Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

[Lucy20333]

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter.

I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

You think it's not normal for an adult to want a hug?

I think she sounds damaged and hurt by years of having had parents split up and then proceeded to fail to parent properly.

Having to take on the role of parent to her mother will have taken its toll.

You sound very hard and uncaring tbh

If you read all the OPs comments I think you'll see that the mother is quite a difficult and needy person.

Very much wanting all the care but not really capable of giving any.

Thank you for the question…No I don’t. The more recent update responses might give you more insight to help understand. Thanks.

Do you suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria? It can hugely change how you feel compared to many others and whilst those feelings are valid and genuine ones, it can be hard for others to relate to your reasons why.

Clearly, you have a very complicated relationship with your mum with all the background you’ve added.

I think keeping your distance and not relying on her for emotional support is the way to go.

This wins the most ridiculous reply.

OP, it sound like you have an unhealthy relationship dynamic with your mum -perhaps therapy would help.

The thing I don’t understand is if your Mum
is all the things you say she us why would you ask her for a hug in first place? Why would you seek comfort from someone who you say has never given it to you? Why do you want to stay with her (when she refuses you due to boyfriend), why if she is so neglectful and selfish ever since you were a child do you actively seek out going to stay with her and ask her to hug you when you know what kind of person she is?

Why do women/men stay with abusive partners?

Why do parents continue to love children who have done awful things?

Why do children still seek love from unloving parents?

Human relationships are very complex and multi layered, they're not black and white. Doubly so when it concerns maternal/paternal.

In theory, of course it would be wonderful if we could switch off our emotions and needs with logic; I suspect therapists would be out of a job if we could do so.

That’s not what I asked. I asked why did she ask her Mum for a hug when she was very aware that her Mother would not be forthcoming because she never has been. This is different than leaving an abusive partner OR having a child that has done ‘awful’ things. Why would you seek comfort in someone who has NEVER in your life comforted you and why would you actively seek out to willingly spend time with a person like this by asking to stay over and being upset when told no.
This is hugely different than a woman caught in an abusive relationship.

Did I say I wanted to stay with my mom again after she refused me the first time? No

Read my post and other responses.. since divorce with dad she abandoned her role as mother and wanted me to be her pulling partner instead as getting a new BF was her priority more than being a mom.

Don’t stay with my mom she stays with me. Since she refused me that time I’ve never asked again since.

She seeks that comfort in me and always has and I was upset over my grandparent illness and death she was there so I said how I felt and was still shocked at her response tbh as I say she does like hugs and did not expect what came out of her mouth. I guess I still try to see the best in her.

Shes had 20 years to step up now and she’s still neglectful you ask why?

Because she’s just simply not as nice a human being as she could be and a selfish one at that, it’s that simple.

Still hurts as she’s still my mom not a stranger in the street.

Thank you so much for this information :)

Once she got a BF I never saw her at Christmas and wasn’t welcome to stay over anymore even though she always wants to stay at mine (which I’ve always ensured I have bedroom for her whether or not I’m in a relationship but she never had one for me

Sounds like you previously stayed a lot more than once and were told no once she had a boyfriend hence her telling you that you were not welcome to stay anymore.

You still have not answered the question. Why did you expect her to hug you when she never has before? Were you expecting her to turn into a different person and suddenly become the mother you always wanted.
You did not expect what came out of her mouth by her telling you she would after dinner? You were shocked at this yet you grew up this way?

You are totally missing @Barezvizar point which is totally relevant to your questions.

How do you think it’s different from leaving an abusive partner?

You don’t think a woman can be caught up in an abusive relationship within her family?

It does not need to be a romantic partner.

It can be much worse with an abusive family member or family as they come normally in more than one number and can make the child or adult child feel brainwashed or conditioned to believe their behaviour is normal as it’s all they have known and grown up with… so even more worse as they often are are a “clan” of abusers. It takes more strength to leave and set boundaries with family you were born with than it does with a romantic man you knew a fraction of the time in your adult life.

But it takes one strong person to notice this isn’t right and break the pattern in the family clan.

