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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too tired to be sociable with DD's bf

204 replies

pigalow27 · 27/10/2024 20:55

I have had a hideous weekend with my DD being really pissed off with me. Basically she was due to come home from uni for reading week on Saturday morning but late on Thursday night, she changed her tickets and came home Friday afternoon instead. I wasn't terribly bothered either way. However Friday was last day of this half term. I'm SLT and exhausted. Mostly work 60-70 hour weeks so by the end of the week (especially the end of a term or half term) I am totally exhausted and fit for nothing. The house looks like a war zone as I work all weekend also.
DD's boyfriend arrived while I was still at work. When I got back she immediately asked me to start clearing up and go and get a takeaway so he could stay and eat. I said I wasn't feeling up for this and it wasn't the plan as I hadn't really expected her til Saturday.
I ended up leaving and going to my mum's even though all I wanted was bed. I wasn't that pleased he was there within 30 mins of her arriving home but not that fussed as long as I wasn't dragged into being sociable or being forced to start clearing up and tidying after a 70 hour week!!
DD now in a bad mood with me as she says I embarrassed her and made him feel uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:
JamTartLover · 27/10/2024 21:44

My mum is a teacher and there is no way we would expect my mum to clean up on the last day, knowing how tired she would be.

Your DD should have cleaned or should have invited her BF the next day once the house was cleaner (if she was worried about him being judgemental about the cleanliness of the home).

MasterBeth · 27/10/2024 21:47

pigalow27 · 27/10/2024 21:06

Is it rude to just want peace and quiet and some downtime alone after a stressful week at work?

No, but it's rude to not welcome your daughter back from uni and to not make an effort with her friend, to the extent that you leave the house for the night!

kkloo · 27/10/2024 21:48

Redplenty · 27/10/2024 21:10

I'd find it rude if my mum left the house and stayed elsewhere just because I had come back, yes. That said, she was also rude.

Show quote history

It wasn't just because she had come back though was it?
The daughter also brought the boyfriend back.
And then the daughter told the OP to start cleaning up.

Owly11 · 27/10/2024 21:48

You both sound kind of rude and unempathic to each other - but leaving the house is next level. There must be some kind of backstory to this, surely.

Park24 · 27/10/2024 21:50

I can see how she was embarrassed - most children even adult children feel welcome in the family home and wouldn't necessarily think it was an imposition to come a day early.

I would have said to her it's great she's back but I'm still working and ask her to have a quick tidy up and order a takeaway. You didn't need to escalate it by flouncing to your mum.

Was your mum "ready for you"? You can land on her but your daughter can't land on you? I'd be interested to know how much socialising your DD expected you to do with her boyfriend. It all seems a bit cold of you haven't seen her for a while.

OverthinkingOlive · 27/10/2024 21:51

You're her Mum. If she knows how busy and tired you are she should have started cleaning up, ordered her own bloody takeaway and asked if you were hungry also!!

Boymum2104 · 27/10/2024 22:01

You've just made it very clear to your daughter you don't look forward to seeing her/ her coming home 🫣

Franjipanl8r · 27/10/2024 22:09

You’ve been a bit weird walking out and staying somewhere else, that would have been pretty embarrassing for your DD in front of her boyfriend. You could have just gone to your room and left DD to tidy and order you in some food as well.

anxioussister · 27/10/2024 22:19

I think this could have been much better managed with a kind but firm boundary setting conversation. She might be away at uni and technically an adult - bur so often returning students need to regress a bit when they get home after all the being-grown-up for the first time away. You probably need to be the adult here…

‘Darling, I love you, and you’re always always welcome - but please accept that I’m shattered on Friday nights and need to decompress. I didn’t know you were coming this evening, I haven’t planned or prepped anything - please make yourself at home + grab a takeaway. I love you, I’ll see you in the morning’ - and then take yourself off to bed with a mug of tea’

or something.

I get being exhausted and taken aback. I do think that you need to be the parent here though. Sorry you had a shitty weekend!

Ilovelurchers · 27/10/2024 22:21

Like others have said, it is a bit strange on both sides - surprised you weren't more pleased to see her a bit sooner - are you not that close?

I do get the annoyance at being unexpectedly expected to entertain however. My dd is welcome to have friends over any time as long as she does the hosting but I would want warning if she expected me to formally "host" them in any way.

But the thing about her ordering you to clean up and fetch a takeaway - that is shocking. Did she honestly put it as an order?

When you say ordering you to tidy up - what degree of tidying did she want? Do you have paperwork out that she couldn't very well move off the table for fear of messing up how you had organised it? If so, moving it is a 3 minute job surely? Not worth falling out over.

Is there nowhere that delivers takeaway to you?

