Page 13 | Mother in law wants to be in the bridal party

Nettie1964 · 28/10/2024 14:19

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2024 11:59

Things that the OP has said about her MIL:

She's not shown any interest in any part of it up until this point.

She has had over a decade and never made any attempt to build a relationship. She visits family streets away and doesn't call to see her son or grandson.

Therefore, it is highly unlikely that the OP views her MIL as a VIP and her reasons for not wanting her to be included in the bridal party which normally just includes the bridge's close friends and family are understandable. The MIL is cheeky for asking, considering her non-relationship with her DIL and grandson.

Show quote history

"Normally just includes" when did all of this crap become normal?? Was is when everyone's wedding became an insta perfect moment? No wonder divorce is so high. Seems like MIL is being punished for not taking her babysitting duties seriously. Strange how some "traditions are rigid" and others are discarded, are your kids the bridesmaids???

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2024 14:55

Nettie1964 · 28/10/2024 14:19

"Normally just includes" when did all of this crap become normal?? Was is when everyone's wedding became an insta perfect moment? No wonder divorce is so high. Seems like MIL is being punished for not taking her babysitting duties seriously. Strange how some "traditions are rigid" and others are discarded, are your kids the bridesmaids???

Show quote history

Why on earth would you think that my kids are the bridesmaids?

I very much doubt that 'tradition' is the reason that OP doesn't want her MIL in the bridal party. I think that the reason is that she really doesn't like her MIL. OP doesn't mention MIL not babysitting. She does mention her showing absolutely no interest in her grandson.

I could ask you if you are the MIL, but that would make me sound unhinged.

Nettie1964 · 28/10/2024 15:07

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2024 14:55

Why on earth would you think that my kids are the bridesmaids?

I very much doubt that 'tradition' is the reason that OP doesn't want her MIL in the bridal party. I think that the reason is that she really doesn't like her MIL. OP doesn't mention MIL not babysitting. She does mention her showing absolutely no interest in her grandson.

I could ask you if you are the MIL, but that would make me sound unhinged.

Show quote history

It used to be the tradition that the bride wore white and was assumed to be a virgin. CHhildren before marriage used to be unusual, it is bow quest common for rhe children to be bridesmaids and whatever the boys equivalent is. It just seems strange that MIL is accused of muscling in on traditions, when it seems quiet a few real traditions are completely ignored. Just ssyin

diddl · 28/10/2024 15:07

Nettie1964 · 28/10/2024 14:13

All these American rituals never existed before. Everyone taking and giving offense it really is pathetic. You want to exclude your MIL from your special girly makeup party, how junior school. Unless there is a huge back story, you just sound spoilt entitled and enjoy making people feel other. Well done.

Op doesn't want her MIL there.

Why should she?

Why should MIL take offence at not going to the "special girly makeup party"?

OhcantthInkofaname · 28/10/2024 15:56

So at the start of your marriage you are going to differentiate between your mom and his mom? I'd invite her.

TheWernethWife · 28/10/2024 16:00

Our granddaughter recently got married, both mum, mother in law and bridesmaid had their hair and makeup done.

laraitopbanana · 28/10/2024 18:13

Overnightoats1 · 27/10/2024 21:00

My MIL joined us for hair and make up. It's a really big day for her too.. will go a long way to make her feel included. Often the grooms mum can feel a bit lost /left out and very scared to upset the bride so won't want to be too involved but a nice glass of bubbles while getting hair and make up done with her future daughter in law will be a small but very good thing to do..

Did she ask or did you offer?

Overnightoats1 · 28/10/2024 18:15

laraitopbanana · 28/10/2024 18:13

Did she ask or did you offer?

Show quote history

I offered to pay to have her hair and make up done- will make her feel special too.. it's a nice thing to do

laraitopbanana · 28/10/2024 18:21

Overnightoats1 · 28/10/2024 18:15

I offered to pay to have her hair and make up done- will make her feel special too.. it's a nice thing to do

Show quote history

Yes it is :)

I think that if you offered then it flows naturally…whereas the op has been asked so she didn’t offer.

If that was an etiquette faux pas, I am sure that it could have been rectified but as hair and make up is very much mother of the bride and bridesmaid stuff and bluntly MIL wasn’t offered… it does sound more as an imposition from the last.

Relationships work both way and you can be as nice and inclusive, it won’t make the other person nice and inclusive. Might even get your hair and make up bits quite disagreeable indeed 🥲

laraitopbanana · 29/10/2024 18:20

Middleagedspreadisreal · 27/10/2024 21:18

Perhaps she wants to feel part of it and not left out. Her child is getting married. Why do MOB's get better treatment than MOG's. I don't understand. They are equally important.

I don’t think it is a bout getting more but how the beauty stuff comes for. Usually it is for brides and not grooms…but if it is equal then maybe the groom can organise it and have his mates with his mom?
Or would that sound awkward to you? And why? Coz it is prob the same thing that people are asking the bride to do 🤷🏼‍♀️ and it is actually his mom 😵‍💫

WhistPie · 29/10/2024 21:08

Middleagedspreadisreal · 27/10/2024 21:18

Perhaps she wants to feel part of it and not left out. Her child is getting married. Why do MOB's get better treatment than MOG's. I don't understand. They are equally important.

