Being the only one buying

[Everydayimwingingit]

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

OP WTH! Is the house in just his name too or do you jointly own it?

I do not understand how you can live with a man who does absolutely nothing to contribute to the house or DC.

This is all so wrong.

Is he paying for your pension contributions while you're out of work and bringing up your (shared) children? I'm going to guess not..

If you have a shared life and shared responsibilties then you need to have shared finances (or something approximating shared responsibility for ALL costs). Otherwise i'm afraid it's beginning to sound like financial abuse and you absolutely should not be putting up with it. But, why didn't you discuss all this BEFORE you had children with this man?!

Sorry you live together and he's giving you zero towards mortgage and bills?!!!!

Address this now set up a joint account for bills he put in on pay day a percentage of his earnings and you do the same. This is absolutely financial abuse!

You're being unreasonable because this is not what love looks like.

As stupid as its going to sound I'm still with him because I love him which is what annoys me and at times he does make me feel happy and safe but I'm really starting to struggle with paying for everything, his attitude when I do end up asking him for help, it got to the point where he will watch me struggling with the kids and he waits until I've lost it before he offers to help, he doesn't play with them or if he does it's just with the baby

What's the point of pouring your love into a bloke who doesn't love you back?

If he loved you, he wouldn't sit back and watch you struggle financially or practically.

If he loved his kids, he wouldn't ignore them and only "help" when you're desperate.

I daresay he may say the words, but without the actions, his "love" is worth shit.

If he was a half-decent man, he wouldn't be living off you.

Why do people DO this? Quote the OP 😂 - if there is ONE post that we have ALL read, it is this one

Just the answer the questions people may now ask me -
No, I am not the thread police, but I can still ask
No, I am not "fumin"
No, I have no life
Yes, I am bemused/ intrigued why people do it

What are you loving?
A man who doesn't respect or see you as his equal?

Who owns the house?

He's a cocklodger kick him out then apply for child maintenance and definitely stop buying his family gifts.

"I still love him"

@Everydayimwingingit your bar is so low you can walk over it.

What would you say to your daughters if they were being treated like this?

Because you had better prepare a future answer as you are giving them an example of what they should expect from a man.

Why are you paying all the mortgage on a house you both own. You would be far better selling up and getting a property on your own.
No way would I put up with this Cocklodger.

He's clearly not going to do that though. She said she can't talk to him about money because she's scared what response she's going to get.

This man is a financially abusive pig and she really does need to leave him. He's contributing absolutely NOTHING - she'd be better off leaving him as at least then she could get some money through CMS.

Stop having babies with him and stop buying presents for his family as a starting point.

I’m worried for you that you still love him. Please divorce him and get some maintenance. And I hope his name isn’t on the mortgage

As said above, he’s a cocklodger

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester , they aren't married.

@Everydayimwingingit , you don't love him, you love who you think he is.

Please collect / download all bank statements and correlate them to bills (including mortgage) to demonstrate you have paid for everything. You might need it when divorcing him.

Also agree, you don’t love him, you love what you wish he was

Missed the bit about the mortgage being in his name

If you are paying for everything I think you might have a claim on the house.

Taken from www.familylawgroup.co.uk/news/what-rights-do-you-have-to-your-home-if-you-separate

If you are co-habiting, it is possible to apply to court to obtain an occupation order, if you satisfy the balance of harm test which, if granted, would allow you to continue to live in the house. This is usually just a temporary measure, but it may give you sufficient time to prove your entitlement to an interest in the house

and also

If you have solely paid all the household bills it could be argued this is above and beyond what is expected of an ordinary cohabitee

I think you need to split up but before you do you need to see a solicitor to see if you have at least a claim on the house or just to get a percentage of what you have paid out over the years.

I would also be looking through every single transaction on your bank account and any credit card statement and working out what was spent on bills, mortgage, home insurance clothing for dc, expenses like nursery fees, school trips etc, food shopping, days out, holidays etc In fact anything where you have spent money that was not just on yourself. List it in categories eg Mortgage payments (if this is a repayment mortgage I would have the payments you made split into interest on the loan and repayments made towards the loan) children’s clothes, holidays etc Plus put down any payments he made to your bank account

Then armed with this information I would see a solicitor

I still stand by what I put in my PP about your fiancé. But whilst a lot of posters are saying to transfer the bills back into his name, I would keep the status quo until you have worked out your legal position

You can get usually a free session with a solicitor so I would go to a few to lay out your issues and to find someone who you feel comfortable with.

Use your anger to keep quiet and keep secret what you are doing

Whilst the law states that if you are only living with someone and you split up, you are not entitled to anything, however in cases like this where you have been paying for everything then other laws are there to protect you

This is financial and emotional abuse OP

No doubt about that

It is possible and common to love your abuser: that however isn’t a reason to stay. Just makes it emotionally harder to leave but leave you must

Please phone womens aid for support asap

Your kids need to to get out of this OP.

YOU need to get free of this

Serious question: how can you love someone who treats you so badly? He’s not an equal partner & never has been.

I don’t think you should have stayed with him this long tbh, my advice would be to tell him you will leave him if he doesn’t change.

My first thought is to check about the mortgage, you say your name isn’t on it, but you pay ? Check your legal situation if your not named on the deeds.

second stop paying for everything, stop buying presents for his family for a start.

seriously I know you say you love him, but he’s controlling you, abusing isn’t just done with fists. What does he bring to the family ?

All of this in a nutshell.

As this is financial abuse and also emotional abuse when he sees you struggle and doesn’t help I would think there is a possibility that this is something you could get legal aid for.

This!

Isn't there an implant now that gives you protection against pregnancy without having to remember the pill? Get that. Get it before you get pregnant again.

You love what about him exactly? What joy does he bring to your life.

He's a scrounging cocklodger. Tell him you can't afford to have him living with you and he'll have to I get his own place. Put a claim in for CM and UC. You'll probably be a lot happier.

If you want him then you'll have to suck it up. He's never going to step up. Stop having babies with the loser at leas and definitely don't marry him.