Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

This must be hard as a mother to see, big hugs!

Why didn't you move him to another school? He has no motivation to 'look nice' for anyone at the moment, if he does start socialising then hopefully the rest will follow...

The 'sending love' thing was sending me.

Definitely oddness about this whole thread! I hope the son gets the help he needs.

You sound like you have a great relationship with your Son as he's open with you & shares interests with you ie singing. Have you sat him down & explained how worried you actually are about things? Let him know you love him regardless but feel he needs to start taking better care of himself as he may pay the price later on in life, health wise. You say you don't feel he's depressed & seems happy enough laughing with his online friends. Have you suggested he invites them over anytime? Could you be worrying unnecessarily because he's not doing what other teenage boys are doing? He might just be the type who prefers his own company or gets overwhelmed in groups or has no interest in what other teens are up to. As long as he's communicating with you & knows if there is something wrong he can talk to you, I think you should leave him to it & hopefully it'll be a phase & he'll grow in confidence & start going out more & socialising. I know it's easier said than done but please try not to worry too much & take care of yourself too.

OP, have you tried body doubling? Not ideal for the shower at his age but my son will only brush his teeth if I brush mine at the same time. Also with the shower, I have to turn it on for him to ensure the water has got warm and the room is a little steamy. You’ll get through this, it just takes time and thinking outside of the box!

She and her husband are a bit autistic perhaps, she mentioning she is a fan of researching and adamantly believes he is not autistic....I mean ...many people who don't want to have diagnosis for their children may be say this thing

True. I did report for being a troll because it was all so odd. But I didnt hear back from MN so I stand corrected I guess. Either way I feel for her son and I hope he can produce a life for himself one day.

When he turns 18, he has to. Hopefully he is informed this is his duty also, with all the trimmings that are needed to be an adult

Some people can’t, you know. There’s no ‘has to’ about it for them unfortunately.

I relate to this too. There are quite a few people who are only being diagnosed as adults because they didn't show signs in their childhood, high-functioning autism.
The lack of hygiene, teeth brushing, not wanting to go out / socialise outside, craving only junk foods, sounds so relatable. ASD / ADHD.
I suppose it couldn't hurt to ask for a referral / assessment...?
My psychologist has recommended a book by an autistic author called Donna Williams 'Inside out of autism'.
I've recently read a library book (approx 80 pages) aimed at teens, called 'M is for Autism' a story about a teenage girl and how she sees the world around her and some parts from her mother's point of view too. I found it interesting, so lent it to my Mum to read, and she read it to my Dad too.

If you say that being strict with him makes him shy away even worse, then I think a softer approach might be better. But, you're already sitting down calmly and communicating openly with him, then I'm not sure what else to suggest, sorry.

Sounds like a male version of me as a teen.

I can't tell you a timeframe, but it does get better.

Sending virtual hugs.
xx

Hi sorry you're getting horrible messages. I f(41) was like this, still am sometimes. I have either adhd or ptsd caused by trauma. I do not like being told what to do, I don't socialise much in person, i get overwhelmed easily. But have a few great friends, we speak on the phone or on line most days. I like my own company and now I have a child he comes first. He won't go without, but sometimes I won't shower for a week or barely get dressed I luckily work from home. But I am happy. I get worse when people pressure me or suggest I have to do things. It's like my brain shuts down and says don't tell me what to do. I can't explain it properly but I feel like I'm competing with my brain to get things done. I dont really have any advise other than look up trauma related ptsd for the bulling he had to deal with. This may help, the symptoms display like adhd or autism so there wouldn't have been any signs when he was younger. I wish the best for you all and hope he is happy.x

Does that sound a bit like pda @Rainb0wThund3r?

It is 100% but I never used to be like this, just thought I would mention is as it may be the bullying that triggered something for him.

Thank you. We have had some positive progress over the last few days. He asked to go to the doctors as he had a blocked ear and he showered, washed his hair, brushed his teeth and changed his clothes before we went out! great result at the doctors (we’ve been twice in the last week - once to diagnose a blocked ear and the second time to syringe).

I’ve also tried talking with him again and he didn’t respond negatively. It seems that the love and openness is making a difference. Onwards and upwards :-)

To you and the person you’re having a conversation with on here - I will never stop sending love. I am a loving person and I wish everybody well.

The fact that you find me “odd” as you say, is absolutely fine with me. Your opinion of me is none of my business.

I hope you’re both ok and I send you both love :-) xx

Bless you, @LoveAlways1
Delighted to hear your news! I always find love & affection goes a long way - hard sometimes not to question / criticise - we're only human after all, but it does work! Hugs.

Hi, thank you for your kind message. It is appreciated x

Yes, some of the replies on here haven’t been kind, but I’m ok with that. I have learnt that everything that people say and do is about them. Not about the person they are saying or doing them to. So I wish them well and I pay attention to the unjudgemental, empathetic and helpful replies :-)

Thank you for sharing those things about yourself. I can relate in many ways. I have a number of physical health conditions (I went into hospital a couple years ago and left with a 7 page report of diagnosis made following mri’s blood tests etc), and my lifestyle changed quite a lot after that. I am now mostly in a wheelchair and it’s been a big adjustment. For all 3 of us. There are days when I struggle to find the energy to do things that a lot of people would find so simple. I’ve learnt to be ok with that and to be patient and kind to myself. It’s ok to not always be ok.

Sending you love and healing and please know that my inbox is always open to you xx

Hi, thank you for your reply.

When he very first started not brushing his teeth daily, I tried saying “Let’s brush together”. I tried that for a while. He wasn’t interested in that though unfortunately. He has started brushing his teeth every day now. Not twice a day but once a day. Things are getting better.

Thank you ☺️ xx

Thank you, I appreciate your kind reply x

Hey, it’s ok, definitely no need to apologise ~ thank you for sharing what you have, it is useful, so thank you.

I will check both of those that books out xx

Aww thank you 🥲 that’s a lovely thing to say x

Things are looking up ~ there’s been steps forward over the last week x

Hi - thanks for joining in.

Please can you let me know where I have said that I adamantly believe my son is not autistic? and when I said I didn’t want a diagnosis for my child?

I’d also be interested to know why and how you came to the conclusion that me and my partner (not husband) are a bit autistic?

Thanks x

Hi - I am here - I can read what you are writing about me. (Just letting you know).

I have no idea why you thought that a concerned mother who clearly cares about her child, reaching out for advice from fellow loving mums, made me odd and a potential troll 🤷‍♀️

Please also know that our son does have a life. We love him unconditionally. He laughs and socialises every day. He may not fit your idea of living the perfect life but that really is all it is ~ your idea.

This past week has been a positive one for us.

Sadly, your responses have been unkind, judgemental and hostile. I don’t know why you felt you had to be that way, but thats ok. That’s about you. Not about us, but perhaps in future you could consider your words more carefully and choose to be kind. That way you may actually help people rather than make them feel like there is something wrong with them.

Wishing you well x