Being the only one buying

[Everydayimwingingit]

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

Oh OP. Please read your OP back and imagine it was another woman who had written it. What would you say? Where to even begin. Ask him to step up. What is the worst that could happen? Honestly, what is the worst?

OP have I got this right?
Your name is not on the mortgage but you are the one paying it? And you're not married?
If I'm right, you need to get legal advice and talk to women's aid because you are very vulnerable. You could end up homeless with no claim. And for god's sake don't tell him that you are getting advice. Be very very careful.

Stop getting pregnant to him! Why did you just have a third baby? What are you doing??

Please, please for the love of God, go and speak to someone in real life. Tell your friends, your parents, someone and ask for help. Kick him out and claim child maintenance from him.

I can’t even type a proper reply to this because it’s so unbelievable that you’re acting like this is normal.

Is it love or is it fear of going it alone with 3 DC? You’re being financially abused & from what you’re saying he doesn’t really sound much of a father either. Who waits until you’re at breaking point to offer any help with parenting? Everything should be split, bills, holidays, he shouldn’t have to be asked to watch his kids or help out he should want to.

He has it easy with you, you do everything, pay for everything why he does the bare minimum. I think you really need to consider if this is the life you want for you & your children.

Is he the father to them all? Have you done the cms calculations to see what you’d get if you split up? Was it your house before you got together? I can’t understand why you don’t make him pay?

This person is affecting your mental health. They are financially abusive. It might be that you don't yet know what a healthy relationship looks like , but this is NOT a healthy relationship. Please try to get some support in real life, either from trusted friends or family if you have them, or Women's Aid. Tell them what you have told us here. This is not a good person for you and if you were my daughter, I would be supporting you to end this 'relationship'

I don't understand. How does he make you happy when he doesn't help with the kids or pay any bills?

But she won't. She's clearly in an abusive relationship but she "loves him". So trust me, I've seen this in real life and on MN - she will obsess over that 2% of people whot hink she IS being unreasonable and convince herself that maybe she's just being unfair to this wanker of a man.

For goodness sake. He doesn't love you. Grow a backbone and leave

What do you love about him? What does he actually provide or bring to the relationship? He doesn't pay for anything and doesn't want to spend time with his children. Surely life would be easier without him - nothing would really change for you but at least you wouldn't feel scared or resentful.

He earns more than you but somehow cannot afford to pay his own mortgage but somehow you can, even though you pay for everything else? Wake up, OP. There is absolutely nothing to love this man for and you know it. Stop having children with him and speak to woman's aid.

You are struggling with money, engaged to someone who doesn't remotely contribute fairly, yet just had a 3rd baby.

Yeah, I know I'll be told that it's a pointless comment, but I can't get over it when I see it feature here so often.

You knew what he was like OP, you knew he was a feckless twat who never puts his hand in his pocket... Now you are here panicked and upset, wondering how you will manage it all.

No idea mate. Offloading this prince would be a start. Life would be cheaper without him!

It's financial abuse and probably other for a of abuse too. OP you need professional advice on how to get out of this relationship. If you are on the mortgage thars good. I would talk to women's aid.

How can you feel happy and safe with someone that treats you like this?

Why have a third child with someone that didn't contribute to child 1 & 2?

I think you need to get some counselling for yourself, to then hopefully realise how unacceptable this is and leave his lazy selfish arse. How you think you "love" anything about someone like this is beyond me.

How does he make you happy when he doesn't help with the kids or pay any bills?

Obviously OP will have her own response, but the vast majority of abusers get their victims to stay using a combination of fear tactics and emotional manipulation - there'll be maybe 3% of the time where he appears to be kind and thoughtful and funny and it's just enough to make the victim think that if only the victim were to try a little harder then the abuser would be nice all the time. Of course this is not true and an abuser is an abuser is an abuser and they don't change.

This sounds like financial abuse. I would have hidden the purse and told him to fuck off if he was getting the money out of it. The nasty bastard. It sounds like your money covers everything and his money is supporting his own life and building him a nest egg. I would want his name off the mortgage but I'm sure DH knows enough to make sure that doesn't happen. I would re evaluate this relationship. If you want to continue I would work out an amount to cover costs that DH can send to you each month as at the moment he is not contributing at all. Good Luck OP.

Who's name is on the mortgage that you're paying? You say everything is in your name except the mortgage. Does that mean that you're responsible for all liabilities and debts, but don't get the benefit of the only asset (the mortgage), which only you are paying off?

Holy Hell OP.

sending you huge grit - you know this isn’t love right? He doesn’t love you if he knows you’re struggling and he’s not putting his shoulder to the wheel with you. Whatever he says - love is showing up for each other and he’s not showing up for you in any way at all?

raising children is a joint endeavour in a loving family. That means both of you put in equal work and make equal sacrifice.

what is he giving up? How is he helping you? Why is he being paid more and not contributing anything at all to your shared life?

how on earth is that making you feel happy or safe? You deserve SO MUCH MORE. Your children deserve so much more. Your precious children are seeing their father treat you like this and learning that it’s normal. It ISN'T normal.

Op does he live with you full time and not pay for a single thing?

No mortgage, broadband, council tax, gas and electric, food, insurance, never mind anything for the kids?

I'm so sorry and can't believe there are people out there like him that think this is acceptable.

You are not only putting yourself at risk but you are putting your children in a very vulnerable position and at risk of homelessness.

Look at the price of rentals in the areas - and stop paying the mortgage with immediate effect.

I also don’t understand how you got to the third kid.

You aren’t even married and your name isn’t on the mortgage but you are paying everything. Clever isn’t it to get you to pay for everything but also make sure he owns the assets? Because if you leave now you are unlikely to get a penny. Why are you paying for the mortgage if your name isn’t on it?

He doesn’t love you, no-one treats someone they love like this. You may as well just pack your bags and leave. Look up sunk cost fallacy.

This is abuse @Everydayimwingingit

Why oh why do women get into these situations?

Or rather, why oh why do we raise boys into men who behave in this despicable abusive way?

Also - what a pathetic excuse of a human do you have to be to treat your family like this. I wonder what he tells his own friends and family…

OP I’m so sorry

What a deadbeat man.