Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

Ok..you sound like loving caring parents. He is 16. Time to try to treat him like a young adult, I would suggest.With my son I tried to treat him as though he was a friend as in not making comments that I wouldn’t make to a friend ( not over sharing because a 16 year old doesn’t need parent aged friends)It’s really hard. If he looks messy..don’t say anything.if his hair is messy..don’t say anything. Your comment about he wouldn’t let us weigh him suggests you might not be treating him as a sixteen year old. Even now my son is older i have to stop myself commenting when he visits if, for example, his shirt is not ironed. From your original post you sound very intelligent but perhaps your family is too nuclear. So keep up the loving, be there for him but try not to judge him. Hopefully you will be back with a post later saying he is at college and has a girlfriend or boyfriend.Good luck,

I HRTWT so apologies if it has already been mentioned but could it be a Sensory Processing issue. Sensory Processing Disorder it not yet an officially recognised diagnosis but worth looking up if you haven’t already. It does not always occur with Autism. There are several sensory checklists out there you could use to see if any of it sounds familiar and then you could request assessment…?

I’m encouraged that he is willing to look at college brochures. That’s excellent. I suspect if he goes to college, some of these things will sort themselves out, particularly the hygiene. So, he is a singer (as you are). Wonderful!! Choir (preferable because social), private singing lessons if not (builds confidence and ability to give presentations and self-presentation skills). You may have tried this, but the love of music has a strong pull.

I have a fiercely intelligent high functioning autistic friend, and the sensory stuff is definitely a thing. He doesn’t like mint toothpaste, so uses a fennel one and a soft toothbrush. He won’t eat raw tomatoes because the seeds bother him…there are workarounds.

One place to start learning about autism is the work of Chris and Uta Frith, who pioneered a lot of the research in the area. I wish all the best for you and for your son.

No advice, but sending good wishes + support, hopefully you will get the help needed for your family💐

Hi. I see you have lots of replies. You seem to be dismissing neurodiversity on the basis of no difficulties with communication in the early years and some other very stereotypical symptoms. The refusal to leave the house, or doing anything he doesn't want to, the poor personal care and hygiene, and the American accent are all traits associated with neurodivergence.

You say "what can I do/he will refuse" etc. You are his parent and it is your duty to teach him how to care for himself, to give him the skills to interact in society ... especially since You have removed him from school. What would you do if he needed medical care? Let him deteriorate at home because he doesn't want to see the Doctor? From your posts it is clear that you need some professional help, either as a family or individually for him to enable him to reach his potential. Start by contacting your GP to see what services are available in your area. Maybe someone could come to your home. But please .... uiu say this is the first time you have reached out. That was brave, and shows you know you need to make changes. Start tomorrow by phoning your GP for advice.

No advice OP but WTF!!! A child in school sexually assaulting other children and no action is taken?! Chances are the perpetrator is a victim themselves and then multiple other children are affected.

Absolutely disgraceful by the school, governors and other agencies involved.

How about a fitness thing that he can do solo but gets him out the house? Could he run with you or DH or could you join him up to a cheap local gym.
My DS is 17 and although he is a real homebody when not at school he joined the local gym and goes most days. Gets him out the door getting fresh air and gives him a hobby. Or if not the gym judo or something maybe to give him a bit of body confidence and some work out endorphins to cheer him up.
It’s really hard when they don’t leave the house much, however many online friends they have. Feeling for you ❤️.

He doesn’t have symptoms of depression
he clearly does; unwashed, isolated.
Imposing sanctions is harsh and you don't sound as in touch as you claim to be.
Homeschooling has clearly further isolated him.

I can see you're in a dark place and don't want to kick when you're down. I also get where you're coming from, my SD 15 is also very relaxed about hygiene and we really have to force her to wash and brush her teeth. We forget quite a lot and suddenly realise, no-one has ordered her to take a shower for 4 days and that's what that awful smell is.

However, your posts are full of "he won't" do this or that. He's a child. You're not just his parents. You've taken responsibility for his education, so you are his only authority figures. You HAVE to take charge. If you tell him to take a shower, he needs to take a shower. If you're telling him he's going to the GP, he goes to the GP. You're the parent, and the teacher, and everything else. He's lost control and he needs someone to take the reins right now.

OP, this is a fantastic suggestion. He might not be there yet (as in ready or wanting to take up a hobby), there’s a few steps to be taken before this, but fitness can be an excellent outlet. Might I add to the suggestion? Self defense classes. Some type of martial arts?

If his behaviour really is stemming from the sexual assault he endured, self defense classes can be powerful in rebuilding his confidence with the added bonus of getting him out of the house, into an activity that benefits his health (physical and mental)

@UsernameNameUser I believe that talking in an accent different to his own absolutely would have contributed to your brothers positive assessment of Autism. Things are rarely black and white are they? everyone is an individual and should be assessed that way.

