To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

[BeGladHedgehog]

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

Projecting much? You don't know they'd be miserable in that case.

YANBU OP. Your invitation is conditional which is more than reasonable under the circumstances.

Could you pick them up the week before?
Coach?
Do they have friends half way they could leave their car with, so you can meet them there?
What about meeting for a Christmas meal half way?

Perhaps so, but they're certainly not days to take the train! Christmas Eve the trains all stop early, and will be absolutely packed. Even with seat reservations there's no guarantee of a seat - either the reservations get mucked up or some one site in their seats and refuses to budge. Will there even be any trains on Boxing Day?

And that's just the intercity bit. What about getting to the station at their end (will involve a drive or another train) and getting to your house at your end?

They'll be bringing presents, so more luggage than usual. OK to load the car, taking several trips. ALmost impossible to carry across the station to the right platform, and at their age they won't be getting it on to the overhead racks.

Another compromise might be to offer to fund a night in a hotel halfway - provided you can find one that screens the Boxing Day football, I guess! Or failing that, book them in for a slap-up lunch so they do have a break from the driving.

I think it has to be their decision, though, unless you have evidence that he should no longer be driving.

If your Dad wants to watch a football match on Boxing Day, I don’t think travelling by train is the best option! What match is it? Can’t he watch it on Sky at yours?

In your 80's you are almost certainly too old to drive. I am 71 and will not be driving if/when I reach late 70's. My dad drove when he was too old. We had to tell him kindly it was time to stop. My mother fell asleep at the wheel after a fairly long drive when she was in her 70's.

Trains can be much more stressful. My DF drove until 94 and stopped driving to visit DB 60 miles away at circa 85. He preferred to drive to us - 5 miles away - at Christmas until he was 90. My DM was blind, so I think the familiarity with the vehicle worked better for them

Christ, if I’m fit and well and still driving safely at that age I hope my kids don’t tell me I can’t come and see them if I want to drive instead of getting expensive, packed trains.

"But as many of is have said, the alternative is worse. OP seems to think they can get a nice train ride instead. But the trains are worse then the roads on those dates. "

Nope, not the worst outcome.

If you don't want to have your parents for Christmas, just admit it rather than going through this train farce. You surely can't be that controlling. You just want a Christmas off from them.

At what age did they lose the power to make decisions for themselves?

Buy them first class train tickets and a posh hamper for the journey job done!

IMO, you are being a bit controlling. Aging is shit, you have been an independent entitiy, then slowly it’s all eroded - and you know it’s happening. People help by taking your decisions for you. I watched my father get worn down and then give up as my sibling constantly managed his life for him. I know you may be concerned, however your dad needs to live, not exist.

Ach, I feel for you OP. I think - unless you are in this situation, it can seem controlling but it’s hard to know what to do.

I am in a similar situation: DM does not drive, DF starting to feel less safe (I don’t know how else to put it) behind the wheel now he is in his 80s. Fine for pottering round locally at 20 mph, but not 6-7 hrs and 250 miles to me in SE London.

They are coming to me by train this Christmas - I suggested it, they agreed. They will come 1st class, mum is in wheelchair so they have assisted service and someone helps them on to the train and to their seats. They have done it before, and the trickiest part was getting from Euston to the taxi I had booked. (I teach so HT not keen on me having a day off to collect them from town).

This time, as it is school holidays, I’ll meet them there and get them to a taxi.

A couple of years ago I was also very ‘controlling’, and when dad drove them down I very strongly insisted that they stayed over night, so only 3.5 hours of driving and 3.5 hours of driving.

Would something like this be an option for your dad?

Except it isn't. Once more for the hard of reading. THERE ARE NO TRAINS ON BOXING DAY.

It’s nonsense that everyone in their 80s are too old too drive.Some people are perfectly safe drivers at that age. I have family members who are and I’m a judgey passenger. . You can’t apply the same rule to everyone though I’m not averse to older drivers being retested at some point.

I think you're being ridiculous. My mother is 87 and drives everywhere. Her friends, siblings and cousin are all of a similar age and regularly driven 6 hour drives with a break, in fact today we met her friend who drove 150 miles and back in the dark, no problem.
Do not baby those who don't need or want it. If your parents have full capacity then why shouldn't they be able to continue to drive and make their own decisions. I regularly drive on Christmas day and boxing day and the roads are in my experience far less busy on those days.
As regards the train, my mother has occasionally taken the train and finds it very much more stressful than driving. For example, you've got to organise an unwieldy suitcase/s, especially at Christmas when you might have presents, even if you have booked special assistance it isn't always there on time and you have to lift the suitcases on, find somewhere to put them, jostle with everyone else to get to your seat, at the destination no one might again help you to take the cases off, the lift is probably broken etc. My mother finds the train terrible compared to driving.

My mother in law is 83 and drives everywhere !! She is safe !

Well I stopped driving 200+ miles to my parent's house on Christmas Eve when I was about 32 after there was a car crash just in front of me on the M6 that I avoided by the skin of my teeth by swerving onto the hard shoulder and avoiding the crash. The motorway was closed for several hours and I was one of the last cars that got through.

Driving on Christmas Day was a piece of cake because nobody else was on the road.

A lot of it depends upon the weather, but the roads will be packed.

200 miles driving at 83, that's crazy! YADNBU! Especially as they can't share the driving, and on those sort of roads on a very busy day.Sounds like an accident waiting to happen.
I would struggle with that journey and I'm only 36.
My mum is 73 and in good health but her driving ability and skills have definitely declined somewhat from what it was say 10 years ago, and she is sensible and anywhere further than about 50miles she will always get the train, and avoids central areas and motorways.
My dad was more stubborn and was driving until his health took rapid decline at 80, and he wasn't allowed to anymore but was getting quite dangerous really.
Just because someone elderly says they can do something doesn't always mean they are actually capable of it....it must be really hard making decisions to give things up and wind down abit, but ultimately safety of them and others has to come first.

What do you mean when you say he wants to get back for the football? Does he want to go to the match and watch live, go to the pub and watch with friends on TV or watch TV at home? Just wondering if you can work round that.
Fwiw, my team's home ground is 230 miles from my house. I have home and away season tickets and travel to games by train. The one game I have to miss each season is Boxing Day, as there are no trains.

It might have been once but it isn’t any more. Most over 80s are still driving and can manage a journey on motorways.