Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

[marriagehelpplease]

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

@marriagehelpplease

They’re not helpful because we’re not telling you want you want to hear. That’s the reality.

What I will tell you is I grew up in a house with a mother and a stepfather who spent all their fucking time having toxic arguments and it was awful. I am still angry with my mother for putting me through it for 17 years of that. I like to think we’d have sorted it out but she died suddenly when I was an older teen, and left chaos behind, all of which wouldn’t have happened had she had the strength to sort the shit life we had out.

You are knowingly bringing a child into real horror @marriagehelpplease.

Your mental health issues are not the cause of your marital problems - your husband is.

Question: How do you separate legitimate relationship issues from mental health struggles? Can both be true - that I need better emotional regulation AND that some behaviors are concerning regardless of my triggers?

My mum had mental health challenges that made her difficult. My dad knew this when he married her and was patient, understanding and knew how to not take things personally. They were together for 46 years till his death and never once did he get angry, mock her or disengage. Of course they argued but the difference is he never used her mental health against her. This is what makes your DH mean and unpleasant - taking someone's vulnerability and using it as an excuse to attack them if awful. And a sign of how he'd treat your child if they struggled with mental health.

You make good money which means his life is comfortable so he won't leave you. But what he's showing you is contempt and once that seeps into a relationship, it's game over. It's one of the 4 horseman of divorce. The person you spend your life with needs to be good to you even when things are tough, not perfect and you're not at your best. Arguments are one thing, it's his desire to hurt and belittle you that proves he can't handle your problems and has made no effort to learn. You could have a difficult birth and be unable to do much around the house - do you really want his unkind mean voice in your ear as you recover and care for baby? Having him berate you for not washing or cooking as you're in pain or fatigued. Btw he doesn't really care about you being domestic, it's a power trip as he's likely insecure you make good money - this is his way of taking you down a peg.

He's just not husband or father material for you. Maybe a meek woman who earns less than him, does everything he wants and who he can control - that's what he wants.

This. You cannot stay. Your child may be at risk never mind you..you must be really strong now and leave. Get your ducks in a row and contact women's aid etc and get a plan. Sorry this is happening

He’s a gaslighting prick. Nice men support their pregnant wives. Abusive pricks do what your husband is doing.

This was the same for me. I was told for 21 years I was aggressive, combative, entitled, demanding, a shit mother, even that my own family didn’t like me.

I once said (long before we broke up) that it would be nice to have a partner who was “on my side” and nice to me …exH said no, you need someone to keep you in check, you’d destroy someone otherwise 🤯

I’m now in a relationship with DP who is the kindest, most loving man. I genuinely thought I was annoying, entitled, needy etc whenever we disagreed, I set a boundary, expressed an emotional need. For so long my emotional needs were dismissed. Now DP just utterly loves me just as I am and would no sooner call me a mean name than he would fly to the moon.

I have had mental health problems in the last 5 years, some of which I was pregnant for. This was difficult for my husband sometimes as he had to pick up domestic duties when I couldn't do them and childcare of my eldest while I have cared for the baby. Never has he made me feel like my mental health is some kind of personal failing that I need to make up for.

The very hardest days in our marriage were after I gave birth to my eldest, these were extremely difficult as my physical and mental health really suffered and he was stressed too which meant we probably argued more then than we ever have before or since. But nothing was ever said or done in malice. Some of the things you describe your husband doing are simply malicious. And he is asking you to take personal responsibility for things he is doing - this is not right.

Good luck with your own counselling, I think that is an extremely good idea.

He does not respect you or care about your feelings. He's blaming you for his poor behaviour.

Example's of a good husband/father to be-

Will be excited/happy about the pregnancy, read up on it and show an interest. Attend appointment s, plan for when baby comes.

Will do nice things like rub your feet or do extra chores so you can rest

Will maintain basic hygiene levels such as hand washing, cleaning up. Will not have to be told.

