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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being the only one buying

258 replies

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:13

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

OP posts:
Single50something · 29/10/2024 18:33

That's not fair at all. And I think you know that but also know it will add to your MH issues if you confront him. But you almost need to..you do need to..confront it as its really not for you to struggle on aline when he is your 'partner'
It's abuse and you need to not allow it to happen.
From experience it's hard to see it when in the situ.but listen to what people say. You'd be better on your own than living like that. Im a single mum and it's blimmin hard but at least my mind is mostly free of mental abuse now x

laraitopbanana · 29/10/2024 18:37

hi op,

gentle hug 🌺

It looks like you need help. You are saying both your name are on the mortgage but he doesn’t pay a thing? Or his share of the bills?
that would be what you are going after and then you use it for what you want.

if he doesn’t want to, unfortunately, you can’t force him. You will need to decide if you and the kids are better off with or without him 💔

Good luck 🌺

MaggieBsBoat · 29/10/2024 18:37

What the actual …..

You love him.
He is abusing you emotionally, financially and just generally taking you for a ride.
HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
Well, it’s a good way to waste your life I suppose. Knock yourself out. SMH.

MaggieBsBoat · 29/10/2024 18:39

Sorry that was insensitive.

I‘ve been in an abusive relationship too.

I am sorry.

But you have to decide that you are worth more than being treated like a slave. While you won’t then you are wasting your life. You will regret this when you are older.

PotatoLove · 29/10/2024 18:45

He is financially abusing you for a start, he sounds like a total piss taker imo. So, you have three children with this guy yet he pays for nothing?

RichTea90 · 29/10/2024 18:48

Why are you with him?!

Pelsall116 · 29/10/2024 18:49

Sorry OP but you've got yourself a right little cock lodger there; tell him straight to either pay his way and contribute to his kids or go

Scarfitwere · 29/10/2024 18:55

This must be a joke surely...why would anyone buy a house and then have three - THREE! - children with someone like that?? Without laying down ground rules about how finances are split first?

Newsenmum · 29/10/2024 19:01

Woah I don’t get it! Isn’t your money joint!l? Like you both put money in a joint account (he puts in more as earns more) and you use that for the kids and household?

MadMadaMim · 29/10/2024 19:19

Have I understood correctly?

You have 3 children together but he doesn't contribute at all to living costs? Is that right? He only pays for his car?

He has 3 children and isn't contributing. He's living on the house for free - no intilriy bills, no mortgage costs.

Does he pay for his own mobile? Who pays childcare? What exactly does he pay?

You may love him bit he doesn't love you or his children. He's found a carefree and free life.

You and the children would actually be better off if you made him leave. One less person to feed. None less use of jot water etc. and you'd get child maintenance

He's taking the piss. And you're allowing it. You are absolutely enabling him and his behaviour. You really need to think about you and your children.

I'm astounded

Awaywiththefairies078 · 29/10/2024 19:41

This really isn’t a healthy relationship. You are really struggling way too much. It’s difficult to get out of a situation like this but maybe you need to start thinking about it. You could afford it as you’re paying for everything already.
I hope your name is on the mortgage ( sorry if it’s been said, not read all the posts )
also, if this was your life why did you have another baby with him? This must have put a ton more strain on you. I feel for you. You need to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your days or if you need to make plans to move on.

croydon15 · 29/10/2024 19:59

Definitely not right. Are they his children or just the baby, children don't come cheap he should help you out and not let you struggle, sounds that you may be better off without him.

Lolaandbehold · 29/10/2024 20:30

I am not sure if I'm following. You pay all bills, including mortgage but excluding your fiance's car and unit. (What does he keep in the unit!)

The mortgage and presumably the house is are both in his name, desite the fact that you're paying, is that right?

And you're not married so this man could walk away and leave you high and dry at any point?

I really hope I'm wrong, but if I am not, you're in an incredibly vulnerable position.
That said, he sounds awful, so not sure I'd advocate marrying him either.

Sounds like you'd be better off without him.

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/10/2024 20:39

Singleandproud · 28/10/2024 12:31

Do you love him though?
Or do you love the idea of him, the fantasy he sold you at the beginning?
Or do you love having a 'partner' and don't want to be alone?
There are no redeeming comments that you've mentioned about him at all. Apart from perhaps he is employed - but as you don't benefit from that it's a bit moot.

What was your childhood like because I can assure you no one who was treated well during their childhood would accept this so I expect you went from one abusive situation to another.

This is the question (s) you need to be asking yourself. Singleandproud has it on the nose!!

FasterMichelin · 29/10/2024 20:43

Another deadbeat. Your confidence must be rock bottom to put up with that. Has he been physically abusive before? Is that why you're worried to raise it?

