Too tired to be sociable with DD's bf

[pigalow27]

I have had a hideous weekend with my DD being really pissed off with me. Basically she was due to come home from uni for reading week on Saturday morning but late on Thursday night, she changed her tickets and came home Friday afternoon instead. I wasn't terribly bothered either way. However Friday was last day of this half term. I'm SLT and exhausted. Mostly work 60-70 hour weeks so by the end of the week (especially the end of a term or half term) I am totally exhausted and fit for nothing. The house looks like a war zone as I work all weekend also.
DD's boyfriend arrived while I was still at work. When I got back she immediately asked me to start clearing up and go and get a takeaway so he could stay and eat. I said I wasn't feeling up for this and it wasn't the plan as I hadn't really expected her til Saturday.
I ended up leaving and going to my mum's even though all I wanted was bed. I wasn't that pleased he was there within 30 mins of her arriving home but not that fussed as long as I wasn't dragged into being sociable or being forced to start clearing up and tidying after a 70 hour week!!
DD now in a bad mood with me as she says I embarrassed her and made him feel uncomfortable. AIBU?

Absolutely not. I was barely able to utter a sentence by 3.30pm on Friday! Do not feel bad. Self care is essential, especially in the job we do as we spend most of our days looking after others.

I hope you are feeling more relaxed this morning and that you enjoy your half term. The winter term especially is a hard slog x

On the first day of her daughter's return from uni, she took herself away from the house!

because you - golden child! at uni! - had come back then started ordering her around? no.

OP did exactly the right thing and maybe the DD will think about what she did.

What are you talking about with your golden child nonsense? Stropping off in a huff isn't the way to deal with things, and does cause offence.

did OP then immediately demand her mum tidy up, order takeaway and then spring a random boyfriend on her?

how many in the #TeamDD camp have adult children at uni?

@Brefugee - please don't quote the OP when replying! It's obvious who you are replying to. It just makes the threads stupidly long.

Do you go to your mum's and spring a boyfriend on her on her last day at work, order her to clear up and then get a takeaway?

The sheer audacity of this is breathtaking and ANYONE who thinks it's ok is or has been That Daughter.

Aside of the fact neither of my DDs would have done such a thing, i think OP was fairly restrained because my temptation would have been to tell DD to go away and come back when she could behave properly.

I was in the Army, and boarding school, i was well aware that while i was away life went on. My routine was to go in, ask everyone how they were, if i could use the washing machine and that I'd be leaving on x date. Then I'd make us all a cup of tea.

don't order me around.
on a fast moving thread it isn't always obvious who is answering who.

I have a pretty messy house and young adult kids who come home with little notice with boyfriends/girlfriends in tow.

I would have laughed in DD's face at the takeaway comment, said "yeah it is a bit untidy but I've had a very busy week, he'll just have to take us as he finds us!" and not stropped off anywhere. You haven't come out of this well.

I'm not ordering you around, I'm asking nicely. There's 84 replies on this thread, imagine if we'd all quoted the OP.

I can't understand how family would not have the courtesy to have a conversation and ensure that a change of plans was okay. I don't think this means DD would be unwelcome, just that she's an adult who needs to consider other people.

She was very rude to tell you to clean/order a takeaway, I’d have told her to shove off and do it herself. If someone had told me I had to be sociable on the first night of my holiday, I’d have cried! Could she not have just come home and ordered online/had one night at home without the bf?

OPs mother is retired so, assuming she's not involved in a high stress hobby that consumes 60-70 hours of her time per week, probably has time and energy to keep on top of housework most of the time. OPs situation is different.

OP I get it. Just speak to DD and explain you're really happy she's home, also a day early, your reaction was because of pure exhaustion. You'd counted on the extra time so you could have more energy and give her a nice welcome back and tidy up a little. You were so exhausted though that socially you were wiped out. You love her and really didn't want to argue, which you were worried would happen, because you were exhausted, so you went to your mum's to avoid that. You weren't trying to embarrass her, you basically just needed a hug and a bit of tv/sleep and then you'd be "human" again. Let her know she's ALWAYS welcome, but at the end of terms/half terms you'll be exhausted. And I'd add that she could have organised the take out without ordering you to do it.

