Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

[Lucy20333]

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter.

I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

I’m sorry you felt upset by this, but did you think that maybe your mum was a bit overwhelmed too and needed to eat? Your mum is a person too, she has needs and flaws and isn’t a hug machine. Don’t blow this up into something much bigger than it is.

I am with you on this OP, if my DD is upset/crying, I will drop anything to comfort her. She knows I will always be there for her.

Was she in the middle of either cooking or actually eating dinner? I wouldn't expect her to get up from her meal to give a hug. It all depends on the context really. I think it's fairly normal for a mum or anyone to agree to do something but at a time that is convenient.

Yes I did think all of that. However, she was staying and visiting me at my holiday home and I was looking after her and cooking her dinner. Which is pretty much how our relationship has been since she and my dad separated. I’m more the parent and she the child. I tried to never put much too much on her when the divorce happened and she only really wanted to see me to go to pull other men but now I’m older I realised some of this might not be right and she’s more take than give. I would like a more mother daughter relationship and not feel like my needs don’t matter anymore as it’s been long enough.

Google rejection sensitivity.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

I’m confused.

Is this something that happened when you were a small child?

Because this is not normal behaviour for an adult child.

I think this could have been a misunderstanding. I think maybe she wanted to devote time to the hug and time to comfort you properly. Her immediate need was hunger (never underestimate how much you need to eat on time when you get older!). I think that you meant that you needed a hug immediately.

I would talk to her about it. It’s exactly the kind of thing my mum would have done and I know how much she loved me. And I also know how much she needed to eat on time.

You don't feel safe? 🫠🫠🫠🫠 honestly how ridiculous. In the kindest of ways you need to grow a backbone.

She was sitting there waiting for her dinner to be cooked by me. She was visiting me at my home for the week.

I don't understand, were you a child or was she visiting you as an adult?

I think the context of her not being that maternal makes all the difference here. If she was otherwise very affectionate you probably wouldn't have felt too bad about the odd refusal or delay of a hug here and there. Maybe your mum was exhausted. Or maybe she was all touched out or something. So in isolation I wouldn't worry about it though I guess in the moment it must have felt very bad.

I'll always comfort my kids when they are upset but sometimes I do have to cut short a hug or say later, please, when we are in the middle of something or getting late. Especially before school the kids love to give very, very long hugs (like 5 min) and we don't hqve time for that. My younger one loves stroking our faces (which is like getting affectionately punched by a little bear) and as much as I love sometimes i just don't want him to and I do tell him. I think it's important for him to learn that you need to respect when other people say no to physical touch.

Edit: I didn't realise this happened when you were an adult. The other stuff you wrote about using you to hit on men is quite bad but as an adult I do think you need to learn to take other people's boundaries not so personally. But then again maybe it hurt more because of your history together and her lack of affection in the past.

Wow, some people on here are cold. You’d really sit and finish a meal while your daughter cried in front of you before comforting her?
My daughter wouldn’t even need to ask for a hug.

I think this is about more than just that hug at that moment.

It sounds like you're struggling with how you think your mum sees and treats you more as a friend or sister, when you feel you need a mother.

Sounds like perhaps she was anticipating that giving you a hug will evolve into a hugging session that was perhaps too long for her as she knew she needed to eat first?

As long as I was in decent mental health, I would give my daughter a hug at any age.

You are being over-dramatic with your "aching hole inside". You sound like a very demanding and emotional person. I think your mum might find it quite wearing. I would.

Thanks. That’s a really nice response and love to think that was the case. Totally get the need to eat on time as I’m like that.

But she was just sitting there whilst waiting for dinner to be cooked for her by me.

Unfortunately, there’s lots gone on over the years where I feel emotionally neglected, like not having proper quality time, but when I say no to going to the pub to pull men she plays guilt trips and cries. When she has a boyfriend she won’t let me stay over with her but she’s always wanting to stay at my house and I had her stay at mine for 2 months with my boyfriend when she split with her ex. But the same was not reciprocated from her. I feel I nurture her more and she isn’t even a mother but more like a friend that takes more than gives.

I think distancing yourself and feeling unsafe is a massive overreaction if this has only happened the one time.

I can't imagine cooking a meal for someone (mum or partner) and chatting then feeling upset and asking for a hug and them actually saying "no -you carry on cooking then serve me my dinner first"

That is odd behaviour from your mum.

Yeah, some mums aren't very good at it. Mine wasn't, and it taught me how I didn't want to parent. Not her fault - she had an extremely traumatic childhood (world war 2 etc). But she too loved babies and not the children they grew to be. It's what some mums are like, OP - and it isn't anything wrong with you, it's her. You aren't being overly-dramatic, and the lack of maternal love does leave an aching empty hole inside. Alas, many fill this with people-pleasing and fawning, as you seem to be doing.

The harsher responses on this thread aren't picking up that this was something in a long line of somethings. and really, they should.

Because a decent parent would never act that way. I would never wait 2 seconds if my son asked for a hug. Even as an adult he will, if he's upset. Come to think of it, I wouldn't wait 2 seconds if anyone asked for a hug when they were upset, let alone my own child - adult or not.

Peg Streep and Karyl McBride both have great books on how to heal from an unloving mother, and you can find them both on Facebook, where they post free stuff.

I have to admit I don't get on with huggers, just makes me uncomfortable sometimes, doesn't mean I don't care. Some people will endlessly hug all around them but deep down they dont really care.

I’m not a hugger. I’ll cuddle my children but one of them is VERY huggy and it’s often just attention seeking and gets on my tits frankly. I’ll save up for his therapy!

I don't really like hugging and neither does DD the last time I hugged her was 18 months ago when her grandmother died.

However if she's a hugger this is weird.

This doesn’t sound like a very normal relationship dynamic to be honest. Sounds like everything is on her terms.

I totally get the upset. When you're down anyway and been vulnerable enough to break down in tears, you need the hug right then and there! Not like you were in the middle of anything

You shouldn't have even had to ask. I would be straight up to hug my dd (or mum, sister etc.) and they would be the same to me

Hopefully she just was a bit clueless and didn't realise how much you needed it

Hug here 🤗