Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

[Lucy20333]

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter.

I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

This sums it up, I would assume you have complex issues and you are only telling us part of the story

Maybe she is exhausted from it all?

It's one thing to sit and listen and offer words to comfort, but entirely another to say let me eat my dinner! 😂
FFS mum! 🥶

Yes YABU. Your description of being at your holiday home and becoming "suddenly overwhelmed" after a "bad day" to the point of abandoning a routine task to request a hug from your mother smacks of attention seeking dramatics. Presumably your holiday home is a relaxing environment - how just how bad can the day have been? Barring some major catastrophe you've omitted from your post I suspect not much in the grand scheme.

Maybe your mum is more of s pragmatist and thought "here we go with @Lucy20333's histrionics again, perhaps we can get dinner out of the way first, I'm starving".

Also - your remark about being a hugger in general - not everyone welcomes random hugs and affection from friends and relatives, It may be pleasant for you to to go round dispensing hugs to everyone but some people get uncomfortable.

As for "distancing" yourself because of feeling "unsafe" (when with your non threatening, non violent, non huggy mum) stop reading or listening to whatever self-help resources you are into and check out something about strengthening your emotional resilience instead.

It's awful, weird and hurtful not to hug someone who is crying, yet alone your own daughter, without being asked. Yet alone waiting until she asks then saying she has to wait.

This. Wtf is wrong with some of you on here??

Unless you had just received life changing/devastating news then yes, I do think it's unreasonable to demand a hug. Some people are huggers but not everyone is.

I never said my mom does not like hugs nor do I inflict them on someone who does nog want. My mom loves hugs when “she needs them” but that’s the problem when SHE NEEDs. So think you missing the point SHE is the MOM I am the daughter… so if I am crying (and had very good reason) what is more comfortable for you as a mom? To hear me crying or say mom I’d feel much better if you gave me a hug right now give me a quick squeeze of reassurance ? (Something my mom always craves from me btw but never seems to want to give it back) .These days it seems people are not strong enough normally to say what they genuinely need when hurting but lash out or withdraw or turn to alcohol or drugs instead so are you saying I should be like those instead?

I am actually the one who moved away from her because of her hot and cold selfish ways, so I totally know what personal space is and do not like strangers hugging me. Don’t judge before knowing the facts. But my best friend and close family all hug as we do love eachother and it feels good to us.

Mom when I was even a kid was way more needy on me than her. But always when it suits her when she’s not got an BF. Even didn’t want me to go to uni to stay by her and loads more I could go into. Don’t get irritated by your kids wanting love trust me one day you’re going to miss it.

Sad to read but yes I think so… I lost out on teenage years and social as mom always wanted to be there and would cry to come out with me I’ve never put that pressure on her and now my grandmother is in hospital, one who I’m very close to and I cry about it there’s no empathy or emotional support… really felt like who are you and realising that just because she is my mom doesn’t mean I have to like who she has become. As I got independent and had my own homes I’ve had I’ve always made sure I’ve got a spare room for her with a bed… moms NEVER had a proper spare bed for me in any home she’s had even though she has the bedrooms she turns them all into dressing rooms or her office. There is so much more I could go into but it’s too draining and not something I want to drag up.

Just reading this as I’m typing makes me realise how unbalanced our relationship is and how much I clearly give more parental type support than she does to me. I always made excuses for her behaviour as felt sorry for her circumstances but it’s been years and she’s the same. Everyone can go through a bad patch but not 20 years!

Thanks for your comment. My boundaries are getting stronger and I’m not going to feel guilty for distancing and putting my walls up to protect myself.

If things are so bad, why not be NC?

What is NC?

No contact

My initial reaction was that you are being unreasonable. However, having read the updates I believe this is less about a hug and more about your mother's highly inappropriate behaviour and expectations of you over the years. This is not a normal parent/daughter relationship and I'm sorry but you deserve better.💐

Would you feel emotionally safe being vulnerable and crying in front of your mom ever again if she showed no empathy and shut you down ?? …If she always rejects your request for emotional support but expects to give it her on demand ?

Our parents and families are the one place we are supposed to be able to feel the safest to be vulnerable… to shut that vulnerability and expression down is unhealthy.

BTW After the dinner she ate it but actually never hugged me despite saying she would…
For 20 years she’d cry at the slightest thing to guilt trip into doing things for her… like ”please darling I don’t want to stay home alone let me come out with you and your friends please” sobbing and expects hugs when she arrives.

When I cried I had good reason to, was not for some pathetic “teenage like” guilt trip.

Trust me I have a backbone, hence why I’m now distancing her out of my life and regaining full control of my life.

In the kindest of ways you shouldn’t be so unkind and so judgemental.

Thanks for your answer just made me realise even more how right I am to feel the way I do.

This is not about the hug.

It's about this: there’s lots gone on over the years where I feel emotionally neglected

My mother was very similar. We have a much better relationship now, and I'm much happier - I had to almost grieve the mother I wanted/needed, put in boundaries, have some space from her, and then re build a relationship.

We get on great now, but I've had to accept who she is and forgive that she wasn't a great mum.

She did the best she could, but I also recognise I deserved much better.

You can move on, best of luck.

Great answer thank you. Totally agree and that’s where I’m at now, forgiveness and boundary building.

