Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

[marriagehelpplease]

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

He sounds pretty gross in all ways but you also sound a bit drama llama. You're only 12 weeks, I'd say most fathers only attend the 2 big scan appointments. There's no need to bring them to the midwife checks. Could he be distancing himself from the pregnancy due to previous miscarriages- like he doesn't want to get too attached to early?

Also they don't advise dopplers at home- studies show it just increases material anxiety and can give false readings especially as early as 12 weeks. Pretty sure midwives don't do them until 16 week check.

A lot of dhs are bad at housework and maybe not too engaged with the pregnancy. Maybe that could be fixed. But the behaviours you are describing are much more than this and are quite extreme and actually a bit scary. Your reaction to being locked in was quite normal in my book especially being pregnant and more vulnerable. His reaction to you is pure evil, mocking and completely undermining your genuine fear. What if you had your baby with you. Your instincts to protect your baby will be at 100 when baby arrives and you cannot trust this man to keep you both safe. He is scaringly horrible.
You are only on antidepressants a while and l bet it's a lot to do with your dh and how he makes you feel. If you were away from him and in the safety of your own parents you may never need them. This man needs to be shocked to the core of his being. Go home to your parents and tell them everything. Tell that horrible monster his days of destroying you are over. If he is capable of change this will shock him into getting help. But, sorry, l don't believe for one moment that he will but staying with him is very bad for you and your baby. Please go to your parents. There is no shame in that. This is him, not you. Protect yourself and your little one.

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I read that he locked you in a room against your will, then laughed at you.
No wonder your mental health is on tatters op.
I don't say this lightly but your husband sounds like a psyco, these things are not normal.
The disinterest in the pregnancy is the least of your problems.
Your husband is a manipulative abusive cunt.

Please leave for the sake of your health and your unborn baby.

It sounds like your life would be a lot calmer without him. He's being abusive.
Tell your family and midwife and get support to leave. You deserve some peace.

He is a vile bully OP. He is using you being pregnant/hormonal and off your meds to make it seem like you're the issue. This is called gaslighting and is also a form of abuse. You are not the problem, he is.

Agree with others he’s a bully. He also sounds really immature. And he’s hit you. That’s awful.

but I also agree with others that if possible I would start taking the medication again - I’ve seen what it does to my husband when he goes off for a bit and he’s not himself and he can’t see clearly

OP.

If you think it's bad now, wait until the stress of having a baby hits.

He sounds cruel, petty and immature, what do you even like about him?! Why are you so keen to make it work with this guy?

For me and most others I imagine, having a baby put way more pressure on a relationship than a full on job, or feeling a bit rough during pregnancy.

Don't subject your perfect new child to this terrible father.
I understand why you'd choose to put up with this for yourself, up until now, but it's not fair to bring that upon a child.
It doesn't really matter if he's abusive or just a massive arsehole. Either way he's mistreating you and doesn't care about the child... the child already exists and he's not interested.
Your child shouldn't have to live with this man, or see his father treating his mother this way.
Sorry.

Sorry, but none of this makes him sound any better. He is enjoying frightening his pregnant wife. He is showing absolutely no interest in the baby and he is deliberately trying to spread germs to make you really ill by deliberately touching things in the kitchen with his unwashed hands after doing a poo.

There is something really wrong with him. He sounds like a psychopath. You do need to speak to someone with experience of abuse for advice because he is abusive.

I don’t understand why you’d like to stay together with a horrible, abusive husband. He’s not fit to be a husband and I would imagine even less fit to be a father. You need to do the right thing for yourself and your baby and leave before the baby is born. I know this is not what you want to hear but in my opinion, it’s the only solution to create a safe space for your baby and yourself. Good luck.

So the incident with the door to frighten his pregnant wife isn't abuse? Wiping his poo germs all over the kitchen worktop on purpose to upset his wife isn't abuse? Refusing to attend any appointments with OP and calling the baby 'it' isn't abuse? When OP is ill in bed, purposely leaving his dirty dishes in the sink and making the OP wash them up isn't abuse?

You use the word 'prat' to describe him to minimise his abusive behaviour. Prat gives the impression of someone who's a bit silly, a bit of an idiot, not someone who is deliberately mean and cruel.

She says that she doesn't want to leave him, but she absolutely should.

And implying that all this is the OP's fault for coming off her anti-depressants is dispicable.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Deep down, you know his behaviour isn’t acceptable. Taunting and mocking you, lying, taking pleasure in your discomfort, and refusing to help when you’re ill or practise basic hygiene - all this is cruel and abusive.

Your partner should support and love you, make your life easier and better, WANT to do things for you, and be your biggest fan. You shouldn’t walk on eggshells.

You say you want to know how to fix it, but everyone is right - you can’t fix it because you can’t change his behaviours. The only person whose behaviour you have control over is your own.

At the moment, you’re still stuck in the mindset of half wanting to think you’re the problem - medication, sensitivity etc - because if that’s the case you have some control and it can be fixed. But it can’t. What would you do? Medicate yourself so you’re numb to his nasty, abusive behaviour?

Tell your parents. Tell your friends. You know they’d be appalled.

It may take a long time for you to be ready to hear the truth - that you won’t change him, that he is probably insecure and miserable, and takes pleasure in making you miserable - and that all you can to to improve things is leave. I’ve been in that position and know how hard it is.

