To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

[BeGladHedgehog]

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

It’s so difficult, OP, I completely agree with you and I have this problem myself. I can’t tell them, and they won’t be told, but neither of them are really safe drivers any more and if anything happened while they were travelling to me or back I’d feel responsible. It’s pointless though, my siblings are all totally fine with them bombing up and down the country, so the only outcome is that I see less of them.

Uninvite them and visit another time.

Sounds like there's a risk it will be very unpleasant if not dangerous for your mum and you would feel awful if they had an accident.

From what you've said in your posts, I think you're being incredibly unreasonable, and if I was your dad, I would be really offended. Many elderly people are still very competent drivers at that age - my mum didn't give up driving until she was in her 90s, and she was a perfectly safe driver until her sight deteriorated and she had to stop. Unlike many people much younger than her, she never had an accident in over 60 years of driving. I dont think a 200 mile drive with two days before driving back again is unreasonable at all.

And I'll add, I'm not a nervous driver, I was driving between 14k and 18k miles per year up until a few years ago. Christmas Eve is the one day of the year on which I'd be very loathe to drive

Trains running on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day? Jumping up and down from/to platforms, diversions, overrunning track works if the network isn't closed down completely for at least part of the route? And being in their eighties?

Nah. Not happening.

I’m 60. My husband is 65. neither of us have ever had an accident of any kind . We’ve both been really good drivers for over 40 years. I’m very confident of my current skills,
I’m beginning to see a very slight slowing down of my husband’s perception now. It’s barely imperceptible but if it becomes any worse I won’t hesitate to say so because the safety of other people is the priority.
I hope my family will tell me if and when I reach that point too.

My mum's 86, still drives and shouldn't.

YANBU to give your ultimatum.

But you’re 20 years younger than the OP’s parents. I don’t think there’s any 20 year age gap that doesn’t represent a fair difference in physical capability.

Gosh, my FIL is 90 in a few weeks and still driving. He does a similar sort of distance every Christmas with no issues, although not over such a compressed timeframe. He is starting to wind it back though. We were on a family holiday in Europe earlier this year (two hire cars required for the party) and he said he wasn’t comfortable being one of the drivers, which wouldn’t have been the case 5 years ago. Fwiw, I’ve only ever known him as an OAP and always felt very safe being driven by him.

Judgement can be slightly off at any age. Or not. My mother was still working as a nurse in her 80s ( she never learned to drive though) and my father drove into his 90s. He maintained a clean licence and never had an accident.

I’d be anxious about them making the journey but presumably it’s one they know well and that some of it will be on motorways where they can easily stop for a coffee.
If football on Boxing Day is the reason they can only stay for Christmas Day then they’ll be travelling in the daylight which will make driving a little easier.
As OP is worried about them making a round trip of 400 miles in such a short time perhaps it would be best to suggest ‘doing Christmas’ at another time and each spend the day itself at home.

LoobyDoop2 · Today 23:49

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 23:43
I’m 60. My husband is 65. neither of us have ever had an accident of any kind . We’ve both been really good drivers for over 40 years. I’m very confident of my current skills,
I’m beginning to see a very slight slowing down of my husband’s perception now. It’s barely imperceptible but if it becomes any worse I won’t hesitate to say so because the safety of other people is the priority.
I hope my family will tell me if and when I reach that point too.

But you’re 20 years younger than the OP’s parents. I don’t think there’s any 20 year age gap that doesn’t represent a fair difference in physical capability.

Very fair point. I suppose mine was that we all need to recognise that our capabilities decline as we age. I hope I’ll be a competent driver for the foreseeable. We all do. But there ought to be a mechanism to make sure that we are.?

It depends entirely on how good a driver he is.

My grandad (police driver) carried on until he was about 90 and was very careful and observant.

I think you should let them decide. My DF is nearing his 80s and is more capable than a lot of younger drivers.

It depends on his driving skills. If they're still good I can't see a problem. The train at that time of year would be far more exhausting and horrible.

I have a suggestion: that they drive on Christmas Day itself. The roads will have about a third of the normal amount of traffic on them. Christmas Day is the easiest day of the entire year to drive long distances - it's an absolute breeze.

I think it’s fine, and it won’t be busy on the roads. I don’t think the trains run on Boxing Day but I might be mistaken.

So long as he’s a capable driver, it’s fine. My grandad was driving into his 90s.

I understand you love and care for your elder parents welfare but it's their choice how they choose to travel. I'm sure an elder man with education and life experience would not put himself or your mother at risk if he didn't feel capable. I bet your parents are offended really it's quite controlling you telling them how they have to travel or basically they are not welcome, not good. It's a bit like saying you could get hit by a bus any if us could get in our car and get hit any of us could get on a train or plane and take a risk. You can't control people just because they are old it's their life not yours. Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable.

Send them train tickets. They won't like to waste them.

DH's father was whizzing down motorways to stay with us for Christmas well into his 90s. He lives 300 miles away. I tried to beg him to get the train. I tried to get DH to drive up and collect him, but for some reason he refused. I used to have my heart in my mouth every year. Now, aged 96, he's decided it is too much and he will have Christmas with friends who live nearer. I wish DH would go and collect him instead though. He is a lovely man and I'd rather he spent Christmas with us.

All these people suggesting trains and coaches have obviously never travelled on them over the festive period. They are packed, and it's incredibly stressful. That when they run. How many more times does it have to be pointed out there are no trains on boxing day.

@BeGladHedgehog

It's hard to say really. You say your DF is an 'aggressive' driver, but what does that mean? He swears and shakes his fists? Perhaps drives a little too fast? Or does he tailgate slower drivers, cut people off when he passes them, or does he weave in and out of traffic to 'get there faster' or other dangerous tactics to show other drivers that he's pissed off with them or show them who is 'King of the Road'?

The first two I might be able to shrug off, but the rest of it is dangerous driving whether you're 83 or 33. Couple that with decreased reflexes and slower reaction times and you are right to be concerned. It doesn't matter what someone else's parent can do or did do at his age, what matters is that your DF (if he pulls the above stunts) could kill someone.

Extending the visit or letting him watch the football at your place isn't going to help matters, that's just a bandaid. Aggressive drivers do stupid things and endanger others whether they're driving 20 miles or 200 miles. And whether they're tired or had a good night's sleep.

The unfortunate thing is that you have no control over his driving, generally speaking. You can signal your disapproval by rescinding your invitation for Xmas unless he agrees to take the train, but that's about all.