Being the only one buying

[Everydayimwingingit]

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

Depends which one as one of these long term injections isn’t something that a lot of women should have as the side effects which get glossed over are dreadful and leave you with a lifetime of issues.

Honest to God, day after bloody day we see these posts from women who merrily have child after child while paying for a useless waste of space and wailing "but I lurve him".

Not married either and for Extra Stupid Bonus the mortgage is in HIS name!!!!

My credulity and sympathy is stretched too far.

You can choose to be used and abused, which the OP has, but to bring children into this shitshow is just too much.

Other women in this position surely recognise themselves and think "Fuck, better do something about this". Surely. SURELY???

I couldn't share my life with someone who wasn't willing to share their money with me. You and your children should be a lot more important to this man than his money, but it doesn't look that way.

Sounds like the house is his. He’s the higher earner, mortgage in his name, yet she accepts paying all the mortgage and bills without even the security of marriage.

unfortunately, she’ll have to leave (or get legal advice to see if she can claim any interest in the house due to the children and mortgage payments)

I feel for the OP - and hope she isn't so weirded out by this thread that she ignores it - but you do have a point. I had no idea until I started looking at MN a few months ago how many women end up with cocklodgers and how common it is. It's actually really put me off dating! And I have to say, I really cannot understand why anyone would have THREE babies with such a useless selfish deadbeat. She must have a great job and an understanding boss to be able to afford to support four kids on her own (I am including the cocklodger in that) with all the time off for maternity leave etc. How does that even work?!

It's such a weird thing to do "I'm going to redefine your AIBU and then answer that new version" 🤔

He's not going to marry her - why would he bother when she's paying for everything anyway? He won't want to potentially lose half the house that she's paid for.

This is easily solved by just not also providing sex (among all the other services) for the cocklodger.

Sorry, OP, I don't mean to sound harsh but he's an absolute loser and you need to know that.

This waste of space is a cocklodger in all but name. You have been unlucky enough to partner up with a totally selfish and mean man. He won't change.
I'd make sure he knows how much he will have to pay you in child maintenance, to support HIS children, when - not if - you split up.
I fervently hope you come to realise that you're wasting your love and your life on a man who has nothing but disrespect for you. This is not a partnership.

Safe? He gleefully watches you struggle, he intentionally takes advantage of you and lets you pay all bills. Why do you think he would actually, in any circumstances, protect you in any manner?

When you say house is not only in your name, you mean it's joint, right? Not that you are actually paying his mortgage.

YABU to have more kids with a cocklodger and think he will stop being a cocklodger when you just let him sail through life and pay for everything for him.

I bet you do all the housework, do all of the house admin and bring the kids up too. Just what does he bring to you life apart from sperm donor?

You can choose to be used and abused Domestic abuse, including financial abuse, is far more complicated than this. Certain men are very good at manipulation, threat, coercive control etc. Victim blaming is a very old fashioned approach

Start off gently.
Tell him your just buying present for the children this year.
That if he want to get gifts for anyone that is up to him.
Tell him your also not buying him any extra food, that he is part of this family and needs to pay towards his children.
When he react , say if he doesn't pay towards costs why is he even there.
See what he says.

How can you possibly love someone who treats you so disgustingly?

What the fuck did I just read. I know it's a cliche by why oh why did you have a baby with him!!!

Separate from this man. TIn the meantime, send him copies of all bills and ask for 50%. Stop buying anything for him - don’t buy any food items you buy especially for him. Do not buy his family gifts. Do not do laundry or anything for him.

Really sorry to read this, it sounds like you are in a coercive and controlling relationship. Do you have family or friends you could talk to in order to get their view on your situation.
What you have described is beyond unreasonable and unacceptable on his part. It doesn't sound as if you can or will be able to assert yourself in this relationship as it has gone on for so long.
The fact you need to even ask doesn't bode well. Please seek help and advice, I don't know what you find to love about your partner but whatever it is it does not compensate for his behaviour financially, in my opinion.

You are mad to have another DC with him when he doesn't contribute towards the DC he already has. Kick him out. Go to CMS and claim maintenance for the DC.

Lots of victim blaming on this thread. Pretty depressing to see that, in the 21st-century. I thought we'd moved on

OP, this sounds like a terrible situation for you and your children. I hope you can reach out for support e.g. Women's Aid

I'm sorry @Everydayimwingingit , but I'd like to understand how you love someone that watches you AND your children struggle and not give a shit. Do you genuinely look at him and think, there's a man I love - The kind of love I hope my children experience?

I'd suggest contacting an agency of some sort, as suggested upthread, because your switch is well and truly broken if you feel anything but repulsion for this specimen.

He's not even a man. Even if he feels nothing for you (and he doesn't), I have zero respect for the kind of reprobate that can just not care about its children ☹️.

I'm fairly sure children are for life too and pregnancy, especially multiple, also comes with health risks that can be permanent.

I'm sorry if you've been affected by something that was meant to help you but for many a 'permanent' prevention of pregnancy is, literally, a life saver.

The phrase "Having to remember the pill" was a euphemism - I actually meant "in case you aren't allowed to have the pill" as for many women that is the case and multiple pregnancies are a form of control and abuse.

Sometimes we just have to choose the best option we can, even if it isn't perfect.

How are you 3 kids in with someone who is a selfish useless arse? This didn’t happen overnight 🤦🏼‍♀️

It sounds like a coercive relationship.

The first thing you need to do is to ensure you don't get pregnant again.

Then you need to reach out to friends and family who might be able to emotionally support you and agencies like women's aid who might be able to give you practical advice.

Is there a sure start centre need you? They can be a good source of support and advice.

his attitude when I do end up asking him for help
it shouldn’t be help though op, does he get that kids need clothes? Or that presents need to be bought? What does he say? When he went to take the money from your purse were you afraid to say ‘but it’s your baby too!’