Mother in law wants to be in the bridal party

[Dilligas72]

I am being unreasonable to tell my mother in law that she can't come to the hotel and get her hair and make up done with me, my mum and the bridesmaids. She's not shown any interest in any part of it up until this point.

As a future MIL I try hard to stay in the background and only get involved if asked. I always take an interest and say “I’m here if you need me,please ask”. I’m conscious of not wanting to be classed as an interfering ML. So my DIL knows I’m interested.i get on well with DIL and her family as does my husband. It’s easy to do this as we live 200 miles apart. I respect her as a capable young woman and exceptional mother to a one year old. My approach seems to have worked so far🤞

Nope. I haven't read her posts. In fact this is the very first time I have opened Mumsnet.
I haven't really got a clue about Mumsnet or how it works. I just got the app via a link from something else I read and was scrolling though as I couldn't sleep.
I don't think the history is this case is relevant. If things haven't been good in the past surely this is a perfect opportunity to make things better?
I don't really understand these unnecessary, manufactured battles in families that seem like something off a soap opera. Life is too short to make unhappy family situations when small acts of kindness reap more positive rewards.
Why expend so much emotional energy on such a small matter. Life has the potential to cause much more serious issues than this, some of which mother in law might be beneficially employed if relationships are good.
Starting off this marriage on a positive note by including her mother in law and not putting her husband in a piggy in the middle situation would be more praiseworthy than excluding her and enjoying sharing a few caustic remarks with her bridesmaids. Maybe her own mother should have pointed this out to her, if she is a decent woman and able to take the long view of the consequences of excluding the mother in law.
If the bride is kind and accommodating she can feel good about herself.
The view from the high morale ground is so much nicer.
It isn't all about winning or proving a point it's about building the foundations for a positive future without little worms of resentment eating away at the apple .

My oldest son got married this summer, I've always got on well with his wife, from when they first started their relationship and hopefully have made her feel welcome within the family. I have stayed in the background throughout their wedding preparations, shown plenty of interest and hopefully they know I am always there if needed for anything, however I will admit I have been deeply hurt at the lack of inclusion in the arrangements. It was definitely all about her side of the family, which is absolutely her right and I get that, but it would be nice to have felt a little bit more part of things. (She had 2 hen do's, an invite to one of them would have made my year!) I haven't ever said anything to them, my husband (not my son's dad) is the only one who knows how I feel but I suppose it has done me a favour to set my expectations ready for if and when they have children.

I have loved a lot of the replies where brides have included their mother in laws in the day, hair and make up for example, particularly those brides who have made a point knowing their mother in laws don't have daughters. Really lovely thing to do.

@4boysthatilove did you invite your MIL to be to your hen do?

I know I'm going to sound ancient, but when I got married, a hen do was a night at the pub for friends and colleagues, with the bride at most wearing a silly hat - and us all having a few drinking games. Not a mother or mother in law to be to be seen!

Oh, and most brides did their own make up and hair, generally sleeping in rollers the night before!

Such a lot of different views- as to be expected as everyone is different. I’m a MIL, stepMIL and each wedding day preparation has been different. Some I was fully included, some it was just about the mother of the bride, some hen do s I was invited, some I was not. And all of my daughter in laws have been treated exactly the same by me. And I’ve a good relationship with them all and fully involved with the grandchildren.
I just smiled and nodded ( something my dad taught me), enjoyed the day/s and kept thoughts to myself ( didn’t rock the boat with “ where’s my invitation? As you can never put words back in the tube!)
Just posting this to say really that sometimes there are no apparent reasons why MIL’s are included/not included!
Im far too old to had hen do or wedding day special preparation so can’t comment on whether I’d invite my MIL or not.
My opinion on your situation is that I’d be the bigger person and invite her, but that’s just my opinion no one else’s. Don’t let it spoil your lead up to the day.

If you get on with her why not ,hope your wedding day goes well tho

That is very unkind. It is her son you are marrying.

That’s sad. I can relate entirely. When my son married we also paid for everything. The brides mum asked us for photos of the couple dating. I sent many over to her. She made a montage of them (a whole walls worth) for the wedding venue. Anything with us in she cut us out. Any with my son’s sister-in fact any of our family she cut out . But loads of photos of her and my DIL, she stole the lime light. She attended all the dress fittings,hair make up etc. dressed like a tart at the wedding to outdo the bride-her daughter! And also made out she paid towards the day when she just said ‘I’m sorting out my finances’ and that was last said about the matter. She’s a very selfish woman. Happy to say my DIL is wonderful and knows what she’s like. Mum of boys get a bad deal far too much.

No, sorry. Mother of the groom isn't the bridal party - she's the groom (al?) party.
If i had a son i'd like to be with him the morning of his wedding, fussing over his suit ect.

@Laiste Do you think it’s likely the groom’s party would have a hairdresser and make up artist, capable of doing a woman’s hair?

There is no way on earth, my DS would have let me fuss over him, getting dressed!

However, DDIL told me, she would get a hairdresser and make up artist to do her, her bridesmaid, me and DDs, if we were willing to share the cost, to make it worth while their coming. They also did DS’s aunt.

IMO, it’s downright mean to say the bride, her DM and bridesmaids can look professionally made up; but MIL can’t! As pp have said, the bride is marrying into DH’s family.

We treat DDIL and DSIL, like our own children. My MIL treated me as part of their family.

IMO, it’s downright mean to say the bride, her DM and bridesmaids can look professionally made up; but MIL can’t!

Oh come on!

MILs can book their own hairdresser & make up if they want to!

I did invite my ex-MIL to my hen do, although it was a fun meal out in a local restaurant, a bit different to what's done now with weekends away etc.

MILs can book their own hairdresser & make up if they want to!

I wouldn’t have known where to start in Polish, as DS got married in DDIL’s home country!

Well that's quite an unusual scenario.

My point was though that the DIL having sorted it for herself & her mum/bridesmaids wouldn't mean that there's no other option left for MIL to have her hair/makeup done.

Seems a bit mean unless she’s been mean to you, and even then I’d include her as I wouldn’t want to exacerbate the situation.

My point was though that the DIL having sorted it for herself & her mum/bridesmaids wouldn't mean that there's no other option left for MIL to have her hair/makeup done.

I still think it’s mean. As I said, we treat DDIL like our own children. We help her out, and she offers to help us. We get on very well!

We help her out, and she offers to help us. We get on very well!

Which is lovely.

Doesn't seem to be the case for Op though.

To be fair to OP's MIL, she does treat OP like her own son. She hasn't bothered with her son, her DIL or her grandson for over 10 years. She doesn't visit when invited, she doesn't visit if she is visiting other family in OP's neighbourhood and she has shown no interest in the wedding.

You treat your DIL and your SIL like your own children in a good way, making them feel like part of the family.

This is not the case for OP's MIL.

YANBU. Having your wedding how it makes you comfortable. If your partner thinks it’s okay, I’d invite her over for lunch at your home to discuss. Perhaps she’s turned over a new leaf or perhaps she’s just playing games.

if she’s playing silly games she likely won’t want to come for lunch to talk. If she comes for lunch, let her know that unfortunately the hair & makeup can’t accommodate one more person… but you would welcome a closer relationship.