To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

[BeGladHedgehog]

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

Are there even trains on Boxing Day? I often fly in or out of Manchester Airport over Christmas and always have to avoid Boxing Day as there are no trains.

If he's a confident and capable driver and they're prepared to take it at a steady pace then I don't see you can stop them OP. I agree with PPs it depends entirely on them. Wouldn't be an issue at all for my 84 year old Great Aunt who is very healthy and independent, but would for other relatives much younger.

There are countless people of all ages who aren’t great drivers. I think many of the younger ones are at greatest risk on the roads.

It's very hard as an outsider to opine here as age is but a number. What matters is if df has many accidents in his car normally, is prone to getting sleepy behind the wheel, and what sort of road these 200 miles will be on. We know your sister lives 60miles away on the motorway, so are the 200 miles on winding country roads? How long does the drive take? I would say as many others to have them stay a few more days to make it worth while, less tiring and to avoid the heaviest traffic. Certainly you shouldn't uninvited them though for Xmas by saying they must take a train. Instead, if you feel strongly the train is a good option on 24th and 26th Dec and you worry about your parents driving, maybe offer to take the train to them?

As said above there is little chance of a train on Boxing Day. I’d try and get them to stay longer. I wouldn’t fancy that much driving in that short a time.

My mum is 82 and I wouldn't have any concern about her driving that distance. My MIL is 81 and I've been terrified of her driving since she was about 55. Is there a specific reason why you are concerned about your DPs?

you need to let them make their own decisions @BeGladHedgehog

My parents would have hated it if I had tried to decide for them, as would I

Boxing Day itself, no. Christmas Eve, yes, but they finish earlier than usual, will be crowded, and I wouldn't be surprised to see some "cancelled due to shortage of train crew". So if the solution was the train, they would have to travel home on the 27th.

You can invite them but certainly not dictate how they travel to your house! Honestly I think an adult man in possession of a driving license is capable of driving. YABU and bloody rude

It's very easy if you read too many threads on elderly parents on here to think anyone over 78 has dementia or is in a care home- my FIL at 85 comes to use every6 weeks for 2 or 3 days , driving 170 miles each way- he's moving house in a few weeks too. He loves a party Too and fully has all his marbles. If your Dad feels that he wants to do and still a good and safe driver- then leave him too it

Thanks for the replies; just to answer some questions.

I would love my parents to stay longer; whilst my mum wants to, my dad won’t, as he wants to watch the football on Boxing Day.

In relation to my dad’s driving, I don’t have any recent personal experience, but all I know is he is a very aggressive driver, and my sibling won’t get into a car with him, and my mum hates being a passenger, as my dad gets in such a bad temper (this is not a recent thing - he has been like this all of this life)

RE. Me being controlling - when people’s safety is potentially at risk, yes, I hold my hands up that I might be a bit controlling.

RE the trains being busy- we would pay for my parents to travel first class, and would pick them up from the station. Again, we would love them to arrive before Christmas Eve, and leave after Boxing Day, but my dad won’t. (Sorry for the drip feed)

If your dad is fit and healthy and there are no issues with his driving then you're being unreasonable.

Agree the train is way more stressful for them!

My dad is 80, he could (and does) easily drive 200 miles to see me. He’s a good driver. In fact it’s only a few years since he came at Christmas then went back home for the Boxing Day match in the morning and came back Boxing Day night for the rest of the Christmas period. The dangerous drivers in their 80s are (in my experience) the ones who don’t drive much and don’t go far. The ones who drive often keep the skills up. I don’t think you can invite someone and dictate how they travel if they are of sound mind. I understand the worry and hope you can come to an agreement where everyone feels comfortable.

You haven't said anything about being worried about declined driving skills op so I don't see why it would be harder for them than anyone else.
I know a couple of elderly drivers and absolutely no way should they be on the road, they're both down right dangerous but refuse to stop driving. Your dad doesn't sound like that.

We are in exactly the same position and I agree with you. Ours is a 6 hour drive on a good day, but the busiest UK motorways. I've said the same, please get the train. I don't think its safe for them or other road users and the train is quicker and comfortable. That may be an unpopular opinion but I just don't think it's worth the risk. I would be perfectly willing to take advice from other family members or friends if they thought my health could be an influencing factor.

Well of he's trying to get to a football match it explains why he wants to drive!

Why are you unable to travel? Bit of a drip feed not saying why.

they are adults so can make their own choices, you aren’t going to turn them away at the door are you?

I suggested a driver. The OP is clearly considering the safety of both her parents and of other road users.
An RTA is absolutely the worst outcome.

If your dparents won't stay longer then suggesting train travel is difficult. There are likely to be so many delay / changes / challenges. For my dparents at that age the biggest challenge were when arrangements had to change - a 10 minute delay in a train would sent them into a frenzy, a route change would be impossible for them.

My df is 83 and would not do that journey. He finds driving more tiring these days and would not manage 200 miles mid winter However he would agree himself so it’s obviously not the same.

I don’t think the train is a good solution as pp have said - not as comfortable esp if there are delays. I would suggest staying longer - 3 or 4 nights - to avoid the busy days.

How patronising!

My grandad was more than capable of driving 200 miles at 83.

Has your DF always been a good driver and experienced driver? Is he still in good health now? If so then it's probably going to be fine.

My MIL is the same age and she drives 200 miles to a party and back the next day. She's done driving trips of over six hours for 3 days straight recently. And this summer she drove all over Italy with her friends in a hire car.

My Dad regularly drives across the UK to visit friends 4-5 hour trips, and he's about to turn 83.

Only you can know if there's a specific concern you have about your Dad's driving ability.

My parents are older than yours and drive that sort of distance on a regular basis. Wouldn’t even occur to me to try to stop them - they’re both great drivers. Better than me. YABU.

And I said that a driver for those distances (remember the driver will have to do the return journey on both days) on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day will be out of this world expensive. If they can even get someone to do it.

It depends on whether or not your dad is still capable of driving safely. You can't say he isn't just based on age if you don't have any recent experience of being in a car with him. My parents both still drive at a similar age. They don't have any reason to travel that far, but if they did I wouldn't try to stop them. It also depends on the journey and what the roads are like, rather than the distance. Presumably they will stop and have a break. Unfortunately you cannot really stop them doing it if they want to. What are you going to do if they just turn up in their car?

I mean, it doesn’t sound like a great idea them coming at all TBF. Two hundred miles for a day, fuck that.