Too tired to be sociable with DD's bf

[pigalow27]

I have had a hideous weekend with my DD being really pissed off with me. Basically she was due to come home from uni for reading week on Saturday morning but late on Thursday night, she changed her tickets and came home Friday afternoon instead. I wasn't terribly bothered either way. However Friday was last day of this half term. I'm SLT and exhausted. Mostly work 60-70 hour weeks so by the end of the week (especially the end of a term or half term) I am totally exhausted and fit for nothing. The house looks like a war zone as I work all weekend also.
DD's boyfriend arrived while I was still at work. When I got back she immediately asked me to start clearing up and go and get a takeaway so he could stay and eat. I said I wasn't feeling up for this and it wasn't the plan as I hadn't really expected her til Saturday.
I ended up leaving and going to my mum's even though all I wanted was bed. I wasn't that pleased he was there within 30 mins of her arriving home but not that fussed as long as I wasn't dragged into being sociable or being forced to start clearing up and tidying after a 70 hour week!!
DD now in a bad mood with me as she says I embarrassed her and made him feel uncomfortable. AIBU?

Presumably though the OP didn’t demand her mum tidy and go to get a takeaway. That’s the issue.

@pigalow27 as she’s old enough and intelligent enough to go to uni, I’d hazard a guess she could have done both of those things herself. Time for her to grow up a bit.

I think it was a poor show, yes. Absolutely no need to dash about tidying the house, and I get that you’re tired, but yes, rushing out of your own house to hide at your mother’s when a daughter you presumably hadn’t seen in a while is home for a weekend is wet. It sounds as if you need to reconfigure your worklife balance if you’re regularly working hours that don’t allow you to function normally around family.

I see that you were not expecting the boyfriend on Friday. Were you expecting him on Saturday before your daughter changed her plans? Was his arrival totally unexpected, or did you expect him at some point?

I think in future, tell your daughter not to have him around if you need your own space. I find guests very draining too.

I hadn't really thought when her bf would be there. Thought he might come round for them to go out either Friday or Saturday. Hadn't really considered the need to sit and host him after the most exhausting 8 weeks imaginable

She's really rude ! What's wrong with her tidying up and getting her own bloody takeaway

Does he live nearby then, or was he going to stay the night? If he was going to spend the night, did she warn you of this in advance?

She should have told you beforehand if she wanted the 3 of you to sit and have a sociable meal. It's unreasonable to spring that on anyone.

I’m assuming (fellow teacher here) that what she wanted you to tidy away was paperwork etc on the dining table; and that maybe if she did it she might mix things up / not put them where you wanted?
I empathise with you. I’m also assuming (maybe wrongly?) that you are on your own, and you have has a massive period of adjustment this half term if this is your DD first year at uni. Maybe you’ve been working those 70+ hours because suddenly you ‘can’ (I know in teaching you can never get everything done). So I can see it’s hard. And you’re knackered and you wanted to get your game face back on for her on Saturday.
However, I can see from her perspective too. When my DD went off to uni, home was the place she could come back to just be ‘her’ again. She loved uni but she described it as having to be ‘on’ all the time; friendships which of course won’t last forever but feel like it at the time are made (or not made) immediately and everyone feels untethered and unsure. It probably never occurred to her that she wasn’t always just welcome. It’s her home. And how terrifying to feel that you are not welcome. Where do you belong then?
The boyfriend thing and takeaway thing was tactless; you going out was an over reaction.
However, assuming there is not a huge backstory where you’ve hated each other for years, this is all solvable. Sit down, give her a hug, say it is lovely to see her and start again. And I know what an 8 week term is like but make sure you are looking after yourself. Just because you can work 18 hours a day doesn’t mean you should.

No she didn’t. What utter tripe

Why is she so rude to you? Are you her maid to have to tidy up? Awful entitled behaviour from her.

Why would OP need to host DD's BF? DD was the one who changed the agenda by arriving early and then bringing her BF into the house. I wouldn't have gone out though (that did seem a bit rude) But I get that OP wasn't up to it after a hectic school term.
AC's and other guests are always welcome at our home but they take us as they find us!! I remember my Dad staying with us when we were in the middle of renovating our house. Half the ceilings were down and we were in total chaos - he just took it in his stride when he was with us.
But I do understand that everyone is different - some people don't want visitors without prior arrangements being made - but we always maintain that people come to see us not the house!!

I think you need to communicate with your daughter and set clear boundaries. If it's too much that she has her boyfriend over and you just want to be yourself, then they need to go somewhere else. Its your home. My parents would never have tolerated overnight boyfriend/girlfriend stays.

Absolutely this.

I wouldn't ever dare (even as an adult) speak to and dictate to my mother, the way your daughter has spoken to you. And that's saying something because I was a complete shit at times.

Why an (at least) 18 year old thinks she can waltz into your home after being away at Uni and start ordering you about, I've no idea - but there must have been a precedent set here.

If I came back 'home' or visited my mothers home, started nagging her and ordering her about, to the point she left her own home just to feel comfortable herself, I'd be absolutely mortified and feel really bad.

Lets be honest OP, it's not a DD'S boyfriend problem you have, it's a DD problem.