She's not going to understand you 100%, but giving an open explanation, with some soft, loving bits in there, will go a long way to making sure this doesn't happen again. It'll also confirm she's welcome but you have boundaries. And if done kindly, should help repair whatever is damaged.

And to be very clear, that's an approach of trying your have open communication, love and also boundaries. I'd have been so bloody angry I myself may have said something I shouldn't! But the goal now is to clear the air and reset and lead by example.

If she orders you around again, I'd either give her short shrift, or turn it into a joke "Lol - sounds like you're looking for a maid, not a mother" and definitely not do whatever you've been told to.

yes, you are the thread police and we'll all obey.

There are plenty of quoted posts. I hope you're going through all of them with your Thread Police hat on.🙄

Your relationship with your own daughter clearly has a back story as it is dysfunctional. I can’t imagine being not that bothered when mine is coming, home, I’m excited, and have everything ready.

I do wonder if she did order you as you make out or politely asked for it to be tidied as as no food can they get a takeaway.

curiously you seem to have a better relationship with your mother, than your own daughter has with you.

If there’s one thing entitled teens and twenties can usually manage, it’s ordering a takeaway!
I would have been very tight-lipped in the same circumstances, op. I would probably have said something to make leaving the house socially acceptable - ‘lovely to see you both (I’d have gushed). so sorry to leave you to it, but I’d already promised to go over to Grandma’s.’ Then I’d have fumed furiously about it all on the way over there! YANBU, but my conditioning would have made me cover it up You were being honest.

Yes, but the daughter was hardly super excited to spend time with her mum - boyfriend over after 30 minutes of being back before mum had got home and expecting her to clean and source food for them both? Bit selfish and not very thoughtful. I remember coming back from uni excited to see mum - and making plans to see friends later. Don't get the arguments defending your daughter. YANBU

I think it depends entirely on how this was said, rather than how it was received. If she was happy to be home and said to OP:

Should we get a take-away tonight? If you take your things off the dining table we can all sit there and eat together.

Vs.

Mum, you really need to clean this place tonight and then you can go out and get us all a take-away.

I can see how a stressed and tired brain would take example 1 to sound like example 2.

Who has voted YABU OP… and why?!

the daughter could have cleared up and got a takeaway. Ordering her mother to do it all is so entitled it’s unreal - I honestly wouldn’t have dared!

How about 'I'll clear the table and order us all a takeaway' from the daughter? As I said up thread, she could have done this herself. It's her home, what stops her tidying up?

@Dragonflysparkles

having a good relationship with your offspring doesn’t mean letting them order you around and being treat like a doormat. Nothing dysfunctional about not being a doormat - quite the opposite in fact, it’s healthy and more women should try it!

Obviously she shouldn't have asked you to clear up and get a takeaway. Did she really do this? Or did she just suggest having a takeaway together as an easy option to save anyone having to cook.

On the other hand, going off to your mum's sounds excessive and petulant. All you needed to do was say "lovely to see you both but I'm really tired, so I'm afraid you are going to have to fend for yourselves this evening and we'll chat tomorrow" and just settle yourself in front of the tv for the evening, or whatever you were planning.

Yes, she could have but as a student she might not be able to afford it and she might not know where the things on the table should go or what's rubbish and what's not. But I do agree that that would have been a better approach but teens aren't always super considerate and if she did say it the way of the first example then I think OP hugely overreacted by walking out on her to go and stay elsewhere. If she said it in a more demanding and degrading way then I don't think she overreacted.

I think the OP is deeply unreasonable not to have told her daughter to tidy up and she’d order takeaway when she’d had a bath and decompressed for an hour solo after a long half term. Running off to her mother’s is a bit ridiculous.

@PinkBlouse

op is a grown woman she can do what she wants 🤷‍♀️