Too tired to be sociable with DD's bf

[pigalow27]

I have had a hideous weekend with my DD being really pissed off with me. Basically she was due to come home from uni for reading week on Saturday morning but late on Thursday night, she changed her tickets and came home Friday afternoon instead. I wasn't terribly bothered either way. However Friday was last day of this half term. I'm SLT and exhausted. Mostly work 60-70 hour weeks so by the end of the week (especially the end of a term or half term) I am totally exhausted and fit for nothing. The house looks like a war zone as I work all weekend also.
DD's boyfriend arrived while I was still at work. When I got back she immediately asked me to start clearing up and go and get a takeaway so he could stay and eat. I said I wasn't feeling up for this and it wasn't the plan as I hadn't really expected her til Saturday.
I ended up leaving and going to my mum's even though all I wanted was bed. I wasn't that pleased he was there within 30 mins of her arriving home but not that fussed as long as I wasn't dragged into being sociable or being forced to start clearing up and tidying after a 70 hour week!!
DD now in a bad mood with me as she says I embarrassed her and made him feel uncomfortable. AIBU?

There is a bad atmosphere because dd has never done a days work in her life and certainly can’t imagine what an 80 hour week feels like!
So her expectations do not match reality. Being a teen means she thinks the world stops when she arrives home, and the cleaning fairy and takeaway magically appears along with red carpet and champagne on ice. I am being facetious now, I am surprised that anyone could have an issue with op. I think she was being very generous agreeing to the bf in the first place! It would have been a no from us in this scenario.

‘Darling, I love seeing you, but I’m pretty disappointed you thought you could surprise turn up after I’ve had an incredibly busy month at work and as soon as I walk in the door you demand I tidy up.’
I’d leave her boyfriend out of it as that’s quite bloody rude enough in itself.

Don't take any notice, unless others have experience of what it's like to be a teacher and a senior manager in a school then they just won't get it. I'm on my own at home with twins in Year 13 so I understand completely the demands on you. Hope you've got your feet up with a cuppa. I have now but I've been cleaning all day!!! X

None of my adult children would tell me what to do in my home, another entitled spoilt young adult of this generation, entitled due to weak parents.

Ignore people trying to make you seem bad. This is 100% on your daughter. What did her last servant die of?

Even according to the OP her adult DD didn't "tell" her to do anything. Much less "order" her. She "asked" her. Depending on exactly how nicely she did this, it is a completely different thing. My similarly aged kids might well ask if we could get a takeaway on a Friday night. And I'd ask them to pick it up if it couldn't be delivered. And yes, they might ask me to clear my things so we could set the table and eat.

I'm not sure we are getting the full picture here. And leaving the house for the entire night is OTT and just downright weird unless the DD's daughter's "asking" was extreme.

Agree with this. Also can’t believe OP is happy for 85% of the thread to completely slate her DD. Lots of us have stressful busy jobs by the way.

Tell her you agree, you're working too hard and your house is a mess, so you're going part-time and won't be able to give her any money towards living expenses any more, so she has to get a job.

I'd be livid if my daughter behaved like that, OP. What was stopping her from helping you out by tidying up a bit while you were still at work?

I can see why your DD was a bit upset, but then again she had her BF straight over rather than spend the first evening catching up with you. I get that, but wouldn’t have hurt to have eaten on your laps and just apologised for the mess. Most teens probably wouldn’t even notice

I think you leaving the house gave your dd's bf a bad impression. I think your response to dd should've been along the lines of "no - I'm not doing any tidying tonight as I'm too tired. I'm sorry but I'm also too tired to go out and get the two of you a takeaway. In fact I'm exhausted. Could you please get me a takeaway?"

I think, like many MN threads, it all depends on the context. Some people clearly find it easier to imagine different contexts than others…

If you have a house with another living space it is far easier to accommodate a guest that you might not want to spend your entire evening with. It’s different if you live in a small house or flat with open plan space and limited seating. If a kind or helpful partner is on hand, they can defuse difficulties and take on some of the load. If you live in a town with restaurants nearby, it is completely different to living rurally where Uber Eats (or even Uber!) is unknown and lots of places don’t deliver at all.

It all depends doesn’t it? For what it’s worth, although leaving the house wasn’t ideal, I think on balance OP probably did the right thing to avoid a row which might have taken a long time to resolve if her DD had stropped off back to university and not visited again for some time.

@pigalow27 I was previously a teacher and remember living for those Fridays and half terms. There is a ‘performance’ exhaustion that I think is fairly unique to teaching.

I would have laughed at her. Told her to tidy up herself and maybe I would have paid for the takeaway if she went to get it but I would have retired to the sofa with mine on a tray. I would have said I've had a rough week and we can hang out tomorrow if you aren't up for just chilling with the TV tonight.

Honestly OP, I think your daughter needs a really firm conversation about exactly whose home it is.
Hopefully she will rethink landing in on you again.
She needs reminding that she lives away and your life and work continues without her.
Her attitude would really grate with me.
I think your call to go to your mothers was correct as you were exhausted.
But her maintaining a sulk over this for the whole weekend is simply not on.

I disagree with Vermeers. She's only at University. It's like a glorified boarding school really. Dd's home is still at home isn't it? Unless you really want to alienate her and put her off visiting.

Of course it’s dds home, but it’s not okay for dd to expect op to clean the house just because she has invited her boyfriend over. If she chooses to do that, she has take responsibility to clean the house and order her own takeaway. And god forbid even occasionally take her hard working mothers feelings and needs into consideration.

My home will always be my children’s home but they don’t get to order me around.

Your DD was rude, I would be so pissed off about the demanding to clean but I would be welcoming them home with open arms along with their BFs etc, just can't imagine a situation where my kids would behave that way or I would be so unwelcoming, unless we weren't very close I guess.

That’s just a really nasty post. All teens are different, and change all of the time. You can’t make an assumption like that without even knowing them!!

And more fool you if you are going to be told to clean and sort out the food and you welcome that behaviour with open arms!!

Phenomenally childish behaviour on your part, OP.

I have clearly said DDs behaviour was awful, no way would I accept that from my DC at all. I'd tell them it was out of order but I wouldn't storm off out the house. They could do their own food or clean but there is no way mine would ever expect that I would be ordered around in that way.

I wouldn't ever be bothered if I had a tough week/month at work though, I would still welcome DC and partners home, they would just have to muck in.

Maybe it’s the idea op ‘stormed out’ she didn’t say that, she said she couldn’t face cleaning or entertaining so she went to her mother’s house. No one insinuated that anyone flounced or stormed out. Incredibly some of us can speak calmly and leave without any drama.

Given dd was there a day early, and rather spend some time with her mother she decided to invite her bf over instead, therefore heaping more pressure on op. It was no doubt too much for op as she was exhausted.

My dc can bring anyone back by arrangement, but I wouldn’t be cleaning and entertaining anyone either after a 70 hour week! Thst doesn’t change the fact I am sure op loved seeing her dd, however briefly before bf arrived…

And they certainly didn’t ’muck in’…

They should have though, that's not on.

Sorry but leaving because you are not happy with your DD is not really calm behaviour, its a strange dynamic IMO, you don't have to agree with me, we are all allowed opinions, I assume that is why the OP has posted.

I support anyone deciding to leave if they are totally exhausted and have unwanted guests. I find it odd that you so readily disregard ops well being so casually! Do her needs not matter at all?!

Honestly, I think the whole thing is way too dramatic. I find it odd that you keep replying to insist I am wrong, its just an opinion. And unwanted guests, its her DD and BF, my DC and GF/BF are welcome in my house at any time. They do not get to demand that I clean etc but I would never not be happy for them to be there, and believe me, I know what this is like the extreme, not just a fleeting visit for a weekend when they don't even live with me full time.

……

Op doesn’t even know the boyfriend….

DD wants op to clean the house to impress her boyfriend. And organise dinner.
Why would anyone be happy with this?! Genuinely some self respect is needed here, We are still role models for our older children… that doesn’t stop.