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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being the only one buying

258 replies

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:13

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 28/10/2024 12:14

Why are you paying for it all? Are you scared of him?

OutVileJelly1 · 28/10/2024 12:15

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:13

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

Why are you allowing him to take the piss!?

He should be paying half of everything

Coffeecoconut · 28/10/2024 12:15

What’s your financial setup? With three kids why aren’t you sharing joint finances? How do you cope on maternity leave? (Sorry for the barrage of questions, I find this setup very odd!)

MidnightPatrol · 28/10/2024 12:16

You need to have some shared ‘pot’ which you both contribute to each month.

We have a monthly direct debit which is £x and it covered all shared costs.

Original poster
Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:16

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:13

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

Things wouldn't get paid if I didn't and unfortunately it would have a huge effect on me as its all in my name apart from the mortgage, at times I think I am scared of how he would react if I made comments about it all

OP posts:
Sillysausage76 · 28/10/2024 12:17

So what does he pay for?

marcopront · 28/10/2024 12:17

What are his good points?

MrSeptember · 28/10/2024 12:19

If he pays for nothing, what is the value in him being in your life? At least if he moved out, you'd have one person to pay for heating, eating, electricity etc.

9outof10cats · 28/10/2024 12:19

What does your partner bring to the relationship, apart from the sperm he donated to father your children?

Original poster
Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:21

There was a time when he was paying a little bit towards the mortgage a month but then he said he couldn't afford it, I don't know what he does with his money as he pays for his car and his unit which isn't that much a month.

We both have separate bank accounts which I don't know how much he has in his but he did have £3000 a few months ago, I have struggled on maternity leave but luckily I have some savings which has helped

OP posts:
museumum · 28/10/2024 12:23

Why isn't your children's father paying half of their costs? Does he really not think that he should? I can't imagine how he could possibly argue that he shouldn't.
This is financial abuse OP. I'm really sorry.

YellowRoom · 28/10/2024 12:23

He doesn't provide for you and the children or care for you and the children. Your fiancee is actively making your life worse.

YellowRoom · 28/10/2024 12:25

Get onto womens aid. He's abusing you and your children and you're scared of him.

MrSeptember · 28/10/2024 12:25

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:21

There was a time when he was paying a little bit towards the mortgage a month but then he said he couldn't afford it, I don't know what he does with his money as he pays for his car and his unit which isn't that much a month.

We both have separate bank accounts which I don't know how much he has in his but he did have £3000 a few months ago, I have struggled on maternity leave but luckily I have some savings which has helped

OP, I don't want to kick you when you're down, but I think this is, at best, a financailly abusive relationship. Most likely, the financial abuse comes with other types of abusive and/or controlling behaviours. It is worrying that you are questioning whether it's fair that you pay 100% of the bills.

lifeisnotstraigtforward · 28/10/2024 12:25

I have voted YABU, only for the fact is that I don't understand why the father of your children, who you live with and has a job is not paying for his own children! The children are not just your responsibility, he is responsible too and needs to step up and support you all.

Singleandproud · 28/10/2024 12:26

You are being financially abused.
You aren't married, what's the deal with the mortgage - is your name on it?

What he is doing is not ok, but he isn't going to change either so you need to decide whether you are happy to bankroll him forever or whether you want a clean break.

You have bad mental health because you are being abused, you will be astounded how brighter you feel once you get rid of the cocklodger.

curtaintwitcher78 · 28/10/2024 12:26

When you say unit do you mean storage or does he have a separate home?

MrSeptember · 28/10/2024 12:26

lifeisnotstraigtforward · 28/10/2024 12:25

I have voted YABU, only for the fact is that I don't understand why the father of your children, who you live with and has a job is not paying for his own children! The children are not just your responsibility, he is responsible too and needs to step up and support you all.

that's really not helpful. You know why? Because now, when OP comes along and looks t th epoll, she's going to think, "wow, okay, although MOST people think I am not being unreasonable, SOME people think I am. So maybe he has a point." Because no, she's not going to come and read the posts and think, "oh right, there were one or two who just think I'm such an idiot for accepting this that they've voted IABU".

I really don't get why people do this.

Original poster
Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:28

As stupid as its going to sound I'm still with him because I love him which is what annoys me and at times he does make me feel happy and safe but I'm really starting to struggle with paying for everything, his attitude when I do end up asking him for help, it got to the point where he will watch me struggling with the kids and he waits until I've lost it before he offers to help, he doesn't play with them or if he does it's just with the baby

OP posts:
MollyButton · 28/10/2024 12:30

You need to stop paying, and separate. You are being financially abused.
If in the UK you have no claim on the house, but get financial advice. Start claiming any benefits and child support. Move out ASAP.
And Women's aid can help.

reesiespieces · 28/10/2024 12:30

You deserve so much more OP and so do your kids.

Savingthehedgehogs · 28/10/2024 12:30

I believe you are being abused too.

Financially and emotionally. And you are too afraid to raise the issue with him, please get some help op

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2024 12:30

You'd be better off without this leech.

Singleandproud · 28/10/2024 12:31

Do you love him though?
Or do you love the idea of him, the fantasy he sold you at the beginning?
Or do you love having a 'partner' and don't want to be alone?
There are no redeeming comments that you've mentioned about him at all. Apart from perhaps he is employed - but as you don't benefit from that it's a bit moot.

What was your childhood like because I can assure you no one who was treated well during their childhood would accept this so I expect you went from one abusive situation to another.

PinkyFlamingo · 28/10/2024 12:31

MrSeptember · 28/10/2024 12:26

that's really not helpful. You know why? Because now, when OP comes along and looks t th epoll, she's going to think, "wow, okay, although MOST people think I am not being unreasonable, SOME people think I am. So maybe he has a point." Because no, she's not going to come and read the posts and think, "oh right, there were one or two who just think I'm such an idiot for accepting this that they've voted IABU".

I really don't get why people do this.

Show quote history

Of course it's helpful, anything to make the OP wake up and do something about this mess of a relationship that 3 poor kids are being brought up in.