She wants to stop that bossing people around rubbish, not many people will want to be around her if she carries on, never mind her own mother.

Why did her boyfriend need to come round as soon as she was at yours? Can she not cope a night with her mum, without him?

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant and tedious, and I'm not surprised you scarpered. Sounds like she needs to grow up, fast. Next time OP, try and stay put and tell her to go stay somewhere else she feels comfortable, because you're not comfortable with her behaviour.

Yeah, this. There shouldn't be anything wrong with him being there, but if she isn't happy with how the house looks, SHE can change it. And again, if she isn't happy with the food you have in, SHE can order a takeaway for the pair of them. As she's an university, she is an adult, and can certainly do both of these things.

Going to your mum's might have been a bit far on your part, but as someone with a very limited social battery regardless of whether I've had a hard day or not, I do completely sympathise.

@pigalow27 When I got back she immediately asked me to start clearing up and go and get a takeaway so he could stay and eat.

Sorry... DD is university age but doesn't know how to order fast food?

Your poor daughter looking forward to coming home, even arranging to come back earlier to see you. And she comes back to a bomb site and you apparently not caring if she's there or not, and then preferring she's not and leaving her to it - and leaving her to clear up/cope with all your weeks of mess from the sounds of it.

Plenty of us work 70-100 hour weeks as standard and look forward to our kids coming back from uni.

‘Arranging to come back earlier to see [her mother]’ my arse. She came back early to see the bloody boyfriend.
Team OP (how can you tell?)

Why would it be upsetting? She had her boyfriend visiting, she was hardly sitting at home pining for her mother. Also, who was it did the original upsetting? DD with her ridiculous demands that her mum tidy up and order takeaways, both of which she was quite capable of doing herself. No wonder there are some entitled kids with parents with an attitude like yours.

She was very rude and I understand why you wouldn't want to stay around after she behaved like that. I hope the bf was embarrassed by her.

Why? Would you have expected your parents to freeze their home as you left it and not live their own lives? Would you have had so little understanding for their own feelings if they were exhausted? At the age of 18+?
The girl arrived home a day early with minimal notice, invited an unexpected guest and then demanded her mum make her own house presentable and feed the 2 unexpected guests with no recognition of this on top of op's job/exhaustion. That's just selfish and disrespectful.
Nowhere has op said she wasn't looking forward to seeing her dd or that she wasn't welcome. Dd was due the next day, she changed the plans.

100% agree with @Nocameltoeleggingsplease. Can see both yours and your DD’s perspective. It’s still (semi) her home too. She shouldn’t’ve bossed you about, though. My kids come and go like housemates. They have mates/gfs over. But they have to take me as they find me: mess, stress and often crashed out in my room or smoking, wine in hand, at the back door. If they told me to tidy up and order food, I’d laugh with bemusement. Though I make dinner most eves for whoever’s here anyway. But I ain’t taking orders. Hope you kiss and make up. Big adjustment for you both.

Yes she was rude. But, "The house looks like a war zone ". How bad was it? Why was it so bad and why hadn't you prepped in the weeks leading up? You already knew she was coming, on the Saturday. Then it changed to Friday.

YABU

This really stood out to me: I wasn't terribly bothered either way

It's strange that your daughter doesn't know your routine. Eg exhausted on the last day of term and the house will be a tip but will sort itself out over the next few days/ week.
Like others I would have said to her I'm so glad you are coming home early. (Assumed she knew house would be a tip) then when she said bf was coming text her to say ok but as you know the house will be a mess as end of term.
With the take away did she want you to order it as she was short of money at the end of term? My youngest son sometimes orders at restaurants for us when you have to order on apps as I find it so annoying and can't be bothered but he uses my card to pay for it because I'm an adult and he earns a small amount from a part time job. So for a uni student she might not want to have to order a take away at home as they usually don't have to pay for food when they are at home. So she might have ordered it if you said here is my card.
So I personally would have ordered a take away/ got them to order a take away but paid for it myself and fed them but said a flat out no about the tidying. Do you have the sort of house where you could just sit on the floor in a rug in the lounge? Or sit on the sofa and get a pizza.
My eldest is away in the military and I do always feed him even if he comes home unexpectedly but it might be chicken burgers and chips from the freezer. I do it because I know how unwelcoming it is to come home to no food in the house. As she arrived unexpectedly it was difficult and not your fault but could you not have just ordered Uber eats? I know not everyone can if they are rural.
I would say to her today I'm sorry for going to grans. I did really want to see you but I was so exhausted (as you know I usually am at the end of term) so I didn't have the energy to start tidying up.
Sympathies about how hard teaching and especially SLT is. Family members and friends do both and they are literally too tired to do any jobs. Eg a mobile phone broke and my family member just had to wait til the summer holidays to sort out a new one. So minimal effort if you can eg make the daughter order the take away but offer to pay (if you can) as a
Sweetener. Or get some easy freezer stuff in. I don't like feeding teenagers frozen burgers or whatever but in this sort of situation it's sometimes the easiest thing.

I'm from the generation where I would not have DREAMED of ordering my mother in this way. The entitled little madam deserved her mother's response (though mine would have been somewhat more direct in her response!).