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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law wants to be in the bridal party

369 replies

Dilligas72 · 26/10/2024 19:38

I am being unreasonable to tell my mother in law that she can't come to the hotel and get her hair and make up done with me, my mum and the bridesmaids. She's not shown any interest in any part of it up until this point.

OP posts:
ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 20:39

Brefugee · 27/10/2024 20:36

not to the bride though

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Well she should be as the women who brought her hubby into the world. No mil, no hubby! I just don’t get this. I involved my mil in everything ( with my mum) and this was 18yrs ago.

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2024 20:40

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 20:35

So sorry this happened to you. 💜 I have 3 sons and a daughter. I hope my sons and future dils don’t do this to me. You are as important as mob.

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@ImagineImagine I am also sad that this happened to @MrsScarecrow
Why wasn't she invited out with her son? Why does the responsibility have to go to the bride to be?

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 20:42

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 20:39

Well she should be as the women who brought her hubby into the world. No mil, no hubby! I just don’t get this. I involved my mil in everything ( with my mum) and this was 18yrs ago.

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And we now have the most wonderful friendship. Yes she’s not as special to me as my own mum, but she’s a very close second. I’d never have excluded her, as my hubby loves her so much.

August1980 · 27/10/2024 20:45

HildaHosmede · 26/10/2024 19:39

Seems unnecessarily mean unless there's a huge backstory.

my thoughts too! Not the best way to start the marital journey with in laws!

WhistPie · 27/10/2024 20:47

August1980 · 27/10/2024 20:45

my thoughts too! Not the best way to start the marital journey with in laws!

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How does it change the previous 10 years of being ignored by the MIL to be?

laraitopbanana · 27/10/2024 20:50

Hi,

it is distasteful to be put in this situation! Did she outright asked 😵‍💫🤯

I mean, when you are not invited, that usually means…that you are not invited!

she should have invited you to include you and not expect you to include her with your tribe at this stage.

Make up and hair takes looonnng to do so “I can ask if you can join, but I am not sure she/he will be able to” THEN “It won’t work as we will run out of time but I will find one to do yours at your place.”

Good luck 🌺

Overnightoats1 · 27/10/2024 21:00

My MIL joined us for hair and make up. It's a really big day for her too.. will go a long way to make her feel included. Often the grooms mum can feel a bit lost /left out and very scared to upset the bride so won't want to be too involved but a nice glass of bubbles while getting hair and make up done with her future daughter in law will be a small but very good thing to do..

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 21:00

laraitopbanana · 27/10/2024 20:50

Hi,

it is distasteful to be put in this situation! Did she outright asked 😵‍💫🤯

I mean, when you are not invited, that usually means…that you are not invited!

she should have invited you to include you and not expect you to include her with your tribe at this stage.

Make up and hair takes looonnng to do so “I can ask if you can join, but I am not sure she/he will be able to” THEN “It won’t work as we will run out of time but I will find one to do yours at your place.”

Good luck 🌺

Well isn’t that just two fingers up to her future mil, what a way to start your marriage!

Superworm24 · 27/10/2024 21:01

This would upset my MIL so much. I've always included her in everything.

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 21:06

Superworm24 · 27/10/2024 21:01

This would upset my MIL so much. I've always included her in everything.

Me too! At the beginning because she was so special to my hubby, and now 18yrs after our marriage because she’s also so special to me. She’s even told me I feel like her daughter. ( i still have my mum and we have a wonderful relationship, and she has a daughter she’s close with) there’s room for all sorts of relationships. If op gets this wrong, it doesn’t bode well for their future relationship.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/10/2024 21:08

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 20:39

Well she should be as the women who brought her hubby into the world. No mil, no hubby! I just don’t get this. I involved my mil in everything ( with my mum) and this was 18yrs ago.

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The bride doesn't like her MIL. She's been in a relationship with her MIL's son for 10 years and has a child. MIL doesn't bother seeing any of them so OP doesn't want her in the bridal party, which seems fair to me.

