Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

Thank you x

Some GP's do home visits. It might be worth calling and ask (explain the situation). You can also contact youngminds.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/getting-support-from-the-gp/#WhatcanIdoifmychilddoesntwanttoseeaGP

Hang in there OP ❤️

OP what kind of stuff does he really enjoy?
When did he last laugh?

Thank you so so much. I really appreciate your support and help. I really do. Thank you xx

Have you spoken to your GP? You can ask for a referral to a children's mental health practitioner who works with your GP. They may be able to offer some support and guidance to him and you. It's really tough and parenting doesn't come with a manual which is really hard if your child doesn't behave in a 'normal' way.

As there's a strong link between hygiene (especially oral) and physical health issues, I would forever pursue a better hygiene routine for him, but I realise it's easier said than done. My uncle has very poor hygiene and is autistic. Very smart but also won't eat many foods, is socially isolated, won't wash his hands or brush teeth, has two hobbies he fixates on. I think a diagnosis is key to making sense of it all for everyone.

I've a 17yo ds who has ASD and ADHD.

He doesn't like showers or changing his clothes etc.

What works with him is sport. If he does sport he has to have a shower afterwards. So he joined a gym and the rule is if he's been to a gym then he must have a shower afterwards. I'm not always convinced that soap/shampoo is involved but it does help. 🤣
And if he does football at school he also needs a shower. Otherwise the rule is that he must have a shower on Monday.

I've also noticed that if he's meeting up with friends he's more inclined to have a shower too - or at any rate use deodorant.

It sounds like a vicious cycle. He isn't going out socialising so he's not going to look after himself and make an effort. But because he isn't looking after himself he'll probably have low self esteem and therefore won't want to go out to socialise.

Sorry to say but I feel this is an issue with homeschooling. It seems like a massive, life changing decision you made over 1 other problem child at school?

If he's hardly socialised in person with people for the last 4 years it's going to be very hard for him. Maybe try and get some advice from a professional. It sounds like the reason he's like this is because of the last 4 years rather than because he's autistic.

He laughs multiple times a day. With us and on the phone to his friends. He enjoys gaming, playing with/looking after our cats, singing - he really loves singing. He literally sings every day! He adores Beyoncé, Ariana Grande and some others. When he was 5 old he was obsessed with Jessie J! I remember when he got up on stage and sang her song - Pricetag. He has a great voice. He shares his music with me which I feel is pretty special (a teenager actually wanting to share something with his parents 😅) and he has been encouraging me to start practicing singing again (I used to sing professionally). We go on holiday a couple times a year and he enjoys being in the pool. He doesn’t have symptoms of depression. But I’m so worried about his physical health. My partner thinks he’s ok. Maybe I’m over worrying.

As others have said, it would appear there’s some sort of neurodivergence.

I initially thought PDA or ODD. I’ve worked with a girl who was remarkably similar.

It sounds like he’s finding excuses not to wash or clean his teeth?

If it’s as simple as not liking the taste/foam of toothpaste then try something like ‘Oranurse’ toothpaste.

If he doesn’t go out, he’s not going to find a reason to wash. He won’t see the point.

You say he’s shown a little interest in colleges, maybe you can use that as a reason to get him out?

I'm not sure I’d worry too much about getting a diagnosis for him. It will take years and there are no resources anyway.

Good luck.

Thank you, but please know that the decision to take him out of school was a big one that wasn’t made overnight and one that we took very seriously. One of the major reasons was that yes, he was bullied by one child. Over the course of 2 years. During which time we tried everything we could to resolve the issue. To no avail. PLEASE don’t judge and assume to know the facts.

Another one here advising you to have a look at PDA and some of the advice the PDA Society gives. Try it slowly and see if it makes any difference.

My son is 15, autistic and PDA. Showers are a constant battle as the whole process is just so overwhelming for him. We've found a way to manage at least weekly, and will just build up from there. With teeth brushing, reassure him you know it's hard for him. Don't minimise how he feels about it or you'll just get pushback. Try different flavour toothpastes (or even a no flavour one), different softer toothbrushes. Start very, very slowly and be super patient xxxx

And please reach out to your GP for some help for yourself at least.

And for those saying just tell him what to do - count your blessings you don't understand how ridiculously naive that is!

Firstly, you're doing a great job. I've been in your situation and it is so hard. You sound a fantastic mum and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Secondly, your post screams ASD at me. My son is not typical ASD and is great at communicating. My daughter is not typical ASD and is very in tune with emotions, is very emphatic and caring. Both have a great sense of humour, both make eye contact, both like socialising. But ... both have an ASD diagnosis.

On one earlier post you said no early signs, but with my two they weren't diagnosed until 13/14. It wasn't until age 12/13 and they started becoming unhappy at school that we looked into ND possibilities.

Your son's behaviour sounds very typical of ASD. My brother had ASD and would rarely wash. Never cleaned his teeth (he had black stumps where they rotted away). He had no idea that it was inappropriate to wear dirty clothes or to go out with food stuck in his beard. He was an absolute genius academically, just didn't understand the need for hygiene.

