To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

[BeGladHedgehog]

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

It’s unreasonable of you to dictate what you do and don’t allow them to do.

Trains at Christmas time are horrendous. It’s not just delays but overcrowding and either unable to reserve seats or unable to get other people out of the seats that are reserved and they are too rammed full for any staff to get through to request them to help.

Why won’t you travel to them?

I 100% agree with the OP. If it were my parents and they insisted on driving a 400 mile round trip I’d tell them not to come. Who knows what the weather could be like either.

It really does depend on your DF's general health. My DM is 83 and no way would she be able to do that drive.

But my FIL is in good health, a very good driver and lives a full, independent life. He still works. There is no way I would offend him by suggesting that he shouldn't drive.

Perhaps suggest staying an extra day or two at yours so that your DF is fully rested after the festivities.

I'm not trying to add to your concern (I have a parent who is 80 and still drives so I totally get it) but anyone driving on Boxing Day has an added risk due to the proven increase in drunk drivers, especially at night. Can they stay longer?

Did you even read what some of us have said about the trains on Christmas Eve and boxing day? In their 80s, carirying bags and presents, being pushed around at the station and probably not getting a seat on the train, and certainly nowhere to put their bags

You say you have their welfare at heart. So don't do this to them.

As long as he's a safe driver and in good health I don't see the issue with them coming by car but if you're really worried about it is it possible they could set off driving on the 23rd and get them to stay in a hotel half way?

I think if you push this then they'll assume you don't want them and they will just stay at home .

The staying an extra day is a good idea.

Motorways , if they know where they are going , prepared and ok to wait out any traffic is statistically safer .
I wouldn't fancy trains at Christmas either TBH .

That's wonderful! Good on them! Although I would say that this is relatively uncommon for over 80

I'd be more worried about their safety on packed trains, trying to get luggage on and off than driving at their own pace when they can stop and rest as they see fit.

I wouldn’t be happy OP, my dad was a very safe driver for decades but that distance and on Christmas Eve when the weather could easily turn would fill me with horror.

It’s like driving from London to Leeds in your 80s in Winter on the biggest holiday of the year. Shudders.

Trains on Boxing Day? No chance. We have a skeleton service at absolute best.

My friend is in his early 30s, and he has to do the train journey to his family every Christmas Eve. It's always a nightmare. Last year he thought he was going to end up on the tracks due to the numbers on the platform, and stood all the way there, with his bags between his feet.

They’re amazing. They just refuse to accept they are aging.

You can tell them you are worried about them driving long distances, but you can't stop them doing it, and making an invitation contingent on certain conditions is quite infantilising. They should be having regular eye tests to make sure they are still fit to drive. Unless you have actually seen them driving badly, perhaps you should believe them when they say they are competent.

Respectfully at 83 judgement can be slightly off. Add to that busy tiring driving in possibly bad weather / stressful conditions it is common sense to consider alternatives. Take it from one who knows.

But as many of is have said, the alternative is worse. OP seems to think they can get a nice train ride instead. But the trains are worse then the roads on those dates. And as someone else had pointed out, there are no trains on Christmas day, and only a few on Boxing day.

My FIL was driving well into his 80's and my MIL is still driving at 90. She wouldn't do that journey now but it is her choice - I have just turned 50 and now won't drive far at night because of my vision and also hate motorway driving unless absolutely necessary as it now makes me a little nervous so I don't do it.

If they are happy to do it leave the to it - they probably won't get over 40 miles an hour on Christmas Eve anyway.

Of course it bloody is, telling a grown adult they're not allowed to drive and will have to take the train or they're not allowed to come to the OP's for Christmas.

He's probably been driving longer than she's been alive, and if he still feels completely confident that's up to him.

Here you go @BeGladHedgehog

I would frame it as you worry about the other drivers on the road and you want to be sure they’re safe.

They are adults leave them alone

And 20 or 30 that aren’t.

Same for every good driver of any age 🤷‍♂️

I think you’re infantilising your parents, op. Channel your inner ‘parent of teens’. The time they do their first long drive after passing their test. You have to feel the fear, and let them do it anyway!