Mother in law wants to be in the bridal party

[Dilligas72]

I am being unreasonable to tell my mother in law that she can't come to the hotel and get her hair and make up done with me, my mum and the bridesmaids. She's not shown any interest in any part of it up until this point.

I was too busy hosting the groom, his brother's, best man, ushers and other pals. Husband cooked an enormous cooked breakfast both times, I had time for a quick shower, make up, photos of the men in their finery.

I couldn't imagine being away from my sons on this day for a primping session.

II wouldn't expect to be in with the bridesmaids and bride on the morning but my own DD and other Dil will be bridesmaids so for the posters saying MOG should be with her own family it's a bit impractical.

That's a bit different though isn't it?

When I got married I would have thought it odd if my MIL had wanted to be with me rather than her son.

Future mil here…waiting for them to plan it!
I certainly would not dream of trying to impose on bridal party . The bride needs the people who’ve been her support in past who be are not there to be entertained, but put brides needs first. You’re own mum who will still be person you’re most likely to want around watching you get ready, boosting you’re confidence..and even then some mums can’t even that. your chosen friends as bridesmaids are there to do that job the most, spot the little details they know you won’t like unless just right, etc rtc
MIL don’t know bride well enough. Jeez I’d have been horrified at my MIL watching me dress, seeing me in my bridal undies or fussing again and again with my hair. There are boundaries that MIL stay one side of and mums are generally on the other . Same goes with seeing you immediately after birth or when trying to breastfeed …personal intimate times are not for MIL to impose on and guilt trip you into along the “if her mum is involved why isn’t his” . ANYTHING to do with your body, your mind, your emotions is entirely up to you and is not a chance for team building, family bond making or spectator sports
why can’t some MIL get this. She not your daughter and will never be, even if you come to love each other over the years.
there’s other special things you can do to feel involved individually with her . Put some thought into it. I’m a good needle worker and I’m making DIL a hand embroidered silk bridal bag- we’re designing it together. That’s it unless she asks me to help her with anything else. I don’t have daughters , just sons, not like I’ve not known for 30 years that I’m MIL not mum to be a bride and I’ll not ever have those sorts of moments- I’ve had other moments with my sons- frankly I’m glad not to have that stress! 😉🤣

@MrsMitford3

If her Mum is included it seems pointed to me to exclude MOG but there you are.

I've seen a few people saying this and am genuinely confused why people can't fathom why the bride might want her own mother there but not her MIL!

I am reading all of the replies with interest-

like I said I would not expect to be there and I see why the bride wants her mum but I guess somehow it feels that the MOB is part of the wedding party but MOG isn't.

My son will be with his groomsmen-we are all staying at the venue.
Very small-only 15 rooms so the wedding has the whole venue/all rooms.

I am actually grateful for the thread as I can see perspectives that would have never occurred to me so I can be prepared!

I am in Ireland so most people leave from their family homes. That’s why I would not expect MIL to travel to be with bride. If you are all staying in the same hotel together that was very mean of your daughter in law. Particularly if your grandkids were there. Also mean not to get corsages. My son told me when he was 4 that I would live with him when he got married. I said maybe his wife won’t like me and he said “I won’t marry a girl who doesn’t like you mummy”🤣🤣🤣
Can I remind him of this conversation when he is thirty. A son is yours to they get a wife seems to be a common theme🥲

Yes - when DB got married, DH and I were at PILs getting ready and supporting DB and his best man- I sorted out their button holes. Then I helped MIL with her jewellery. It would have been weird if she wasn’t there. The tradition is that bride and groom are with their respective families on the morning of the wedding.

only one spiteful person- posting right here for pathetic click bait

Unless there is a history between you, I think it would be a nice gesture. I have sons, no daughters, so if my ds had chosen to spend the morning with DH and ds2, leaving me alone like Poppety's ds did, I would have felt very sad and alone on what should be a special day for everyone. I was lucky that we all got ready together and created some lovely memories of those few hours. I also know that had I been alone, my lovely dil would absolutely have invited me to get ready with her and her DM and bridesmaids.

