Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

Is he neurodivergent? I'm autistic and get like this sometimes when I'm just really overwhelmed.

At what age did this start?

Does he have any friends? I mean in real life rather than online/gamers etc?

If so, are they similar?

Unless he's autistic etc I'd give some tough love. You said no is his favourite word so whats the repercussions when he says no?? I'd say to him right no screens at all, no phones or gaming etc til you've showered, brushed teeth etc each day. And a hair cut once every couple of months or the same rules apply. Multi vitamins everyday and hidden veg in his meals. You sound awfully twee and passive.

Thank you SapphireOpal and HalloweenHaribo, I’m actually sobbing a little right now. I can’t believe I’ve managed to reach out and people have actually listened and answered! Maybe I am doing the right thing by doing this.

SapphireOpal - I’ve not thought about that - I’ll look it up and learn about it. Thank you.

HalloweenHaribo - he started being like this around the time we began homeschooling him. Around 12 years old. He talks every day to his online friends (both on the ctually phone and typing etc) and he very rarely leaves the house or sees anyone other than us.
Embarrassingly, we have no idea who his friends are or what they’re like. When he started talking with people online and 0n the phone we had a chat with him and explained the importance of knowing who it was he was talking with and explained the dangers. We insisted that we know who they are but he shut down pretty quickly. He actually said “I’m not telling you becuase you want to know”. So we did what we thought to be the right thing and explained that we need to ensure he is safe and unless he was willing to maintain openness with us about his online activity and who he was communicating with we would need to take away his access to the internet/phone etc. But when we did that he became isolated.

Yes. If he isn’t ND then consequences (not the natural ones!). Maybe replicating the consequences of being out in the world as an adult- so no money (because he won’t get a job if he’s smelly and looks unhygienic). However this could be a sign that he is autistic, has anyone at school ever suggested or investigated this? If he is then I’d look for some specialist forum to ask around on.

Hi Hypermedi,

Thank you for your reply.

We've tried tough love. Many times. It hasn’t worked. We’ve taken away all privileges. He just became sad and isolated. It made the situation worse.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but he seems very isolated. Could he be depressed?

Did he have any friends at his old school that you could help him reconnect with?

Lots of people who homeschool meet up with other homeschooling families. That could be a way of making new friends if he had had problems at school.

Why did you start homeschooling?

How do you know he's not depressed?

Not being harsh just trying to unpick

Why do you homeschool him? Does he have no face to face interaction with his peers

Just seen your update. Why did you start homeschooling him at that point?

And I would be seriously concerned about the lack of socialisation. When you started homeschooling, did you not join the groups in your local area, ensure he had activities and so on to go to and have the human interaction that all children need? Were there problems with that?

How long for? 1 day? A week? I don't think thats tough love at all. Have you taken him to the GP?

He sounds depressed and socially isolated. Why is he homeschooled? Does he attend any in person groups or sessions? What are his hopes for the future?

Hi AlertCat,

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Consequences haven’t worked. They made things/him worse.

He was at school until he was 11 years old then we homeschooled him.

He showed no autistic behaviours in or out of school up until then. I don’t believe he is now; I am a keen learner/researcher and I’ve always been particularly interested in human behaviours to include Autism. However, I’m not an expert but even if we wanted him to be assessed I can almost 100% confidently say that he wouldn’t go.

"Teeth now"
"Shower now"
"Getaway brush through it or shave it off"

All seem like great phrases for you to use

But in all seriousness because he is homeschooled there is less chance to build these into the days structure. So can't he have a shower before dinner? Teeth brush when getting up and before going to bed.

You don't have to be nasty just clear.

It sounds as if he has all the power in your home. OP, can you tell us why you started to homeschool and didn’t join groups etc, and when your son began dictating what he would or wouldn’t do?

You’re right. He is isolated. He has isolated himself. We have offered him every club, group, activity, social session, everything you could think of. His answer has always been no. No explaination, not willing to discuss it, just doesn’t want to go.

This is why I am reaching out. I don’t know what else to do.

When do you homeschool?

I meant why do you homeschool?

You removed him from mainstream schooling- why?

Did he have "real life" friends at that point and what did you do to ensure he kept up those friendships?

What did you do at age 12 to ensure his online friendships were being founded in appropriate places?

Why is he homeschooled? The reason could have something to do with his poor hygiene

I went through a brief lazy phase about cleanliness and personal hygiene at school. A couple of bitchy comments from other pupils put an end to it

At his age, I think you have to accept you can't force him. And, messy hair isn't a major health issue, so pick your battles
I'd be more concerned about his teeth and diet

Keep lots of healthy food in the house, lead by example but try not to nag him

Sounds tough. Good luck

We took him out of school becuase he was miserable. He had been miserable for years. No particular reason (other than being bullied by one boy who was bullying everyone). When the boy started touching his fellow classmates in places they didn’t want to be touched and the school and police did nothing about it we decided enough was enough and we took him out.

Homeschooling has gone well. But he refused meeting up with the many groups we joined on social media platforms. Point blank refused.

Without causing too much alarm I would want to persist about knowing who he is talking to online. It light not be contributing to his lack of care in himself, but it is still important to check he is talking to appropriate friends.

Have you ever tried to force a pre-teen child to manintain friendships? you can’t ‘ensure’ anything! you can’t force people to be friends with people. As I’ve said, we have tried to keep him socialised. Encouraged, made arrangements, invited people over, everything we can think of.