongoing issue, surely you didn’t think that having a baby with him would fix it, did you?

How far along is your pregnancy? If it’s not too late, I would be giving serious thought to terminating, as things are NOT going to get any better with this dreadful man, and in all likelihood will get MUCH worse when the baby arrives. Please go and talk to your GP about everything that's going on, and get proper help and advice.

He's a sadist, a gaslighter and a disgusting pig. Run like hell before he becomes physically as well as emotionally abusive.
The not washing hands after taking a dump is enough by itself, even without the abuse. You can't let a vulnerable baby be handled by somebody who leaves shit germs on his hands. Please leave.

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/support/domestic-abuse-in-pregnancy/

Pregnancy is often the point most abusers reveal their true selves and the abuse escalates. Because they know you're more vulnerable with a baby and less likely to leave. He's a low life scum bag who will only get worse once baby is born. He's showed you already what he's like, all the signs are there. If you don't leave him, he knows you're trapped making you the perfect victim. Fear and stress isn't good for you or the baby. Please call Women's Aid or let your midwife know - make plans to leave him. Now it's emotional and verbal abuse, he will resort to physical abuse as the pregnancy progresses and baby is born. Don't become a statistic. Fight back - you're a mama bear now, you're strong enough to grow a whole human so you're strong enough to walk away and do this without him. Stay safe and hope you will be ok.

@marriagehelpplease, you are married to a sadistic abuser who enjoys tormenting, belittling and gaslighting you. He does not love you in any way, shape or form, and actually get a huge buzz by upsetting you. He is dangerous.

It is absolutely chilling to know that a child will be exposed to H’s cruelty and your toxic home life. I guarantee that he will also mock and torment him/her, and you will be here writing a thread seeking advice about how to protect your baby/child.

This brute sounds like a narcissist or sociopath. You must tell your loved ones and professionals and ask for their help to get away from him and this poisonous relationship which will diminish you beyond recognition and damage your child’s well-being.

So you think that it's OK to lock you and your DC into a room just to "Test it??" Really??

Please leave him. He is bad for you and probably even worse for your DC because he is teaching them that his behaviour is normal?? Think of your DC rather than yourself. Do you think it is right to teach either a DS or a DD thsr this kind pf behaviour is normal??