Again, no. It still beggars the question as to WHY you expected her to get up and hug and comfort you when she has NEVER done it. You know what she is like, you lived with it for years yet you expected a different result?
Even someone who is living with an abusive partner would have learned this. This is not about you putting up boundaries with your mother or leaving an abusive relationship, it is about you being so upset because your mother didn’t hug you when you asked her to despite the fact she never has before. How was this such a shock to you that it would leave a gaping hole? The hole was there before. Were you hoping she had a lobotomy and suddenly became the mother you always wanted and swept you into her arms to comfort you when she has NEVER done that before???
Bin her off and stop looking for love that has never been forthcoming. It won’t come.

Doubling down on your question doesn't mean it wasn't answered - the complexities of relationships, added traumas of childhood, and the very natural need of reassurance from a parent are very understandable. Even if logically you know there will be more rejection or dismissal.

You never quite lose the hope that things will get 'better' and you might be loved, if you just did X, Y or Z. Until you reach a moment of clarity, like OP has, that it's not going to change.

I wonder if anyone struggling to understand this struggles with empathy generally.

No, I don’t struggle with empathy having grown up with a horrible mother. I understand what it is like to be abused. What I don’t understand is coming on to MN as a 35 year old woman of a narcissistic mother asking if it is normal to be told to wait for a hug.

Delighted the OP has now got the clarity needed not to get affected by not receiving a hug from her abusive mother and that she can finally see that her mother is not going to change. There will be no more gaping holes and disappointments.

Your relationship with your mum sounds really disordered. She sounds like a fucking vampire.

The hug is the least of your worries.

Perhaps your history is intensifying your replies here, as they're neither kind nor considerate, which is unusual for someone who has also experienced abuse.

Someone's age has no relevance for healing or acceptance; it's very judgemental to say that. I think I was early/mid 30s when the penny dropped that my upbringing was not normal, or healthy, and I started to put boundaries in.

Even if someone recognises the truth and feels more empowered at 80 years old, that's still entirely valid.

If she had come on talking about abuse as a whole she would have got kinder responses.
This was about her Mum not giving her a hug on cue. Then we get the drip feed on how her Mum was emotionally abusive.

The question on the thread was Is it normal to have to wait for a hug from Mum until after dinner. That was the question she asked and those are the answers she got.

I think you already know your mother is over-relying on you emotionally and practically - even using you - and has for a long time. This isn't a normal mother-daughter dynamic. It's not surprising you feel hurt and very needy at times. I would really recommend getting some therapy to help you manage this.

This.

This. I am so baffled by some comments on here! In no world or situation would I hesitate giving my child a hug whatever their age or scenario… no wonder our world is so messed up if this is how most people think!

Wow @Barezvizar this ones aggressive…

@Sweepsthepillowclean If you read my post and responses properly it will make sense to you more, as what you have stated is not factual.

You have said :

“It still beggars the question as to WHY you expected her to get up and hug and comfort you when she has NEVER done it”

I have never said she never comforted me before or that she has not hugged me before. The get up part you also added.

I have made it clear many times she likes hugs.

Very often now in the last 20 years its for when she needs it and on her terms. As you can see from this example.

If you thoroughly read the post and my responses you will read mom and dad separated and divorced. She was a different mom when with my dad until I was 12. She abandoned her motherly responsibilities when they separated and prioritised seeking boyfriends and going out.

It is then up to me and my feelings if I have the heart to still remember the goodness I saw and felt with her for those first 12 years and still give her the chance to be a better person which wouldn’t just benefit me but her and other family members I care about also, but whilst building up healthy boundaries.

If all of us had this black and white “bin them” attitude all relationships be over very quickly, I’d rather create healthy boundaries rather than just “bin her”. If absolutely necessary it was taking too much toll on my life then I would go no contact. But I have so far managed to regain a lot of control of my life back and feel healthier emotionally and mentally.

I get your language is to be black and white and shut people out, that might be your coping mechanism you’ve created from your experience from your bad mother, which is your choice if you want and if you feel it works for you, and is fine as long as it’s respectful, not abusive or damaging to others.

So please be a bit more respectful and less judgemental to me and other posters as there is no need for the aggression towards us. We have not done anything to you, we are not your mom or the cause. We all on here to advice and try help eachother not knock one another down.

Being aggressive just isn’t constructive.

Hope you’re now at peace from your past mother/daughter relationship.