But you don’t have a long time. You have a child on the way, and you and they need to be in a supportive environment. Giving birth and adjusting to a newborn are so hard - even with the most supportive, kind, caring and capable partner.

It shouldn’t be like this. I’m so sorry he’s ruining your pregnancy, your self esteem, and I’m so worried about how things are going to be for you when baby comes.

Where does she say that she is only 12 weeks? She says that the only appointment he attended was the 12 week scan.

If you think that his behaviour is just 'gross' rather than abuse and that the OP is a 'drama llama', you obviously either haven't read her posts properly or you are deliberately totally minimising and excusing his abusive behaviour.

I haven’t said or even implied it’s OP’s fault. I have said people who need meds to stabilise their mood are difficult to live with when they don’t take them. This is a fact. I have been on both sides of this coin. I also know that I cannot trust myself to interpret properly or make any major decisions while my mind is running away with me.

What I have said is that OP needs to get on meds and/or get therapy so she can see the situation clearly and act accordingly.

It may have been discussed with the midwife that the cons of medication during pregnancy outweighed the pros. But they probably need to revisit that conversation as OP can feel herself spiralling. OP needs to trust her judgement if she decides to leave and she needs to try to protect her MH for when the baby is born. There is a higher risk of post natal MH issues if you are already prone to them.

OP is being abused. She might not actually need meds, she has probably been driven to despair by her abuser and his treatment of her for years and this is being mistaken for depression, I don’t know. But sorry OP, you can’t fix this. He is abusive and it’ll only escalate.

You say you definitely don't want to leave him, and you want it to work?

In that case, you must stop pointing out things he does or says that upset you, always agree with him, never have an opinion of your own, turn off all of your feelings and emotions, expect nothing from him, ask nothing of him.

When the baby arrives, allow him to keep living his life exactly as he wishes, and you must do 100% of the baby care, housework and anything else he doesn't want to do.

Dedicate yourself completely to making him happy, ignore your own needs and the needs of your baby come lower than his. He is top from now on. And make sure your child sees this dynamic as they grow up, so they can also replicate the same relationship when they're older and be just as happy as you in this wonderful relationship.

Just stop with the needing to 'stabilize her moods' bullshit. Are people not allowed to have emotions anymore?
She is reacting normally to this abnormal situation.
Id put money that she doesn't need anti depressants. She just needs to get rid of this abusive arsehole who is taunting and bullying her.
I can't believe people would normalize this behavior.

The best thing for you baby is to get away from this horrible, abusive man. He's messing with your head and will do the same to your child.

I'm serious when I say, run. He will break you down.

I haven’t read every post but OP, you are absolutely in an abusive relationship. This man is emotionally abusing you and he won’t change. It’s often the case that abuse starts or ramps up when a change happens which makes the woman more vulnerable, such as marrying or becoming pregnant. Please consider contacting www.rightsofwomen.org.Uk , Women’s Aid, a solicitor… and making arrangements to leave him. He means you harm and I also worry that he will do the same to your baby.

Op you sound gaslit as hell. This man is abusive and I’m sorry but you don’t seem to be able to see it. Please do not subject your baby to thinking this type of treatment is ok

Yes it's the perfect example of what gaslighting is.

You've also said he's a prat not an abuser and implied your prior knowledge of DA gives you a superior ability to judge this.

This is potentially dangerous advice as well as being inaccurate. The kind of behaviour this man is displaying is clearly designed to mentally play with the OP. It is not just someone being thoughtless. If you only see DA as being punched in the face you should stop commenting on these threads. This kind of behaviour is deliberate and insidious and breaks down your ability to see things clearly however many ADs you are taking.

OP stop trying to change this man or the dynamic between you. You can't because at some level he enjoys playing with your emotions and your mental wellbeing. It will only get worse when you have the baby as he will leverage your desire to protect them. Get out and get help to do this.

@StormingNorman I’ve been here too. I was severely abused by an ex and the way OP is writing is so familiar to how I felt and explained my ex’s behaviours. Subconsciously nuancing behaviour e.g. him telling ‘harmless’ lies because he finds it funny. No actually he’s belittling her and trying to mask it. The sad thing is and I genuinely mean this as heartfelt sad, is that the OP can’t see it. OP I promise you get out of this, there’s no changing a man like that. They get a weird sadistic pleasure out of being like that. Please for your child, get out.

You are in a highly abusive relationship with an utterly vile man.
You have now chosen to inflict him on a baby.
He is nasty, filthy and likes to hurt you.

There is NO changing him.
Stop lying to people.
Tell the medics the truth.
Call Womens aid for support.
Tell your family and friends the truth.
Put your babys safety first.
He is vile and unhinged.

Thank you for replying, although one person mentioned he's hit me so I need to make a correction because that's absolutely not true and not sure where I posted that,

He also apologised over the poo and and said the reason he didn't do ash immediately is because he was going to take a shower. I then asked why he would wipe work tops to which he replied because I asked him to wash them and the kitchen sink was there and as he went to do so I said why chat he use the bathroom like most people. He said this annoyed him as he's fed up of being told what to do and there's more germs in a kitchen sink than a toilet anyway.

I'm just giving you accurate details as some of the things here are being twisted. And no, I'm not suggesting he still isn't wrong but at least want details correct