Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

@LoveAlways1 nice to read your update and glad you’ve found some strategies that work for your ds.

Im also struggling with my 17 year old dd but she won’t even step foot in a doctor’s surgery (even for physical health problems) or won’t accept any help at all.

Yoire not alone.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I’m really not passive aggressive or any of the things a lot of the posters are saying. But I understand that people perspectives are their own and can often be mistaken when reading communication online.

We have made positive steps forward over the last week.

Re a Therapist - I believe in therapy, for everyone to be honest - I don’t think there needs to necessarily be a concern to have therapy, I think it can help everybody with all areas of their lives. I’ve talked with my son about it before and he’s not interested. I will talk about it again, but getting a 16 year old to talk to their parents about anything below the surface can often be hard enough (luckily we do have a good level of open communication within our family) let alone getting them to travel to talk to a stranger 🫣 hopefully one day he’ll be more open to the idea.

Thank you for your message xx

Thank you, your reply means a lot. Just to know we are not alone makes a difference doesn’t it? 🌹🤍

I hear you with their unwillingness to accept help. It’s a tough thing to accept as our number one job has always been to keep them healthy hasn’t it. It’s frustrating. Probably for them as well as us as I’m not sure they can entirely help it - hormones flying about, trying to figure themselves out, who they are, etc. I remember feeling all sorts when I was a teenager. I never really felt comfortable in my own skin. Then in my early twenties I found my confidence and things changed for the better.

I understand how you’re feeling. Please know that if you ever want to message me I’ll always listen. I’ll never judge. You’re not alone either 🌹

You say you started homeschooling him and I guess that was during Covid? I wonder if it’s a mental health issue triggered by the life we were all forced into during Covid or perhaps he is ND? This kind of thing is very common in people with autism and ADHD. It’s a pity he doesn’t have any friends who are likely to influence him more positively as they do generally tend to listen to their friends more closely than their parents at that age. You might find it’s just a phase and that one day he’ll just snap out of it but in the meantime I think you need to try and insist on certain personal hygiene routines and withhold privileges if he doesn’t commit as this affects the whole family. And you need to make it clear that insisting on this from a place of love and care and best interests at heart. I wish you all the best. X

PDA is also an ADHD trait. Both myself and my have it. I must say, going to the personal hygiene thing, whereas I have OCD and so am completely on the other end of the scale my daughter’s personal hygiene is questionable to say the least. She does shower and clean her teeth but I noticed often she doesn’t smell great and her teeth often look covered in plaque and her hair is often greasy so she definitely doesn’t take care of herself as most others would even though she’s almost 30 now. I wonder how your son would respond if you discussed the possibility that he may be Neurodivergent? Do you think he would see this as a personal attack?

Hi OP
I'm afraid I agree with others who say your DS is probably on the autistic spectrum. Yes, you are supposed to see traits when they're young but I bet if you think back to that time there were indicators. You say DS was bullied in primary; was he generally liked but there was one 'bully' who picked on him or did he not have many friends/make connections easily? Did he always have sensory issues - not like loud noises/certain feood textures/smells.

I know with my DS, who are definitely ND awaiting diagnosis, that when they are very anxious or depressed they don't want to engage in any self-care whatsover (thankfully this is rare), but DS had long hair for about a year and in he end he did get it cut but after a lot of procrastination (I think even he was fed up with it). They are also v high achievers and perfectionists but always think they have 'failed' esp DS. This is a theme with him.

I don't think you DS has to go to school - school can be damaging, it definitely didn't have a good affect on my DCs (they are past school age now), but were much happier at uni. You say he is interested in college - you should definitely pick up on that an go with him to open days, etc.

Can I also recommend going on the FB page parenting mental health - there are so many families there in similar cicumstances who will be able to offer advice. It's a charity as well as a FB community and they run courses for parents as well.

Good luck!

Hi there, thanks for your reply.

i understand everything you’ve said.

Funnily enough, I broached the subject with him the other day and he replied very reasonably. He said ‘What’s that?’ I said I know a little bit about it but let’s look it up. So that’s what we did and he said he didn’t feel that he was but he wasn’t defensive at all. He’s a really polite calm boy, always has lovely manners and although he has always liked the word ‘no’ he thankfully isn’t rude or anything. We’ve always been able to talk openly and even though that has changed a little since he’s entered into the teenage years, we can still talk every day.
We went to the doctors a couple of times recently (at his request - he had a blocked ear) and he brushed his teeth had a shower washed and brushed his hair and changed his clothes before we left! so it does look like things are improving.

Thanks again for your input, I really do appreciate it and I hope you’re ok too?

Hi, thanks for your input.

It was just one boy in primary who was unkind to him and others in their class/school. He was well liked and made friends and connections easily with other children and adults. He’s never had sensory issues. He doesn’t show any symptoms of anxiety or depression (other than the hygiene things) he doesn’t smell and he does have showers and wash and brush his hair and teeth but not as often as we feel he needs to.

After speaking to and listening to other parents and a couple of specialists, I am thinking more and more that he is being a typical teenager. I would never ever dismiss the possibility of a mental health condition.

I agree with you about the school thing. Home schooling has been great academically for him and us as a family. He communicates with his friends every day but he’s not physically seeing them often. He is upbeat, laughs every day, is always singing and smiling (I know this doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not depressed, but I am very aware of the signs of depression and anxiety and it’s something I would never ignore).

Thanks again for your advice, it is very kind of you xx

That certainly sounds like progress and he sounds lovely! It’s good that your relationship with him seems so solid, that will certainly help. I wish you both all the best.

Hi bendmeoverbackwards,

Sorry for the very late reply! I haven’t been back to visit this post for a while.

i just wanted to reach out to say thank you to you for making me feel like I wasn’t alone. I appreciate it ☺️

Hope all is well with you and your teen?