Sorry for what you went through and great work and strength on where you are now.

I have so many people I know who just cut their mom or dad off completely but I just can’t be that cold and cowardly. I recognise just because she’s my mom doesn’t make her superwoman, she’s just an imperfect human like all of us…everyone deserves a chance… I much prefer how you have handled it. Very grown up and with depth.

Yes it’s way more than about the hug, found it hard to write exactly what I was trying to ask without going into deep info I really don’t want to drag up but as I’ve responded to others and they’ve responded it’s helped a lot. Thank you very much for the supportive words and reading between the lines.

I’ve never been one for hugging but I do when my children really need one but it isn’t really that often. I think I get a little touched out by my job with young children who often climb on your lap or need cuddles.

I thought this happened when you were a child in which case you would not be unreasonable.

I think as an adult YABU, not everyone likes hugs. I wouldn’t want to hug my mum or friends, I’d like to think I will always hug my children but I can see your mums POV.

Know lots who have done this and it’s not something I feel I would do unless I tried everything else first and it got so bad I had to go no contact.

I am distancing myself more and more and only respond to “positive” texts or calls.

She is still my mom and just imperfect human like all of us and still deserves a chance.

@Barezvizar Gave a very helpful response where they have been through similar and has had to grieve, then forgive their mom and rebuild their relationship whilst also building healthy boundaries. This is where I am at and was very helpful advice.

Sometimes as a mother you get touched out. You feel terrible but it's just how you feel. It seems like a confusing dynamic your relationship. Our parents are not always who we need them to be. Maybe low contact will give you some peace.

The number of heartless mothers here is disturbing.

I would always seek to comfort my children if they were distressed. It sounds like your mother hasn't been able to give you the most stable upbringing so it's no surprise that your emotional development has been affected. Honestly can't believe the number of borderline psychopathic responses here

No problems my end with “emotional resilience”.

Mom loves hugs. I never said I go round “dispensing hugs to everyone” that would be weird. I am very comfortable in my own skin, confident and happy to give or take hugs with those I love and close to. But only those who like to. My sister hates hugs but likes kisses on the cheek, I adapt to her. I however do not like random strangers hugging me. I like PDA with my BF but not huge in public or when have guests as think it’s not respectful.

Mom is the one for 20 years leans on me for constant attention in a “histrionic” manner. Like crying to guilt trip me into agreeing she comes out with me and my friends when she’s got no BF. Crying for me not to go to the uni I wanted as it would mean me leaving her behind and alone. Once she got a BF I never saw her at Christmas and wasn’t welcome to stay over anymore even though she always wants to stay at mine (which I’ve always ensured I have bedroom for her whether or not I’m in a relationship but she never had one for me).

I had good reason to cry that day…was over my sick grandmother, I love and respect her dearly.

BTW My mother ate the dinner then never gave the hug she promised and I didn’t ask again. Once I think is enough and I won’t be vulnerable like that with her again.

@Barezvizar gave great advice and has similar experience. Which I will aim to take.

Regarding “strengthening MY emotional resilience” have you looked up what that actually means?

I show vulnerability and cry (which is a normal healthy emotional response with anyone with a heart to what I was going through) and ask (note I did not demand) for a hug from who should be my closest family member - my mother (again normal)…

Mother’s shutdown response and lack of action to my normal request shows coldness, lack of empathy and lack of flexibility in her emotional resilience. Mom shows lack of emotional resilience as she’s only happy to deal with these situations when it suits.

I have no problem with my emotional resilience. I adapt to my and others stressful situations and help them easily mother does not. For past 20 years she only helps herself and as it stands at the moment.

Asking someone for a hug in the way you describe is totally alien to me. If I said to someone “could I hug you” it would be to see if they were ok with me being in their space and totally ok for them to say “no”. It’s more like seeking consent than demanding a service. If you don’t want to hug your mum at another time then don’t.

You sound very self aware and reflective, which is great - it helps so much when you can see things in perspective.

For me, I decided which aspects of my relationship with her I enjoyed, and focused on those.

Exactly as you say, no one is perfect, and as adults ourselves now, we alone are resoinsibke for our feelings and it's no good to hold onto resentment.

I will mention though, in some cases, going no contact is the very best option. It's not cowardly to remove yourself from a person who is continually toxic/harmful to you.

I do hope this is a turning point for you - now you know your mother is not emotionally able to reassure you and leaves you feeling worse, it's easy (in theory!) to simply not ask anything of that nature of her.

My relationship with my mother now - we meet for coffee, lunch, shopping trips, occasionally the theatre, can chat away about the news or a TV programme, but nothing 'significant' - more of a light friendship.

It's positive, we laugh a lot, she hasn't upset me for years, but I know not to expect any motherly-ness.

I was crying because of my grandmother who was very ill, I’d not long lost my grandfather so that was also still raw (my fathers parents not moms btw) was very close to them both.

Yes you are right it’s totally weird as she totally does like hugs.
If she didn’t like them I would never asked her for one but I always hug my mom when she’s emotional or sick as it’s what she likes. I just don’t get it back.

I get you. My sister hates hugging has since a child so we greet with kisses on cheeks. Everyone is different and show love differently but weird to demand from me a hug or emotional support but never give it back, especially as a mom.