Everyone with autism presents differently which makes it so hard to go through an online checklist and say "yes/no". It's so much more nuanced. Also, ASD runs in families and you did say your nephew has autism.

Please do some research. Lots of research. If you do this and think he's autistic then he probably is. A diagnosis isn't always important. If you think it's autism you can start tailoring the support you give him.

Good luck.

Hi there OP, sorry that things are tough for your son currently. Just wondering if he is able to give you a reason as to why he struggles to maintain his personal hygiene?

I think it might be an idea to speak with his GP on his behalf. You can explain that he won't speak with them but you are worried about him. They may be able to visit him at home, or may signpost you to other services that could help. Some of your son's behaviours could suggest autism, but could also be indicators of poor mental health or other conditions. Your GP will be able to explain the process for neurodiversity assessment if you feel its needed.

I would also suggest contacting your local Early Help services to access support. You may be able to access parenting support which could offer strategies and techniques to encourage him to take better care of his personal hygiene.

Singing. Music. Gaming. Cats.

He sounds very lonely and isolated.

The problem is all of his issues are linked and without getting him to address one of them, you're stuck. He needs real life friends, it would have such a big impact on his hygiene issues, confidence, self-esteem.

Have you tried any baby steps? getting him to pop to the shop for bread? taking him for some dinner? offering to take him shopping for a nice designer hoodie/trendy trainers? offer a treat (going to buy a new video game etc). What about getting someone to the house to cut his hair? or buying some clippers so DH could give him a cut?

Does he talk about his future? what he wants to do? any chance of getting him to look at some college courses for any subjects he'd be really into? anything gaming related etc?

For what it's worth I think you should ignore your partner and you are right to be worried. Don't give up.

If he’s not eating, do you think he’d enjoy cooking with you and eating it together? You could progress to taking it in turns cooking your main meal for each other, and maybe shopping for ingredients? Maybe choose some toothpaste/toiletries that he likes and will use at the same time?

Looking at a college prospectus seems a good idea too.

sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult.

Thank you - I’ve just read your reply to my partner. It’s struck a chord. It’s simple really - I believe that what you’ve said is right - as a teenage boy it’s easy for him to see no point in brushing teeth/washing etc because no one is going to see him other than us! his focus is socialising online and on the phone. Neither of which require being seen.
So we are going to focus more on getting him out (we’ve tried a lot but we need to find a different way, somehow).

Thank you. You’ve made a positive difference to us 🌹

Ok so my 14 year old struggles with both teeth brushing and showering. He is ADHD/ASD (with PDA traits) and also has SPD which means he has sensory issues. No amount of punishing/rewarding would work for my son so we’ve had to go low demand. We’ve tried many types of toothbrushes and flavoured toothpastes. He usually doesn’t go more than 2 or 3 days without brushing teeth and a week before showering but has not long come out of a burnout (leaving the house was another problem) so I don’t want to push him too hard, but he knows to wear deodorant daily and when it gets to point I can smell him, I tell him lightheartedly “You do really quite stink!” he will then usually go shower.

Sorry, I've read some of your other replies I don't want to sounds judgy, but I'm only commenting by the information given which is obviously fairly limited in comparison to your last 5 years lol.

If I was in your position I would try and speak to professionals, if your son doesn't want to you can! I do think though, why would he bother cleaning his teeth etc if he has nowhere to go and no one to see? That's the main issue isn't it? You say you go on holidays, are these holidays in hotels with lots of other people? How is his hygiene when he is around more people?

The speaking in an American accent is perhaps an indication of ASD?

I teach autistic teens and this behaviour seems similar to what I see in some of my students.
It a processing/ and or sensory issues. I would suggest looking into this

My question is have you spoken to your GP, explained the problem and asked what help is available?
Would you consider family therapy?

This started when you began homeschooling him? Why are you homeschooling him?

It sounds as though he's extremely depressed. Have you taken him to your GP?

Please don't force him to see a dr at home. His safe space is the house, he is comfortable there, as he sings, laughs etc... the first thing I think it might be worth saying is that he is a teenage boy
Teenagers = trying to not listen to the nagging parents, finding their own way and obstinate, pushing boundaries.
Teen boys = smelly, repressed.
In the long run he is likely to come out of this, especially when his eye is turned. It isn't nice to see your child not care for themselves, but try to think about it from their viewpoint, they already feel quite worthless and being nagged about it just is not helpful. Then restricting what they are allowed to have (internet) will just make him feel even worse because in his eyes he's being punished for how he wants to be today. To him it shows a lack of respect to him, his body and his choice.
I'd suggest reading isbn 9781406346930. Blame My Brain: the Amazing Teenage Brain Revealed.
It may help you communicate about his behavior and why he has low self esteem.

In some ways you don’t have to get him formally assessed. However, reading more widely could be useful for you in understanding his behaviour and gaining some suggestions for how to approach him. Remember it’s a spectrum so some people are more obvious and others considerably less so.

A friend’s son was exactly like this and very gradually over time he’s improved massively in terms of looking after his personal hygiene so don’t give up hope.