Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

Homeschooling has gone well
Well, it clearly hasn’t, op!

It’s shocking that you say that so casually in the light of everything you’ve said about what a state your son is in.
It needs rethinking, fast.

If you post on the "SN teens and young adults" or "adoption" (he is not adopted but adoptive parents deal with a huge range of behaviours and tend to be very well informed and helpful) boards, you will most likely get helpful responses.

Your son is behaving in an atypical way. That is most likely because he cannot behave like his peers, not because he doesn't want to. Therefore consequences don't work. Like others have said, he might be neurodiverse. He seems to have sensory processing problems and possibly social challenges. Autism affects people in many different ways, so I would try to get him assessed. Have you found any ways to convince or motivate him to do anything you want him to do?

Thank you so much Bakingandcrying. I’m not currently baking but I am crying! 😆 it was lovely to receive your kind message. It really was. I was getting very upset with people’s replies. I was feeling judged. Probably my own fault for feeling that way but I couldn’t help it. It took a lot to reach out. And I was regretting it. People should really be careful with there words and how they use them.

Thank you, again xx

In the kindest possible way he does appear to show signs of autism. His social isolation and reluctance to get involved in anything. Not washing could be sensory related - he may not like the sensation. Haircuts could be a similar reason, sensory related. You could try speak to your GP and see if there are any outreach teams who could come to your home and speak to him?

Everything you are saying about him is screaming autism to me. "High functioning" autism: school/ social problems, fussy about food, not wanting to wash, being bright etc. But, as you say, would there be any point getting him assessed? I don't know...

It never fails to amaze me how quickly some people want to stick the knife in, its worth remembering that it’s not how people that are happy with their lives behave.

Its good to see there’s lots of practical replies, focus on them and genuinely ignore the finger wagging weirdos (they thrive on the attention)

best of luck to you and your son OP, look after yourself ❤️

If I was homeschooled I honestly wouldn't bother showering or washing either - you're just at home, what's the point?!

I'm neurotypical.

I don't think your son is autistic but I do think he needs to go back to school. The teen years are critical for socialising and developing adult social skills - they're formative to your whole personality.

If he's getting bullied I would change school to a nicer one, not homeschool. I recommend you get him enrolled in a college OP, and maybe some drama/public speaking courses to build up his social confidence

@LoveAlways1 Dear OP, I think you and DP are not capable to help him out without getting external help. You can start with GP who will weigh him and can talk to him about hygiene. Take him to the dentist who will explain the importance of brushing his teeth. Maybe the GP can make a referral for him to a psychologist because it sounds like he needs to talk to someone outside the family unit. It would be great for him to go to mainstream school now because even if he's advanced on an academic level with you, his social skills have clearly suffered. I wish you all the best in the future 💐

The bullying went on over the course of 2 years. It wasn’t just our son being bullied either. We had what must of been in excess of 30 meetings with teachers over the 2 years. We spoke with our son constantly about it. He opened up to us about it. We believe he told us everything that went on. We took things higher on a number of occasions. We did everything we could. The school and the boys parents were not taking any appropriate action so we felt we had no choice but to remove him from the harm he was experiencing.

We have removed his access to the internet a number of times. Believe me - it made things a whole lot worse.

We only ever had healthy food and drinks in the house. He wouldn’t eat it. He started to lose weight.

Everything you have said, we have tried. We aren’t namby pamby parents. We are strict/firm when we need to be. Please understand, that your approach (which was also ours) doesn’t work for everyone.

Hi, thank you for your message.

I have just been looking up ASD. Lots to learn there. Thank you.

I did read that signs of ASD are usually visible from a very early age. And usually begin between 1-2 years old. Our son had no issues communicating with anyone when he was younger. It’s been since he was pre-teen and even now he is fine talking to people if/when he does see them. He’s calm, relaxed and polite. I’m not sure he has ASD.

Have you tried speaking to your GP?

"Tough love" doesn't work with neuro divergence so there is no point trying that as you have found- it's just cruel. If your son was in a wheelchair you wouldn't say but you must walk or we will take your phone off you.
You sound like a lovely caring family and I wanted to send solidarity. My son has adhd (mostly inattentive) and we have our struggles. Your son may not wish to seek diagnosis but you can read up on autism and adhd and perhaps consider how you would help him if he had those conditions. It's not easy, but we're not all the same and that doesn't make him wrong. I hope you understand my clumsy words here - keep on keeping on. What a lovely mum you sound.

I agree with you. But he won’t go to the doctors. He also won’t speak with them on the phone. I’m at a loss at what to do.

You said he was miserable at school. I'm willing to absolutely bet he's still miserable now, as in depressed, isolated, lacks self esteem, self confidence. I'd have him to the GP ASAP for a mental health assessment.

Could you speak with them yourself? They may be able to give you advice.

Having seen some of the further updates I agree, but I echo PP who suggest some form of neurodiversity. Or, perhaps this is a trauma response following the bullying. That sounds like a horrific experience for all of you and it’s shocking that the school were so ineffectual.

