Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

Unless I've missed it, you've not answered questions as to why you've chosen to homeschool your son. This would go a long way in helping others to help you.

turn the wifi off - for goodness sake why don't you know what he is doing online!

She’s already answered this. Several times.

You missed it. The school didn't deal with sexual assault correctly from a bully.

And that would help him brush his teeth?

I hate when people immediately jump to autism - but your son sounds exactly like my brother. He showers probably 3-4 times a MONTH, brushes his teeth probably twice a week. Doesn’t cut his nails, his hair, facial hair, etc unless he has to leave the house (which only happens about 5 times a year). Constantly dirty and smelly, has to be reminded he is dirty and smelly, and essentially marched into the bathroom to clean himself. He’s 34, and our mother still has to set out his toiletries & clean clothes, change his sheets, etc. He either genuinely doesn’t notice or doesn’t care anymore.

He has always had issues with water. He says it makes him feel vulnerable, and that the noise of the shower is too loud - however also feels vulnerable sitting in a bath. Doesn’t care what he looks like so doesn’t look after his hair, teeth, etc.

I’m hoping your DS doesn’t end up like my brother tbh - but maybe you can take this as a sign that maybe he needs to be assessed. There might be supports available for you to help nip this in the bud

OP, just read that your poor DS was sexually assaulted. That could be a huge component here. Children of sexual assault have been known to not look after their hygiene, even intentionally soil themselves, to keep abusers away. Even if there is no active threat, it feels safer to them to continue to be unhygienic.

There's no alternative school that you could try in the area?

FWIW I was bullied in secondary school for the first 2-3 yrs - had a miserable time of it. At no point did my parents realise that I was neurodivergent, partly because I still managed to keep up with my schoolwork.

In my years of experience as a secondary school teacher, I've seen several neurodivergent children who exhibited some of the behaviours that you're describing - hiding behind long hair is quite common, for example.

Thank you, so very very much. Your reply is kind and thoughtful. I truly appreciate that.

I hope you’re ok too - and your son. I’m sure he is with a mum like you xx

That’s a sign of autism, talking in an American accent when not American. Brother did it for years as a child.

Oh Lord. I've just seen this. Yes. I agree one hundred per cent. The refusal to wash is very common with children in this position.

I think that the OP needs to arrange for the GP to visit her son at home.

Thank you x I appreciate your reply and what an amazing job your mum is doing! and you too, I’m sure.

100%. It’s time for outside intervention. OP is worried her son will say no, but he is a child, and she is the adult. It’s time to be proactive. There’s no shame in it either, needing outside professional help. It’ll do him the world of good.

Good to know, thank you xx

I'm so sorry for you and him. All I can say is he may be ND or depressed and to seek help from a doctor. If he's motivated by getting a partner, that might help him up the self care? I hope things improve. X

Thank you. Yes, I see this now.

I had one pupil who had been the victim of SA. Refused to wash. Deliberately wanted to smell. Contracted head lice and refused to be treated for them.

This does seem to be a similar case. I'm so sorry OP. You need medical intervention for your son.

Oh my goodness, that hadn’t even crossed my mind! it happened when he was 11 years old. The boy (the boy who’d been bullying him and other classmates) kept touching him (down below) and he was doing it to other children in the class too. Obviously I went straight to the head about it but when she did nothing (unbelievably) we phoned the police. We don’t think they did anything either, or at least they didn’t tell us if they did. We were also concerned for the boy who was doing it. It didn’t happen for long (not that that makes it any better) and we took him out of the school very soon after but do you think it could still be effecting him now?

Just because your brother did it doesn't mean it's a sign of autism. It's also a sign of poor social skills and not realising what is and isn't socially acceptable.

OP does he watch a lot of YouTube etc where they speak American?

I know a child who does it and he is constantly glued to YouTube. He's also not told to stop by his mum so therefore carries on. He's not autistic. OP you said you don't think there's anything wrong with it? It's a strange thing to do so isn't going to help him socially..

Also @LoveAlways1, you’ve taken the first step by reaching out. I know tensions are running high, as are emotions, and you will get people who have no clue what it’s like dealing with these issues butting in. Unfortunately the “classic” methods of “do it now or else” does not work with children like this - all it does is make them retreat further, and that’s the last thing you need when the control of the situation is already tenuous.

I do think it’s time for you to take the next step, which is a GP visit to the house. They’ll refer to a psychologist at the very least, which could open more doors. There’s no way a “normal” child would behave this way, so whether it’s tied to the sexual assaults in school or autism, you’ll be on the right path to figure it out.

My brother grew up in a time where autism was still looked at as either not a real thing or was unknown about entirely. His principals in school told my parents he needed to toughen up when he was mercilessly bullied just for being different. Doctors said he was “just sensitive”. He was your son’s age before someone actually said “you know he’s autistic right?” to my poor parents, who like you and your DP, were utterly lost. By that point, he was almost finished school and suffering deep depression from bullying.

He always, always says he wishes he had the supports available nowadays, and he would 100% plead for you to use these supports for your son as best as you can. Your son won’t like it, at least not at first, but it’s necessary he gets support that’s professional & trained.

You haven’t failed. You won’t have failed if you involve professionals. You’re doing the best with what you can, what you know, and now that you’ve exhausted all you know, the right thing for you all is to find someone who knows the next step.

It actually is though

https://adc.bmj.com/content/98/Suppl1/A36.1

https://autismandoughtisms.wordpress.com/2016/09/16/american-accents-arent-disneys-fault/

www.theautismservice.co.uk/news/does-my-child-show-symptoms-of-autism/

Yes, it can affect children for years afterwards.

I mean this completely non judmemtally x

You need to get an ehcp for your child hun, he needs serious intervention - I'd be contacting the social services as well as his behaviour and detachment from the world is concerning

xx

OP - I'll add here that I was sexually assaulted when I was 7. The related depression and anxiety didn't hit me until I was a teenager and had a better understanding of what had happened to me.

Absolutely! The fallout of sexual assault lasts a lifetime. Even if there’s no real threat of it happening (as he’s at home all the time), his brain is forever hardwired to prepare and protect against it.

Also, children who have been sexually assaulted are also prone to become repeat victims, so I’d pay close attention to who he is speaking with online. The risk doubles if the child is neurodivergent