Doesn't speak badly to you or about you to others. Speaks to the women he loves with respect, shows an interest in her life/wellbeing. Wants her to be happy and actively seeks out ways to make her happy

If you argue he will put his points across without being intimidating or nasty. He will listen and consider your points . He will not mock you or belittle you or tell you the nasty things he does are your fault.

He is nice and loving everyday not just for sex.

OP you’re burying your head in the sand. Get out. You simply refuse to put the needs of your unborn child first. It’s selfish of you to stay with a man who locked you in a room just to see your reaction then mocked you for it.
And you say you have a high risk pregnancy?

Oh OP, I feel for you. You are pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and you have mh issues. You need and deserve all the support right now, and you are not getting it from your husband.

He is bullying you, if not being abusuve. You do not need this right now for your health. Can you stay with your mum temporarily? This sounds like a terrible environment for you!

Also OP you can't fix it. You can't change people. If he wanted to change he'd see a counsellor, he'd listen to you, he'd ask what you needed. He'd apologise. Do you think he loves you and respects you? Or are you staying because you don't want to be a single mother and don't think anyone else would want you? I'm sure when you married him you thought he'd improve and be kinder/nicer. Did he? I'm sure you thought getting pregnant would improve things. Did it? Now think of how much worse he'll get when you have a baby and what your future and baby's future will look like.

I think the OP was not expecting all the replies to tell her to leave and she has a lot of processing to do.
I'm invested in this too as I've been there.
She has obviously been blind to a lot of it, sometimes accepting the truth is hard at first but believe me op when you have your epiphany walking away will be the easiest thing in the world and the best thing you ever do.

Very true. Also it’s so easy to type out just leave him, the reality of doing so is so much harder and complicated. Especially when you are pregnant.

I hope you have a good support system around you OP. It sounds like you are close with your mum. I am also wondering if you have shared any of this with anyone else in your life?

I don't think people are trying to be dismissive of your mental health problems. They are just saying that your husband's behaviour is probably making them worse.

I think you wanted posters to tell you that your husband's behaviour wasn't really that bad but they haven't been able to do that. People are worried about you and your baby so they are asking you to do what you feel is impossible at the moment, i.e. leave your husband.

But I also understand that envisaging a future with you on your own with your new baby is scary, particularly how your husband having contact with the baby would work.

I think counselling without your husband is a good idea.

You poor thing- He sounds awful! No wonder you are depressed.. why would you think these things in a relationship are normal or acceptable? I suspect it will only get worse when baby arrives and you throw sleep deprivation & exhaustion into the mix. You’ll end up doing everything..

I also have my fair share of struggles with mental health and my husband is nothing like you describe. Whether or not you want to hear it, there are four truths:

• Your husband is using your mental health issues to manipulate you.
• You will never get him to admit this.
• This is not your fault.
• You cannot fix it. Only your husband can do that.

I also have mental health issues. Problems in my relationship came up when I was pregnant and looking back, I should have accepted what he showed me then about his character and his commitment to me. Instead, I stayed “for the baby” and because “I can’t take his baby away from him”. I was wrong then and created a huge pile of problems for myself. You are wrong now. This isn’t going to get better.

Now he says it’s your moods. When baby is here he can use a whole playlist of excuses, everything from “You never have time for ME any more” to “I’m just so tired as I was up all night with the baby”. And he will take it out on the child as well. Seeing that was what made me leave- the scales fell from my eyes. But by then it was too late for me to keep him out of my DC’s life, so now I have the fun of keeping her safe as best I can from HIS moods and narcissistic traits.

I wish I had had this advice and done things differently back then.

I imagine this thread is very hard for you OP: you're already struggling having come off your antidepressants and pregnancy itself comes with lots of new feelings and anxieties. You came here hoping to be told that the issues with your husband will work out and instead everyone has said that he's an abusive arsehole and you can't fix it. That must be difficult to hear, especially when you know he has good points too. And posters often hope that there will be an instant result, you'll see the light and end your relationship immediately.