@LoveAlways1 I think part of the problem, as it’s unlikely to be one thing but a cumulative effect of many things, but maybe the main problem is that being homeschooled has meant he is not having any peer pressure to behave in an appropriate way. If he was at school the other teens would not tolerate his non washing yellow toothed state. He would be told he was ‘ manky’ by his peers and at this age that is very powerful. He is not interacting with young girls or boys his age to form an attraction either. That also generates better hygiene. In other words. He gets a college or uni place or he goes to work. But either way, get him out the house. No more homeschool. Can you withhold internet if unwashed etc. that’s a good incentive also. I would not care if that’s his only communication. He will need to choose what’s more important for himself. Good luck op.

For people to help, they need to understand the full facts. They aren’t being unkind, they are trying to look at things from a perspective that perhaps you haven’t seen.
Unfortunately you cannot dictate what tone people chose to give advice- that’s the nature a site like this.

Additionally, it highlights that online, you don’t know who you are speaking to and what they will say. Hence, why some posters are telling you to find out who your DS is contacting online.

Other posters have highlighted a number of good point that’s require action from yourself:

• He needs to be assessed fro see if he is ND
• He is extremely isolated, having contact with only two people. He needs to be taken out on a daily basis. Take him out for breakfast, send him into the shop for milk etc He doesn’t have to join a club but he does need to get out.
• His hygiene is linked to his isolation, he does not need to wash his face and brush his teeth when he isn’t likely to see anyone that day. Take him out, in his unbrushed state. He will soon feel embarrassed and next time, will present better.
• You need to reduce his use of online gaming etc. Don’t argue that you’ve tried. Disconnect the wifi and be done. Expect shouting, that’s natural but you have to instil boundaries
• You need to find out who your 16yr old child is talking to online and what he is doing. Don’t look for excuses of why you can’t.
• You need to start to require more from him in the home. He needs to be helpful and help out. Give him chores.

Then you need to built up to:

• Looking into colleges for him to attend, even on a part time basis. Homeschooling may have been successful for him academically but he is clearly now struggling socially and not meeting his own basic needs. He needs to start to get some independence. Hopefully he will be able to develop friendships too.
• Finding a part time job. This will require him to keep on top of his hygiene and work on his social skills and his independence.

Dont mollycoddle, he needs two parents that are prepared to give him the best start in life. This now means getting tough and preparing him to step out into the world.

You are so lovely, thank you ☺️ yes, I must remember that. People who are happy with themselves and their lives really don’t go around being unkind to people, judging and making others feel bad. That’s very true.

Thank you, honestly, you’ve brought me back to strength tonight! You’re an awesome human being x

Ohhh dear. Ok. Sending you love 🥰

Do you in any way check his online activity?

Exactly this. Days I WFH I look like Worzel Gummage. Days I have to see my peers I doll myself up. By interacting with colleagues and school friends we tend to conform to social norms, brush teeth, wash hair, wear clean clothes.

When we can hide away, there is no need. He has been allowed to hide away for years, there is no one to impress, no one to fear, no trends to follow, no uniform rules to adhere to.

I feel for you OP but I don’t know what the answer is.

Well done for reaching out. I’m sorry things are tough. While it may be difficult to get him to engage with any professionals, maybe it would be helpful for you to discuss your current situation with someone who can offer tailored expert advice regarding how you can best support him. My children are younger but I found the Mind charity helpline very useful when I needed advice regarding one of my children. I believe they can also refer on for more comprehensive support. Just getting some advice at this stage and talking things over with someone qualified to give you some insight may help to give you a better idea of where to start and what they underlying issues may be. Wishing you the best of luck going forward. The advice you’ll get on here will be mixed as your post is trending which always attracts negative comments but weed out the useful advice and ignore any judgement.

I also think your son may be ND even when we are well researched and educated ourselves as young people present so differently, we may miss it.

He also could be low in mood and overwhelmed.

Have you been to the GP - if your son doesn’t want to go can you go, talk this through and get advice?

Will he look at college or a gaming/ computer type course or activity to support him in leaving the home.

Would he want to invite one of his online friends to your house for a gaming afternoon?

Would he tolerate a multi vitamin daily - a gummy sweet one with vit D in it?

Can you reach out to any voluntary groups that specialise in supporting young people and their parents in ND? Autism uk for example? They will give you strategies to help.

Is there any room for negotiation on showering - haircuts/ shaving are not important- but is there anything that can be compromised here? from his perspective what would it take for him to get in the shower say 2 x’s a week?

I also liked the other posters idea of an animal - is that something which he would like and could support him?

Whats his sleep like?

How is his interaction with his friends?

At 16 he has now had a number of years to develop his behaviour and his daily routine so this is going to take time to get to more of a positive place.

I genuinely don't think OP's is neurodiverse, or in any way unusual. I think a lot of people if they didn't have to go out to school or work wouldn't bother showering or brushing their teeth. Lots didn't in COVID.

If OP's son was in a math class chatting to a girl he fancied I'm sure he'd be washing and brushing his teeth pretty sharpish.

He needs help to get out of the house and find a real life social circle - easiest way is to join a college and study with people his own age.

I think trying to label this anything other than what it is - social isolation - will just lead to more issues for OP's son. Nip it in the bud and help him get back out in the world