Note to Glitterbomb123 ~

I don’t believe talking in a different accent is ‘abnormal’ at all. Especially when a child does it. I definitely don’t believe it’s socially unacceptable.
What I do believe is socially unacceptable is a grown adult saying a child is abnormal and/or strange by changing their accent. Or saying that a child’s behaviour is strange for anything come to that.

It’s a shame when people feel they must conform to what is considered ‘normal’ by the majority of people just to be accepted socially. And expecting children to do the same instead of encouraging them to be true to themselves is just a bit sad really.

I may not be the best parent in the world, but I would never, ever, say or do anything to make a fellow mum feel that their child is strange and that they’ll have problems socially if they don’t act a certain way.

But hey, if it works for you and yours then you do you and let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are!

(mic dropped…struts off stage 🤣)

If my friend stunk I would tell them.

It’s absolutely not strange. A potential sign of mild autism? Yes (as can be seen from the multiple studies conducted on the link) but also a very interesting talent to have! I’m awful at accents for one, so I think it’s impressive to be able to completely change your tone. My brother is a master at the American accent while the rest of us have thick Irish accents 😂 He definitely sounds more clearer than we do most of the time 😂😂

Thank you, that makes sense. It is possible that I haven’t crossed over enough. Perhaps in my mind he’s still a younger child when in fact he is a young adult really.

How odd you've just glossed over your sons sexual assault, have never sought him any professional help and are now making 'mic drop' jokes. If you are a real poster I really despair for this poor boy which such passive parents.

But hey, if it works for you and yours then you do you and let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are! mic dropped…struts off stage

This way of speaking to people is just rude not quirky or funny.
To add; he refuses to let us weigh him
he's 16, not a toddler.
You came here for advice and seem determined that he's not depressed cannot possibly be ND, don't know what you want from
this

OP has not glossed over his sexual assault. OP has replied to many threads about it, seeking further advice on it. The mic drop comment was to someone calling her child strange. I don’t imagine anyone would like hearing their child, who has already been bullied, be bullied further by some rando on the internet

Maybe her reply was a bit rude, but it’s not like every reply on here has been nice & cozy, filled with fuzzy feelings. This is her son, she’s reached the end of her tether, and there’s always a bit of hysteria to desperation

But how is putting on a fake accent "being true to yourself"?

You acknowledge that your son is not behaving as a "normal" 16 yo, in terms of self-care, socialisation etc., PPs have put together some of things you've said and said it sounds very much like an autistic profile, or alternatively a profile of someone dealing with trauma from sexual assault.

You've come here because some of those abnormal behaviours are harmful and you're worried about him, but now you're saying you're happy for him to do whatever he wants as he doesn't have to be normal?

Ok but you're asking advice on how to help your son who is massively struggling socially..?

I didn't say he was strange, I said it was a strange thing to do. All children do strange and weird things, but as parents we are allowed to tell them and teach the the correct and appropriate way to behave. And that includes how we speak to people.

If you randomly started talking to someone at work and they were Welsh and you asked if they were Welsh and they said.. no I just like talking like this, you wouldn't find that odd? I understand he's a child (or young adult almost) but surely as his mum that's where you correct him?

let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are! Ok, carry on encouraging him to be his true self (not showering or cleaning his teeth and talking with a different accent)

From the little I know about ND, people don’t present in a ‘textbook’ online description way. There may be multiple diagnosis at once - or none at all. He may not display some as at home all the time so fewer triggers. I’m saying researching alone is unlikely to give you an answer and you need to engage with a professional EdPsych etc. Maybe also someone he can discuss the assault with.

What about a careers advisor at a college too, and open days to get excited or explore something that piques his interest for college.

I read it as OP is happy to have her son speak in an American accent if he wants because it’s not harming him, whereas OP is not happy to have him not wash himself/look after his physical health, because doing so DOES harm him. I didn’t read it as OP is happy to leave her son rot because of ✨✨✨ individuality ✨✨✨

‘It’s a shame when people feel they must conform to what is considered ‘normal’ by the majority of people just to be accepted socially. And expecting children to do the same instead of encouraging them to be true to themselves is just a bit sad really.’

Sorry OP but it really is not socially acceptable to talk in a different accent, any more than it is not to brush your teeth or wash, and you’re doing your son no favours if you don’t encourage him to adopt behaviours that are acceptable.

It really is a talent! it’s flawless! I’d never ever tell him to stop. He’s expressing himself and there’s nothing wrong with that in my book.

I could have guessed you were Celtic! I’m Scottish (dad is Scottish). Nice to make your acquaintance x

I have a 14yo who does shower clean teeth etc on a school or day or if he going somewhere in particular at weekend/holiday. If there is nothong special on he doesnt see the need unless he is told too.

You said he enjoys holidays? Does he look after his personal hygene then

I imagine teeth is a big comcern (greasy long hair can be cut at late). You have likely already tried but floride tablet help to give him a scare?

Yes. Exactly @UsernameNameUser Thank you ☺️