Maybe she should be supporting her son? You know, the one she gave birth to all those years ago and has known for all that time? Or do sons just get dumped when the shiny new wife (that the MIL to be hasn't made any effort to know in 10 years) comes along?

SkylineExplorer · 29/10/2024 22:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mussymummy · 30/10/2024 16:54

I don't have the best relationship with my MIL but I did include her as I thought it rather mean not to. My MIL came to my final dress fitting along with my mum and whilst she chose to go to her own hairdressers the morning of the wedding, she did join the bridal party for makeup and a glass of bubbly.
Please think long and hard about this as you could be making a rod for your own back by not inviting her and it could potentially cause tension on your big day if she is left out

SallyWD · 30/10/2024 17:54

Exactly. Unless my MIL was a really horrible person, I can't imagine a situation where she asked me join me for the pre-wedding preparations and I said no. How could that not be hurtful?
You say she's shown no interest in the wedding and doesn't call round to see you. I'd like to hear her side. Maybe she hasn't felt welcome but is trying to reach out now.
I don't think you'd ever regret an act of kindness (including her in your morning) but I certainly wouldn't feel good about myself if I excluded her.

PrincessofWells · 02/11/2024 17:56

Dilligas72 · 27/10/2024 01:08

She has had over a decade and never made any attempt to build a relationship. She visits family streets away and doesn't call to see her son or grandson.

Have you invited her?

Original poster

Dilligas72 · 02/11/2024 18:50

In answer to the question "have you invited her?" I would say repeatedly in the earlier years but waned off when the excuses became more and more obvious

OP posts:

Amelie80 · 02/11/2024 19:30

The bridal party is the least of your worries. Run!!

SueSeward · 02/11/2024 19:30

Don’t fall out with your Mother In Law. Keep her on side and your husband won’t have to feel torn by his loyalty to his Mum and to you, the woman he loves. I didn’t like my Mother in law, when I married her son, but in later life, I grew to love her and she was a wonderful friend to me. She’s dead now and I miss her SO much. By the way , I have been happily married for 56 years.

ITryHarder · 02/11/2024 19:40

Ask her, nicely and point blank, why she wants to be included when for 10 years, she's never shown any interest in her son and his family even when she was close by.

Muminkent123 · 02/11/2024 19:51

Yes, you are being unreasonable if you say no. She's a human being and the mother of your husband. She deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.
Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine your grown up son is getting married and his wife to be won't let you join in the fun with all the other girls. How would you feel? You're not in the school playground now. It's time to grow up.

Gigi606 · 02/11/2024 19:52

My MIL was with me on the morning of my wedding and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s part of my family. She’s the mother of my husband and the grandmother of my children. Life is long. It’s much more helpful to have ‘another mother’ than an enemy in any respect if you can find a way to it. You don’t have to be best friends or in each other’s pockets but you may find you need that woman’s help, love and support one day so unless you’re planning to move far away for a long time, you will need to cultivate an adult relationship with your MIL.

Nell3 · 02/11/2024 20:03

Me too .It's upsetting to continually read that mother in law's are treated with disdain.She is in the family party.

Nell3 · 02/11/2024 20:07

,be kind

Cheshirecat14 · 02/11/2024 20:42

I feel the Grooms side are often overlooked in wedding plans . You are marrying his family as well as the groom. Small price to pay for ongoing family harmony. Good Luck

Cece54 · 02/11/2024 20:51

When my son got engaged, his fiancée's parents appeared to have no interest in anything. They made no mention of paying for anything...asked nothing about when it was to be or any arrangements.... no interest in anything. They wanted a relatively quick wedding in springtime, so my husband and I offered to pay for everything. My son told me that the bride to be was going to ask me to go dress shopping with her. But that invitation never came. As the dress shopping day approached her mother suddenly became involved and the two of them went off together. I asked constantly if I could help with anything, but the answer was always a firm no. Same with my daughter. Totally excluded from everything. On the wedding day the bride, her mother, sister (bridesmaid) 2 adult nieces (who weren't bridesmaids) all got together for hair and makeup. My son stayed the previous night with his best man, so I was alone with my husband. Not included in hair etc. At the wedding the bride had given the photographer a list of all photographs she wanted taken. My husband, daughter and myself were in three pictures. It seemed like as soon as I offered to pay, her parents were delighted to be off the hook financially so took full advantage and manipulated us completely out. So to all of you slating the mothers of the grooms, have a wonder if you know the full details. My now DIL's parents were happy to take the credit for the wedding and didn't correct anyone who thanked them for a lovely day !!!! And by the way, they're financially pretty well off so that wasn't the issue. It was all very hurtful. And also, just because I paid didn't mean I wanted a say in anything.... I just wanted to be included or at least given consideration.