You don't have to make any decisions now. I'm really glad that you're going to speak with a therapist. Organisations like Women's Aid can also offer advice and support. Please keep listening to the feelings that brought you to this thread - you know something isn't right in your relationship. If people haven't given you advice on how to fix it, consider that it might be because they know that you can't fix another person and you can't fix a relationship where the other person doesn't really believe that there is anything wrong with their behaviour. Just because you aren't perfect yourself doesn't make his behaviour ok.

@Reallybadidea Such great piece of advice I would most definitely not make any decisions yet. You are in a vulnerable position and maybe you can't trust your instincts yet which is perfectly understandable. The most important thing to consider is your health and your baby. I was in a similar situation as you back in 2023 with my husband very different but being pregnant and having marriage issues. I also felt I couldn't trust my thought process because I was hormonal and vulnerable. Once baby was born I was referred to the Perinatal mental health team and they were amazing I strongly recommend you contact them if you have that service where you live.

You sound quite similar to me. I was also more sensitive and emotional in pregnancy ( but not coming off meds,) exh was cruel . Also am less tidy in by nature.
1 sounds like your partner is very scared about pregnancy and feeling out of control leading to his behaviour- suggests a controlling nature
2 if he's this bad in pregnancy I dread to think how he will be with the baby
3 I suspect his controlling nature is bad for your mental health and you'd be better without him
So I would probably go and stay elsewhere ideally with your parents now and start separation / divorce proceedings

He's just another vile abusive pig who blames his victim.

Look up DARVO, that is what he does.
And he's a heavy drinker.

God help you and that poor child.
What a life to be born into.
Unfortunately it reads as if you will have to learn the hard way, by bringing a baby home, being abused by him and then trying to get away when you finally wake up to just how vile he is.

Sadly getting away will be much harder.
Your mental health is not responsible for him abusing you.
Your mental health is undoubtedly affected by living with a horribly abusive man.

@MosaDiCello and @Reallybadidea thank you both for your kind responses.

Some of the other posters are ignoring your mental health effects—it's like telling an alcoholic to make major life decisions while under the influence.

He says he does have a nasty streak, but it's triggered by me he says. For example, I got angry and aggressive (not physically) but clearly visibly angry when he didn't wash his hands and then went to wash them in the kitchen sink and wipe countertops. He said that triggered him to get nasty as I did first, and that his reactions are always a reaction to mine.

I threatened to get his pets rehomed last week because they were being naughty around the house; this resulted in verbal abuse from him as he thought I was being incredibly nasty.

Last night when we had our lengthy discussion, it took him some time to admit that calling me a “f idiot” is hurtful. Sometimes I call him nasty, but I've tried to stop this and have been successful. And when I do, I know it's wrong and apologize, but he wanted to stand by this.

He said I was acting crazy because last week I bought myself some orange juiceone of my pregnancy cravingsand he drank the last bit of it. I called him upset and said can he buy his own next time if he's going to drink the last of mine and not replace it. I probably was being irrational, but I had cancelled a night out with him and a friend due to feeling excruciatingly tired and couldn't leave the house. I went downstairs to have the drink to find it’s gone, and I really craved it and was too tired to go anywhere. It doesn't excuse me calling him and being "nasty" in his words, but is that really crazy from a pregnant woman who was too sick to leave the house? Was I being unreasonable?

He said, if you act like a f idiot as he called me this yesterday, then you will be called one. Only after ten minutes of me explaining how it's abusive and harmful did he say he will bite his tongue and not use those phrases.

This is such a mess, I don't know how I got here—but hopefully, there's a way to fix this.

I would not want to raise a child with a man who cannot wash his hands after he shits.

Me too. Get out now. It will get worse when the baby arrives. He is a total twat at best and abusive little manipulator at worst. I tend to think the latter. Run don’t walk. He is alienating you from your family - tell them now what he is like. Would you want your child in this type of relationship?

@Fingerscrossedfor2021HK no he isn't alienated me from family. I'm all up for advice but not when people make things up - when did I say he alienates me from family?

He actually likes me spending time with family and friends

You said that you can’t tell your family about what he does to upset you. That is alienation. If you want to stay with him then fine but men like this don’t improve when babies arrive. I wish you well.