This. Some people have amazing MIL who are like friends so in that case invite her. However some people have MIL who are arseholes. There I said it. Some MIL are arseholes. My MIL(RIP), although generally lovely, had a habit of saying really inappropriate things that left me feeling like shit. If your MIL does shit like this then definitely do not invite her on the morning of YOUR wedding.

Think about the future , if you end up with a son how would you feel being excluded ?

I think if you are leaving from home that is different, but if you are all spending the evening prior to the wedding in a hotel/venue then it would be good to be inclusive.

If my son had gotten married in his home town and not at a venue I would have not expected to be part of anything as we would all have been at home.

As a MIL with a fractured and fragile relationship with my only DIL all I can say is we are not trying to steal the limelight or piss on anyone's chips, but a bit of inclusion is a kind gesture.

Weirdly my own MIL was invited to the DIL hair and makeup bridal party as she had the balls to just straight up ask if she could join them!! I don't think DIL was keen on the idea but there is no way MIL could have done her own hair and makeup.

I was excluded from this at my son's wedding.
My son was with his dad and best man in the morning and I was on my own. Did my own hair and make up.
It was unpleasant and hurtful to know there was great jollity in the room next door with champagne and fruit and a photographer and I was excluded.
My grandchildren were in there too

Why couldn't your son have included you somehow?

I'd be tempted to fib and say your Mum has paid for the MUA & Hairdresser and see if she offers to pay for herself.

If she's taken no interest in the wedding so far, I don't see why she should want to muscle in on that special time with your closest friends & Mum, unless she's after a freebie, maybe?

Where's the bride's father going to be?

It's the bride's time with her family and friends and the same for the groom.

It won't kill MiL to be with her own family. Does she have children?

And also, rude to ask

When my brother got married, we arranged our own MUA and hairdresser to come to the house for myself, my mam and my sisters. We asked close cousins and other halves of the groomsmen if they wanted in on it. I can't imagine mam not being with her son the morning of. Infact it was a much nicer morning being part of the grooms morning v the brides morning when my sister got married because it was far more chilled and easy going.

So she could have gone to the hairdresser like most people do/did

God I can’t be doing with this wedding nonsense. I got ready at my house. Bridesmaids at theirs. They then came round to mine to get in car to go to church. Mother did her own hair and make up and so did MIL at the hotel.

It's whatever makes the Bride most comfortable. Getting married is a long day where you have to be "on" all day, and I wouldn't have coped if that had included the morning too.

I would never expect my husband to get ready with my dad, who has no sons so he'll never have that experience either, but that's just how it goes. What's the difference?

My son is getting married next year and thank god we all get on, I wasn't even asked if I wanted my hair and make up done it was just assumed. We are all in the same hotel which makes it easier. It's lovely to be involved and spend more time with future DIL getting ready. Someone said MILs "muscle in"....how ridiculous. I get on with my future DIL and her Mum. Not muscling in on anything.

I’d let her.
My MIL was a slow burn but after 20 + years of marriage we really did get on well and I miss her terribly following her death in March. Unless she’s dreadful do it for her, for your future DH and because if you have sons, you’d like it to be done for you in the future.

Perhaps this MIL doesn't want to spend the entire day slaving over her menfolk?

If the groom will be getting ready with his dad/best man/ushers etc and MIL has no daughters to get ready with, I can understand why she'd wonder if she could get ready with the other women rather than on her tod.

It's a bit dismissive to call it "primping" too, it's normal and respectful make a bit of effort with your appearance for a wedding.

I would like to think that my DD would include her MIL in anything she could. Her MIL is a lovely woman and only has sons so would never have the bridal
Party experience.

No, YANBU. Bride is with her family and closest friends. Groom is with his family. MIL does not need to join the brides side for the prep.

I was the MoG. No way would I have expected to be part of the bridal.party. I had enough on my hands managing DH, DS, DD, mother, step and MIL. We were in an hotel. My hairdresser came to do mine, mother's, MIL's and dd's hair. There wouldn't have been time to fit in another.

I suggest the @Dilligas72 politely says "I've checked with the hairdresser to see if she can fit one more in, but she feels very stretched already with the x no of us in a limited time window and has said no.