Lanzar · 27/10/2024 22:22

Is this her first time back home in first year of uni? Had you seen her since Sept?

This is the sort of thing my DD would do - shes also demanding and entitled - I call her out but it ruffles my feathers.

I expect the BF didnt notice the house and was glad you disappeared as was probs gagging for a shag...

Noseybookworm · 27/10/2024 22:22

Wouldn't it have been fine to tell DD to order a takeaway and that you're absolutely knackered and going for a long bath and a lie down? I don't think I'd have left my own house, I'd be happy to take myself off upstairs to read and rest! Was it the fact that you left that made her think you were being rude?

5128gap · 27/10/2024 22:24

If your DD wants her BF to be treated like a guest of honour with an immaculate house and a meal provided, she needs to give notice, ask if it's convenient and help with the organising. If she prefers to be able to bring people home as and when knowing they'll be welcome then it's take you as they find you.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 27/10/2024 22:35

Coming home to a house that looks like a warzone can come across as being unwelcoming.

Did you know the boyfriend was coming, or was that sprung on you?

If I was in your shoes, I'd have told my daughter before she arrived that the house was upside down as you hadn't time to tidy. That way, it's not a shock.

I dont think she should have ordered you to get them a takeaway.

Original poster
pigalow27 · 27/10/2024 22:37

BoundaryGirl3939 · 27/10/2024 22:35

Coming home to a house that looks like a warzone can come across as being unwelcoming.

Did you know the boyfriend was coming, or was that sprung on you?

If I was in your shoes, I'd have told my daughter before she arrived that the house was upside down as you hadn't time to tidy. That way, it's not a shock.

I dont think she should have ordered you to get them a takeaway.

The whole thing was sprung on me. Found out she was coming Friday afternoon not Saturday at about quarter to midnight Thursday night; then left for work at 7 am and got a text about 4pm on Friday saying bf was coming round as she'd told him she had just got back.

OP posts:
JMSA · 27/10/2024 22:40

I get it, OP. You did nothing wrong. Possibly not ideal if it was your first time meeting the lad, but I can totally relate to the tiredness you describe!

latenitewine · 27/10/2024 22:41

Boymum2104 · 27/10/2024 22:01

You've just made it very clear to your daughter you don't look forward to seeing her/ her coming home 🫣

This. This would have really upset me when I was at uni.

JMSA · 27/10/2024 22:42

I must admit though, I don't understand why you didn't just take yourself off to your bedroom!

BoundaryGirl3939 · 27/10/2024 22:43

pigalow27 · 27/10/2024 22:37

The whole thing was sprung on me. Found out she was coming Friday afternoon not Saturday at about quarter to midnight Thursday night; then left for work at 7 am and got a text about 4pm on Friday saying bf was coming round as she'd told him she had just got back.

Show quote history

She shouldn't have sprung that on you in that case. Why did she invite the boyfriend over if the place was in a tip, or was he on his way at that stage?

I'm a bit old fashioned and don't think it's right for young adults to encourage their boyf/girlfriend to make themselves at home in a dwelling that doesn't belong to them. I'd feel uncomfortable making small talk in my own home too.

TenWeeCaramelJoeys · 27/10/2024 22:45

I genuinely don't understand why anyone thinks the OP was rude.

latenitewine · 27/10/2024 22:45

Also I agree with the other poster - you arrived at your mums unannounced/with very little warning, but you don’t feel like your daughter can do that to you with 12 hours notice? That just seems kind of sad.

MrsPeterHarris · 27/10/2024 22:47

TenWeeCaramelJoeys · 27/10/2024 22:45

I genuinely don't understand why anyone thinks the OP was rude.

Me neither! The DD was incredibly rude & disrespectful to her busy / hardworking mum.

Original poster
pigalow27 · 27/10/2024 22:48

latenitewine · 27/10/2024 22:45

Also I agree with the other poster - you arrived at your mums unannounced/with very little warning, but you don’t feel like your daughter can do that to you with 12 hours notice? That just seems kind of sad.

My mum is retired and I phoned her to ask if I could come round and watch tv at hers

OP posts:
BoundaryGirl3939 · 27/10/2024 22:49

latenitewine · 27/10/2024 22:45

Also I agree with the other poster - you arrived at your mums unannounced/with very little warning, but you don’t feel like your daughter can do that to you with 12 hours notice? That just seems kind of sad.

I wonder was it more the boyfriend that was the last straw after a stressful week? It's easy to chit chat to only your mother/daughter. When you bring an unknown guest into the equation, some people just don't have the tolerance on a Friday night.

Original poster
pigalow27 · 27/10/2024 22:50

Was definitely the thought of the bf and having to clear dining table to sit round and have a 'sociable' takeaway together

OP posts: