Too tired to be sociable with DD's bf

[pigalow27]

I have had a hideous weekend with my DD being really pissed off with me. Basically she was due to come home from uni for reading week on Saturday morning but late on Thursday night, she changed her tickets and came home Friday afternoon instead. I wasn't terribly bothered either way. However Friday was last day of this half term. I'm SLT and exhausted. Mostly work 60-70 hour weeks so by the end of the week (especially the end of a term or half term) I am totally exhausted and fit for nothing. The house looks like a war zone as I work all weekend also.
DD's boyfriend arrived while I was still at work. When I got back she immediately asked me to start clearing up and go and get a takeaway so he could stay and eat. I said I wasn't feeling up for this and it wasn't the plan as I hadn't really expected her til Saturday.
I ended up leaving and going to my mum's even though all I wanted was bed. I wasn't that pleased he was there within 30 mins of her arriving home but not that fussed as long as I wasn't dragged into being sociable or being forced to start clearing up and tidying after a 70 hour week!!
DD now in a bad mood with me as she says I embarrassed her and made him feel uncomfortable. AIBU?

Why did your daughter not crack on with the tidying up? Just rude of her to tell you to tidy up!!
If I'm late home or whatever always mine have tea on the table for me AND a tidy kitchen, eldest particularly like an immaculate kitchen.

you both sound as bad as each other! you clearly were not bothered if you saw your DD or not, and she clearly has no respect for you or her home!

you are sending a great message to her as you then pissed off to your mothers! the pair of you sound petty and childish.

my children were always welcome when they came back from uni, i didn't make any special efforts re the house, we worked on a theory as this is how it is, take it or leave it.

I don't understand your dynamic. I wouldn't dream of speaking to my mum in that way. Is this a reverse? Why are you so allowing of this and apathetic? It's your house and you are sulking off to your mums like a teenager after getting a telling off from your daughter. Start establishing some boundaries and give your head a wobble.

This is MN and some people will post just you give you a kick in. If you'd said you'd obliged dd you be a mug, if you didn't your rude, if you pleased yourself your selfish so you can't ein with those type of posters.

Your dd was sat on her bum waiting for you to come from work to order you about to do things her grown arse could do. I'd point that out to her. Say if she can't make up bf bed and you have do it, she needs to give you warning and wait for agreement like its,a play date. Mummy can make it wonderful. But only if mummy CAN make the beds, tidy up, order food in time. She wants you to be mummy so she can be the little child. She won't like that either.

My uni age son is pretty much the same. I'm hoping it's a teen brain thing and there's still a chance they might grow out of it. I could tip toe and pushy foot around him, or argue, but like you I'd rather avoid as I can't win.

It's not you.

It's dd

Or made it clear to her daughter that she is not her slave and she can tidy up and order a takeaway herself.

@Brefugee - yes I do tend to mention it when I see it. Many Mumsnetters find it irritating - there have been plenty of entire threads devoted to the topic!

@LindorDoubleChoc - I suspect @Brefugee doesn't know that you can use the @ symbol to select which poster they want to direct a reply to.

Yanbu. It is dd's home and she can come and go but she also can pitch in and shouldnt expect it to be guest ready.

Lovely if she invites you to join them for takeaway (and fine for you to say no thanks) Absolutely not acceptable to expect you get takeaway and tidy up.

She is young and it can be a thoughtless age so a calm convesation tomorrow and hopefully you can manage her expectations, and set your own. Ie if boyfriend coming over and house untidy have a quick tidy up.

DD's boyfriend arrived while I was still at work. When I got back she immediately asked me to start clearing up and go and get a takeaway so he could stay and eat. I said I wasn't feeling up for this and it wasn't the plan as I hadn't really expected her til Saturday.

She asked you to start cleaning up and go and get a take away? Does she not have hands and legs, and know where the cleaning stuff lives? Or a takeaway app on her phone? She would have got a kick up the arse if she was mine

My dd has the clean and tidy gene and she is much more organised than me. So if she'd been away at Uni for weeks, none of the mess in the house would have been hers and I would indeed tidy up for her if I had notice. Maybe it's the same in OP's house? As I said, however, I wouldn't be told to order a takeaway by anyone! There's stropping on both sides here, it could be seen as rude to not be friendly and welcoming to your child's boyfriend or girlfriend. They haven't done anything wrong.