Pessismistic · 29/10/2024 20:46

Your situation sounds awful he is definitely abusing you and you may love him but doesn't sound like he loves you or even like you or his kids. I would get rid and make him pay through csa he is not a real man doing this to you or his kids it will only get worse and definitely don't marry him. How does he make you feel safe? He's making you spend all your income and savings without a thought for you or his kids. You will give your children a better life on your own. How will they feel love when he's only interested in the baby. If you have a joint mortgage he's liable for half every month not just when it suits him.

Wolframandhart · 29/10/2024 20:48

As stupid as its going to sound I'm still with him because I love him
he doesnt even like you.

at times he does make me feel happy and safe
he shouldn't as the only bill in his name is the mortgage. Is your name on the house deeds? The only bill his name is on is the one that can make you and the children homeless.

harmfulsweeties · 29/10/2024 21:15

It's a massive red flag that you're scared of raising these issues with him. Healthy relationships are relationships where you can talk to each other and discuss these kinds of things.

At the least, you're in an unhealthy relationship. At the most, you're in a financially and perhaps more, abusive relationship-and I'm leaning towards that based on what you have said.

He doesn't love you or respect you. He is quite happy to sit there, stashing away his cash, knowing that you are struggling and he doesn't give a crap enough to help. He knows it's unfair- and he doesn't care. Doesn't that tell you a lot about him?

Of course, if you raise it with him, he'll likely play the bug eyed oblivious card "Oh, I didn't realise, why didn't you say something?" and turn it around on you-but there is no way that he's getting away with paying absolutely nothing towards your shared lives together and unaware of it.

I can imagine he thinks he struck gold with you. There's a woman he can have kids with, who will pay for everything (including his mortgage and children) and do everything, too! So, he can sit on his arse, stashing his cash whilst you struggle for every penny to make ends meet.

The mortgage thing is beyond puzzling, too. So, you're paying the mortgage but it's his house and I'm assuming you're not on the deeds-thus have zero rights over the property should all this go tits up? He's stitching you up good and proper here.

He gets the benefits of having all his expenses paid, his kids paid for and looked after-and not having to pay for his investment as you're doing that for him. So, he gets to keep his money and his asset.

This is financial abuse. Please seek advice from Women's Aid and get out of this as soon as you can. This isn't a matter of having a discussion with him-he's shown you who he is-and what he truly thinks of you-act accordingly.

Pussycat22 · 29/10/2024 21:18

Singleandproud, beautifully put. He sounds a right darling doesn't he!! Out out out !!!

JoBrandsCleaner · 29/10/2024 22:25

‘I'm still with him because I love him’ -
well he certainly doesn’t love you, he’s an absolute waste of space arsehole stop being so wet and get rid of him

TheMamaLife · 30/10/2024 05:27

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:28

As stupid as its going to sound I'm still with him because I love him which is what annoys me and at times he does make me feel happy and safe but I'm really starting to struggle with paying for everything, his attitude when I do end up asking him for help, it got to the point where he will watch me struggling with the kids and he waits until I've lost it before he offers to help, he doesn't play with them or if he does it's just with the baby

What do you love about him? How does he make you feel safe? You’re the one making HIM safe, and where’s the gratitude? He sounds awful. And I think you need counselling to understand that this is not love.

“Love” is the “cherry on top” of a relationship… cooperation and mutual respect is what actually makes a relationship. Love is pointless and unhelpful without the other ingredients.

RichTea90 · 30/10/2024 05:54

It sounds like you have 4 children, OP.

WhiteJasmin · 30/10/2024 06:14

OP maybe it's a wake up call but why is this person your fiance or even a father to 3 of your children when he doesn't sound like he pull his weight with the kids or financially? You only got yourself to blame getting into this mess. What is there to love with a partner who doesn't respect you or take responsibility of your shared children? Is this the kind of partner you want to see your children have? You are modelling the relationship they will have in the future. Take a stance and find someone who you can partner with if he's not willing to change.

FindingNeverland28 · 30/10/2024 06:30

MollyButton · 28/10/2024 12:30

You need to stop paying, and separate. You are being financially abused.
If in the UK you have no claim on the house, but get financial advice. Start claiming any benefits and child support. Move out ASAP.
And Women's aid can help.

Do NOT move out before seeking legal advice (unless you and the children are in danger). If you aren’t going to leave him and he isn’t going to contribute to the mortgage etc, then you need some paperwork drawn up, which gives you something like a 95% share of the house and him the remaining 5%.
Tell him he has 2 choices… 1.) either pay 50% or 2.) sign the paperwork.
Personally, I’d have him sign the paperwork and then give him his marching orders.

Goodtogossip · 30/10/2024 15:40

What is this man actually bringing to your life other than babies? He should be paying at least half of all household outgoings & half of anything spent on the kids. When he's in a good mod & calm tell him you're struggling with all expenses & you need him to step up & pay his way. Ask him what will happen if you stop paying the mortgage & you loose the house or you can't afford food or clothes for the kids. It worries me that you feel you can't ask him. Please do not marry this man until you have things sorted out & trust he'll financially support his family going forward long term, as you'll be lumbered with him & it will cost you to divorce him.

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