To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

[BeGladHedgehog]

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

Could they stay a bit longer so that they're not as tired going back?

Would you do as they tell you at your age op?

I think if your df is in good health and a safe driver then it’s fine. Not everyone reaches 80 odd and suddenly becomes unsafe to drive. My ex in laws are 85 and drive everywhere. They’re as fit and with it as others 20 years younger. Also, a lot of people would find taking the train a lot more stressful and difficult than driving - I have health issues (I’m 44) and there’s no way I’d want to go on a long train journey anywhere.

She's concerned, I would be too !

Taxi firm or Uber as one off? Our local taxi firm does special rates. Worth a call? Split costs with them/sibling? Dress up as treat?

Is he a capable driver? If so, what's the problem? And will there even be trains running?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to drive 200 miles in one day but I do think Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are not the best days to do it. Could they stay a bit longer?

You can only suggest to them that the train is a better option. They are adults and should be allowed to make an adult choice as such.

I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train.

Oh no this is a massive step too far.

I understand your concerns but this is too controlling. If he's happy and confident enough to drive, then as an adult that's entirely his decision.

I can think of at least 2 or 3 people around his age who are still great drivers.

No YANBU at all. It's a long distance to travel for anyone. Weather conditions might be bad heavy traffic especially Xmas Eve. I'd be feeling exactly like you OP.

Impossible to say. My DF needed a care home in his later 60's. My grandparents were completely independent well into their 90's.

My gran is a similar age, she drives to us (nearly 3 hours) she also drives further to go on holiday with her friend (grandpa passed away and after several years of a caring role she's living her life). She's fit and well, she's not in a hurry so takes her time and stops if necessary, she's very active does yoga, walking group, choir, historical society , theatre etc. If anyone told her what to do she'd tell you to get stuffed.

Well you can be concerned but unless there is some back story about him being incapable etc etc, then you shouldn't really be telling adults what they can and can't do

Could they stay an extra night and leave in the morning on the 27th so the driving is in daylight, that seems a reasonable compromise

Most of my friends parents are this age & most imo would be perfectly fine to do this. It’s not like they’re doing it all in 1 day.

It’s fine to be concerned & express your preference but I wouldn’t retract the invite if they don’t travel the way you want.

Let him drive! My 84 year old parents have just driven to Ireland for a holiday. A few weeks ago, they went via ferry to Spain and then spent a month driving around the country. I think it keeps them young!

I kind of think either he is a capable driver, in which case it's fine, or he's not and shouldn't be driving at all. If he regularly does 60 miles and in the dark this seems pretty achievable?

I think the 'solution' is to ask them to come from 23rd when it might be less busy. The train would be very stressful and they'd have to lug all the presents too!

Tbh, I wouldn't want to rely on trains on those dates. The car would be more reliable and likely more comfortable

Do you trust your fathers driving or not.

Unless they are lacking capacity, they are adults, and it's their choice.

Of course, you could incentivise them to not do the drive by paying out of your own pocket for a door to door Uber if you wish.

But ultimately, they are adults and it's quite offensive for you to think you can make choices for them or enforce your opinions on them.

No way this is a good Idea, book them a driver or make arrangements for someone else to bring them

Yep. Christmas eve trains are horrific. They could end up standing all the way. And the crush at major stations is awful. And they've got to get to and from the stations at each end, with their bags.

They will be in much more control of their environment and comfort in their car. Even if the traffic is heavy.

It is not " too controlling" by any stretch of the imagination 🙄

Good grief. I hope my kids have more respect for me when I get that age.

I can't begin to imagine how much it would cost to get a driver to drive a 400 mile return journey, twice, on Christmas Eve and boxing day.

Thanks for all the replies; it’s really interesting hearing everyone’s viewpoints on this.

Agreed, I wouldn’t normally tell people what to do, but i’m so worried about my parents’ safety that we’ve reached a bit of an impasse.

So you'd rather they'd stayed at home for Christmas? Because that's what they'll end up happening. And they'll be miserable. Well done.