@Boymum2104

no, she hasn’t, she has just made it clear to her daughter that she won’t be ordered around by her and that she deserves to relax after a hard week at work! What is so wrong about that?!

Why couldn't she tidy herself?

I think it was odd to send her boyfriend round before she came home unless you know one another very well.

You both need to have a sit down and a heart to heart about communication and notice and agree what is acceptable and acknowledge one another's feelings now it's hopefully less fraught in half term.

Thank you @Backtoblack1 and @IncessantNameChanger for understanding. I am laughing in a sarcastic and maniacal way at posters who seem to think an SLT job in a huge comp is compatible with 'getting everything ready for her' to visit home. The last week was a debate every morning between 5 more minutes in bed at 5.30 am or having time to comb hair for work!!

I have a uni age dd, and it’s tricky! They keep changing their plans and expect everyone to adapt around it - this year we have had to be clear we need more notice if she wants the fridge stocked with vegan food and needs a lift from the station etc.

We used to roll out the red carpet at first, but now she comes home has dinner with us and slots back in, and pitches in.

Your situation would infuriate me. It’s enough that she is bringing back the bf (so not coming to see you clearly!) and when you are exhausted it’s not really fair to impose other people on you at home. I would have said no unless we knew him well and he could slot in. I certainly wouldn’t entertain the idea of hosting!!!!!

If she wants to formally introduce a boyfriend, with a clean organised home and for you to host them, it needs to be arranged at a time that works well for you. Springing this on you is selfish behaviour, whether she is aware of that or not.

I would have said a flat no to the bf so you are much more obliging than me!!

I have an exhausting life too, and honestly in some ways it’s even harder now than it used to be - with plans changing constantly. I preferred the routine of the school years.

I agree. Apples don't fall far from trees, OP.

@Savingthehedgehogs 😔Yes I agree. Trying to keep up with ever changing plans and schedules is tough.

@rainfallpurevividcat The bf arrived after her. I think the order of events was: DD arrived at station about 3 and got a taxi home. BF drove himself to ours to see her at about 4-4.30. She texted me after work at about 5 to ask when I was home. I said not sure as catching up on admin and parental phone calls before half term. She said ' No rush. Not on own. Bf here. lol.' I arrived home about 6.30 I think to scenario about sitting room, dining table, takeaway as described in my OP

I think some posters are just being unkind on here.

When I am dog tired I simply don’t have the energy to talk, I would have done the same as op. At least then dd could relax with her bf, and op does not need to stand on ceremony. Op didn’t flounce, there is a world of difference.

I think many of you don’t work and are not aware of how exhaustion feels - we work 80 hour weeks and unless you know how it feels to do that on a regular basis then you can’t possibly know how hard it can be.

You have my sympathy op. Your dd arrived a day early, you had nothing ready and was extremely exhausted - of course you are not going to relish the idea of cleaning and entertaining her boyfriend!!!! YADDDNBU.

Your daughter is treating your house like a hotel.

@latenitewine

would you have ordered your mum to clean up and order you and your bf a takeaway though?

Yes and her mother like housekeeping ordering her about.
Cheeky mare.
I certainly wouldn't tolerate it and would tell her to book a hotel that will supply the service she expects.🙄

I totally get you.

When you've been working your backside off and the thought of a calm Friday evening is all that's keeping you going, walking into a demanding DD, and an unexpected visitor is just taking everything over the top. I totally understand needing to get out of there ASAP, or the resulting argument would be of biblical proportions. Not ideal but the best of some shitty options.

Both a bit unreasonable.

She was unreasonable to ask you to tidy up etc when you were knackered off your face from a stressful first half of term.

couldn’t you have said “I’m beyond exhausted and sorry that I’m too tired to tidy/cook/chat, but please do get a takeaway and have a nice evening?”

I don’t understand the need for a bad atmosphere over this.