Mother in law wants to be in the bridal party

[Dilligas72]

I am being unreasonable to tell my mother in law that she can't come to the hotel and get her hair and make up done with me, my mum and the bridesmaids. She's not shown any interest in any part of it up until this point.

YANBU

Really surprised by the answers over the last few hours.

When my dd gets married, I expect that 'getting ready in the morning' to be personal with myself and her closest friend(s) / bridesmaid(s). It is historically the last thing you do with your daughter before she gets married. It has nothing to do with the groom's mother.

When my ds gets married, it will be our time to be straightening his tie / helping him with his cufflinks / again, generally spending that last morning together as a single man, before he gets married.

I know it is symbolic now (both ds and dd already live with their respective partners) but it is still a lovely time to spend with your dd or with your ds, on their wedding day.
I would not have wanted my MiL there when I was getting ready for my wedding.
I would think it odd if my dd's future MiL asked to come to be with our family on the morning before their wedding.
I wouldn't want to miss that time with my ds on the morning of his wedding, and it would never cross my mind to go to where DiL2B was getting ready, despite the fact she is lovely and we get on really well, and happily see each other sometimes without ds.
It's just odd.

You will die on this hill for as long as you remain married and she's your MIL. Get your hubby to pay for her. Just let her join. It's going to harm nobody. Also, why would she be bothered until now? She's not dressing a daughter in a big dress- That's your families part. She's handing over her son. Just let her join - Unless she's a cow and you need to set boundaries (still let her join in a room on her own and far away from yours.)

Why wouldn’t she be with her son? Weird.

Hardly, if she doesn't bother with her son or Grandchild.

But the MiL in those days, the one who was the hub of the jokes, was almost invariably 'the wife's mother', so the husband's MiL!

I am holding my answer coz I am not sure how does it happen that MIL is requesting that…

In my opinion, MIL is well unadvised to try to insert herself in the bridal party uninvited. So either:

• she wants freebies
• she thinks that op owes her something
• she just want to be looking as nice than main figures of marriage

I can’t think of any other reason so if 1 or 2…op should put down a boundary right away coz it won’t stop. That will be about anything… if 3…I think an option where she get “help” from the bride is ok but not with the bridal party.

In any scenario, something is off and it is the MIL that didn’t start well this marriage and is at risk of damaging relationship by already putting pressure and imposing herself in front of bride. Not the op whom is surprised by the demand so it doesn’t seem cultural either 😓 that screams jealousy to me?

…

They don't but it's different. I have been married for 33 years and have been the Mother of the Groom.

My DIL spent her wedding morning with her mother and sister, grandma and aunt who had flown from another country. I am not and will never be a viscerally close part of that inner circle, as MIL never be a viscerally close part of mine.

I spent that morning with my mother, MIL and dd and my hairdresser came to us.

As bride and MIL aren't close, in this instance I'd refuse this. I'd say I "don't want to spoil the surprise" and then expect her son to tell her how awkward it would actually be as she doesn't know anyone, especially as she doesn't have a close relationship to the bride which would help her to break in. That's the big issue here.

My DM knew my bridesmaids and as we were all in a hotel where she'd booked a room, she ducked in and out herself as she fancied once she'd had her face done. If I were the MiL here I'd not want to spend the morning with a bunch of strangers/distant acquaintances politely tolerating me- and knowing it. I would get the groom to make it very clear. My MIL didn't come to our wedding and even if she had done I wouldn't have included her. She has never made any effort with me and she's very heavy weather socially. My own DM never wants to meet her due to family history. At least 2 of my exes have fun lovely mums I would've included if they'd liked- although I'd have asked them to leave when it was time for the dress to go on to keep the surprise. Key element being that we got on.

I also think this is very much an activity for the bride and her people by definition. If she's not close to MoG it's kind to offer to include her but by no means necessary or to be expected, especially if it's going to change the atmosphere of the morning. I was a chilled bride. Trying to make MiL part of the group would've definitely taken lots of our - especially my- energy. She definitely wouldn't have wanted to drink champagne and belt out Cher or the Spice Girls. My mum and my friends all did.

I also paid for all the beautifying at my wedding. I would not have appreciated someone trying to insert themselves into that If this is the case for OP then it's also really cheeky of MiL if she's expecting to alter last minute plans and disrupt the budget. It can be weaponised, however; If MiL in this instance won't be deterred, she pays for herself and takes the early slots. Again- more people = earlier start or paying for more manpower. If you get lumped with her OP, I'd get her done first, and wave her off to get ready in peace. I'd also make it very clear her toilette wouldn't be on my dime.

That's very sad. I have one of each and don't think of, or treat, their partners any different to each other.

What's sad about it? We don't want to be in each other's pockets. I shall always ha e known my dd for 22 year longer than my dil. The relationship is entirely different. When dd gets married I cannot imagine her future mother in law trying to scrape into the bridal party on the morning of the wedding. She has far too much dignity to do so and will be organising her own family.

What about if your daughter invites her? My stepdaughter invited me and her new Mil. She invited us both dress shopping too.

@blossomtoes future MIL is very "correct". She will want to be at home organising her boys. There is mire chance of dd arriving at her wedding on a unicorn. But if dd asked her and she said yes, of course she could come.

nice for you. My MIL was an old cow and i had as little to do with her as possible.

OPs future MIL sounds like an absolute prize, too.

I agree. It sounds like you've just dug your heels in because she is a MIL.

It would make the day nicer to have everyone included - you are marrying into their family.

I don't understand why the mother of the groom, would want to join the bridal party in getting ready (I have always gotten on well with my MIL, even after divorcing my husband, but neither of us even considered her joining me in getting ready for my wedding). She should be with her own family getting ready, especially if, as stated, she has shown no interest in the wedding before!

I don't understand why the mother of the groom, would want to join the bridal party in getting ready

Neither do I really.

I wouldn't have wanted MIL there & I doubt she would have wanted to be there.

If my almost husband had been thoughtless enough to piss off & leave her alone that might have been different.

But then if he was likely to do that I wouldn't have been marrying him!

I agree, as much as I like my DIL I wanted to be with my son.

Is your future husband her only child, in which case it’s the only opportunity for her to feel special on the day of his wedding. Suck it up and involve her, you will be building a better future with her

She’s a VIP she is mother of the groom. Her status should be recognised she is wanting to be included with the women and should be allowed. Step back.

I think the MOG steps in behind the MOB. I did and was mindful to let the MOB play the leading role.

Of course she should be included! You are merging families, she is family.

Yes, invite her and enjoy your day.

Things that the OP has said about her MIL:

She's not shown any interest in any part of it up until this point.

She has had over a decade and never made any attempt to build a relationship. She visits family streets away and doesn't call to see her son or grandson.

Therefore, it is highly unlikely that the OP views her MIL as a VIP and her reasons for not wanting her to be included in the bridal party which normally just includes the bridge's close friends and family are understandable. The MIL is cheeky for asking, considering her non-relationship with her DIL and grandson.

I have 2 x 20 something boys. Hopefully my future DiL's will let me join in? I would love to be involved in the day, and it might not be appropriate to be with men? Who knows traditions change and evolve. This seems mean unless she's got form.

All these American rituals never existed before. Everyone taking and giving offense it really is pathetic. You want to exclude your MIL from your special girly makeup party, how junior school. Unless there is a huge back story, you just sound spoilt entitled and enjoy making people feel other. Well done.