To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

[BeGladHedgehog]

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

They are adults.
It is not your call!

Most elderly drivers are safe drivers though. The only reason why accident rates are being compared to young drivers is because the latter dropped by 80% since the 90s is due to fewer young people learning / owning their own cars before 25. Rates are still low.

I know. But the driver will factor that in to the price. Where's an ordinary taxi fare doesn't factor in a return, because they can usually pick up a gate from (or near to) wherever the previous fare ends

I'm going to guess that they wouldn't need to be stubborn if younger people didn't suddenly feel that they had the right to tell them what they can and can't do, and start issuing ultimatums.

Exactly!

My FIL is eighty in a couple of months. He lives alone and is fully independent, drives, cycles, walks the dog everyday - the other day we even found him up the roof fixing a loose slate

I can only imagine his reaction if one of his children told him he wasn't allowed to drive to their house anymore!

I think you are being unreasonable. I'm 74 and DH is 82. Neither of us have any problem driving - in fact last Christmas we drove 350 miles each way to spend Christmas with DS and his family, who live in a different state. 200 miles is about 4 hours driving, and as long as they can stop for a wee and a tea, that shouldn't be too hard. We don't all lose our faculties as soon as we get older.

In fact DH has spent the last week repairing the plaster on a bad wall in a rental property, despite his bad back - didn't want to pay anybody else to do it so he did it himself.

My MIL drove much longer distances to see us with lots of stops on the way up and staying over at another relative for the night
She was almost 80 when she last did that , but she did gradually reduce the distance she drove after that and then stopped driving completely recently due to knee and hip issues .
I really would not fancy catching the train on Christmas Eve !
maybe they could stay at yours longer ?

Exactly, they have to be allowed to decide themselves. When my MIL was about 80, some idiot drove into her parked car, BIL kicked up a fuss. I was pleased she ignored him.

Your father sounds like a stubborn mule, its all revolving around his needs, because of football. Fewer cars on the road is a good thing, train travel is much better

It's just a fact of life that we all decline as we age. And become significantly less apt to self-assess our road safety.
I don't wish on any of you to have to cope with elderly parents refusing to give up driving until it's too late. The stress is real, as is the sense of responsibility to other others.
I don't want my parents to end up in prison for injuring or killing someone. Would you give an 8 year old a knife and let then play? Elderly people need monitoring and yes, some autonomy taken away where relevant. I don't want someone to die because I didn't steel their keys soon enough.

Your father sounds like a stubborn mule, its all revolving around his needs, because of football. Fewer cars on the road is a good thing, train travel is much better

I'm nearer 84 than not and I think it's "too controlling" by a country mile.

I'm not sure you realise how unpleasantly your post comes over to those of us who are approaching 84.

That's the charitable view of it anyway.

Other than their age is there anything else that suggests its unsafe?
If its that alone and your Dad's driving is fine then I think you should stop trtying to tell them what to do, however if you know or suspect he isn't safe to drive for other reasons then I can see your point

You are not your parents - they must make their own choices in life.

How utterly unpleasant you sound.

Except there are no trains!

I think you invited them. you must have thought this would happen. only options i see are 1) you drive down and pick them up - go on 23rd and stay over before driving back if you need to or 2) ask your sister to come too and get them to drive them down if they have space in their car or 3) accept your df will drive. my fil is 83 and regularly drives that sort of distance. he is mentally and physically fit, very capable and used to it.

An 8 year old is a child. There’s a difference.

Elderly people are adults and get to make their own choices.

can he not adapt his plans, stay another day

Not at Christmas it isn’t. Trains are a nightmare.

Up to them really.

I wouldn't go by train at Christmas either. Can you go and collect them?

PS first class train isn't the answer - it is often the place for terrible drunken behaviour over Christmas. I do the London to York train often (first class) and it's terrible.