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 21:12

thepariscrimesfiles, I’ve tried to read all the posts. But I didn’t know this, but my opinion hasn’t changed. Still always be the bigger person.

diddl · 27/10/2024 21:14

If MIL isn't interested in Op, why would she even want to get her hair done with her?

Whatinthedoopla · 27/10/2024 21:17

I wouldn't invite her.

She could easily ruin your day for you. She can stay away, and you can see her in the afternoon

Middleagedspreadisreal · 27/10/2024 21:18

Perhaps she wants to feel part of it and not left out. Her child is getting married. Why do MOB's get better treatment than MOG's. I don't understand. They are equally important.

diddl · 27/10/2024 21:27

Middleagedspreadisreal · 27/10/2024 21:18

Perhaps she wants to feel part of it and not left out. Her child is getting married. Why do MOB's get better treatment than MOG's. I don't understand. They are equally important.

If she wants to feel part of things perhaps she should have made an effort with the bride?

Christerbell · 27/10/2024 21:37

Heidi2018 · 27/10/2024 20:00

I really really get on with my (future) MIL but sorry, she not as important to me as my mother. That's a ridiculous comment.

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Not ridiculous to me! My mum was never there for me but in my mother in law I’ve found a wonderful woman who I love and grateful to for help and support

Superworm24 · 27/10/2024 21:37

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 21:06

Me too! At the beginning because she was so special to my hubby, and now 18yrs after our marriage because she’s also so special to me. She’s even told me I feel like her daughter. ( i still have my mum and we have a wonderful relationship, and she has a daughter she’s close with) there’s room for all sorts of relationships. If op gets this wrong, it doesn’t bode well for their future relationship.

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See i find mine difficult at times. But I would have to really dislike someone to exclude them. It just seems so cruel.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/10/2024 21:56

What people seem to be missing:

She's not shown any interest in any part of it (wedding)

She has had over a decade and never made any attempt to build a relationship. She visits family streets away and doesn't call to see her son or grandson.

Let's be honest, the day is about the bride. Preparations with best friends and bride's mum matter. If a relationship with the MIL existed it would be a lovely gesture to include her somehow. There isn't an amicable relationship, though. The MiL's own son hasn't included her. That says a lot. The onus is on him.

Mamanyt · 27/10/2024 22:12

I suppose customs vary wildly, depending on where you live, but I was invited by both of my sons' brides to take part in this. It can be a bonding moment between the new family members.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2024 22:40

Are any of her daughters your bridesmaid? If so let her come

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/10/2024 22:43

Mamanyt · 27/10/2024 22:12

I suppose customs vary wildly, depending on where you live, but I was invited by both of my sons' brides to take part in this. It can be a bonding moment between the new family members.

They're not, though. OP and partner have been together 10 years. They have a child MiL doesn't visit. 😍

Champers66 · 27/10/2024 22:45

Dilligas72 · 26/10/2024 19:38

I am being unreasonable to tell my mother in law that she can't come to the hotel and get her hair and make up done with me, my mum and the bridesmaids. She's not shown any interest in any part of it up until this point.

wouldn’t Dream of leaving my MIL out of the morning prep! You are marrying into her family and marrying her child!!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/10/2024 22:48

ImagineImagine · 27/10/2024 21:06

Me too! At the beginning because she was so special to my hubby, and now 18yrs after our marriage because she’s also so special to me. She’s even told me I feel like her daughter. ( i still have my mum and we have a wonderful relationship, and she has a daughter she’s close with) there’s room for all sorts of relationships. If op gets this wrong, it doesn’t bode well for their future relationship.

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It's difficult to imagine when your relationship is good. There must be a lot of hurt for OP and her DP, though as even he hasn't included her. 🤷‍♀️

PollyPut · 27/10/2024 22:59

@Dilligas72 are you staying in the hotel with mum and bridesmaids? Is MIL staying at her house and not the hotel?

if she is at home, and the groom is too, then she will have people to be with so shouldn't need to be with you.

If MIL is staying in your hotel then it is different.