Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

[Lucy20333]

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter.

I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

Great response again 😃These sort of answers and advice is exactly what I was looking for thank you so much. Pretty much all you said is what I’ve been thinking and I just needed a wise word to remind me it’s ok and how I’m dealing with this is right.

I’ve stopped responding to negative or emotional blackmail texts and don’t answer calls anymore I text first to a missed call to suss out the reason for the contact. If the responses are positive I’ll respond.

I am a very private person and don’t agree with airing dirty laundry in public so would not even tell my friends about this as they know my mom and it’s not fair to discuss it. Plus I think people close to you can just tickle your ears sometimes and I think brutal honesty from an unbiased person is very helpful.

I totally get what you’re saying about no contact and I will totally would do that if absolutely necessary.

So happy for you that you managed to resurrect a healthier, more positive relationship with your mom too.

I'm not sure as I'm not a hugger but would find it strange someone demanding a hug. Quite self absorbed.

These ^^

These responses are wild 😳

That's perfect, OP - simply ignore the negative, and keep reminding yourself it's not your fault and her issues/life are her own responsibility to sort out.

Very important to also remember that you are not responsible for her happiness.

There can be a reversal of parent/child dynamic so they key is stepping completely away from this and establishing a more neutral friendship, because she'll never be the parent you deserved and it's hurting you to not be the (adult) child.

But it doesn't mean you can't enjoy some aspects of her personality and still see/chat to her and have a lovely relationship. You might find she worsens as you start to put boundaries in, (and you stop reacting how she expects you to) but stick with it.

I think a lot of posters struggle to understand what it's like growing up with an emotionally unavailable/self absorbed mother and the deep scars it can leave you with - but there is hope and with time you'll feel empowered and positive.

OP, so sorry you have received so many nasty responses.
Typical MN, some posters love to give a kicking by being deliberately obtuse🙄.

It is absolutely clear from your posts that yours was a highly neglectful childhood, with all the confusion and sadness that being forced to adult a parent brings a child.

Several posters have mentioned reframing your relationship with her on your terms. I agree.

Your mother is one of life's takers, that will not change, you certainly will not change her.

What you can do is start to slowly change yourself.
You do not owe your mother the type of demanding relationship she wants.
You can choose to see a lot less of her.
You can choose to not have space for her to stay in your home.
You can choose to see her irregularly and NOT at your home, meeting for a coffee etc..
You can refuse to EVER go to a pub with her again.

I think some counselling would be very good for you.
You sound like a great young woman who had a really hard childhood.

Consider doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you with your boundaries and people pleasing.
This will help you learn what a loving respectful relationship will look like for your future.

You do not owe your mother a relationship with you, remember that.
As a child you had zero choices but now you do.
Selfish mothers like yours think their children are there for their convience, and not independent adults with the right to make their own different choices.

I think pulling back, taking some time and space is an excellent idea for you.
This will give you time to reflect on your past relationship with her and what YOU want your future one to look like.

You have zero obligation to include her in your social life and I think it is deeply unhealthy that she thinks she is entitled to this wheneversuits her.

So yes, you should see a lot less of her and see what YOU want from the relationship.

You have had many years of being controlled by her.
That time is over now.

YOU can make very different choices for YOUR future.

Thanks for this.
It is totally more about her lack of affection, or rather lack of emotional support, but even more so how demanding of my emotional support she has been over the years but not reciprocated. I wouldn’t mind if she was totally emotionally independant and let me get on with my life easily since I was a teen but she’s not been easy. Always tried to control where I go what I do and influence where I live so that I stay close to her when alone but then not allow me to stay with her when she had a BF but I let her with me.

The hug request was just an example I wanted to give without really boring everyone by going into too much detail but I was very upset as my grandmother ill and grand father (fathers parents) not long passed away.

Never got the hug even after dinner BTW. But it’s not a problem as I’ve made my own way and know how to love myself and have a wonderful BF and we love support eachother evenly. But even without him I am just recognising how toxic and one way my relationship is with my mom and how I need to make changes so as not to grow resentful and our relationship becomes damaged for good.

I can’t change people but I can change my life, circumstances and how I respond to others.

Far better for you to build these boundaries now before you settle down and have a family.

In fact moving away a distance that suits you could be good too.

Your mother is the type that would want to stick her nose into your family life if you had children.

Expecting to be an honoured grandmother involved in everything.

Get your boundaries in NOW. Firmly established.

No I am an adult. My mom has always been a demanding person of me emotionally…wanting me to not live away from her at uni, will cry to guilt trip me to come out with me and my friends as she doesn’t want to be home alone etc… causing me issues when trying to study for exams or even call me at my job leaving emotional voicemails or calls to discuss the divorce to me she going through with my father, staying with me at my home, etc etc… then when tables are turned the same emotional or nurture support is not reciprocated.

That is what this is about. I cried on this occasion as grandma very ill, grandad just died and was overwhelmed by that and all the calls back and forth to hospital about grandma reminds me of grandads passing and what went through (still raw).

So had a little cry and asked for a hug but she refused and said after dinner. After dinner came and I still never got the hug.

As @Barezvizar picked up, this is way more than just her refusing to give a hug.
It’s about her abuse of my emotional support I gave her for 20 years then her emotional neglect and lack of support for me.

It's not "demanding," it's the healthy, natural norm. What's not healthy is someone not having the natural instinct to hug someone better and comfort them. It's confusing and hurtful if you're upset and people close to you do not respond by comforting you.

@Appletreepots - we don't all behave in the same way actually. It's good to understand that.

As a psychologist, I do understand that. However, it's important that people who don't comfort people who are clearly distressed and clearly express what they need understand that this can be very hurtful and confusing.

It’s the ‘healthy, natural norm’ for some people. Others simply don’t like physical touch, and will prefer other ways of comforting someone. Someone else’s distress isn’t going to be helped by a hug given by someone hating every second.

@PinkBlouse - exactly

I think you're missing the point, which is that a a caring response to seeing someone close to you in distress is to comfort them.

If unable to cope with hugs, instead a mother could say something deeply loving, caring and comforting, e.g. that she isn't able to hug, but cares very much and loves her daughter. Rather than switch the focus to her meal.

Clearly the mother in this situation hasn't learned this, but that doesn't mean a daughter needing a mother's love is somehow "demanding".

No not normal. But man I couldn't stand being hugged by a friend all the time! But if they asked I'd for sure do it, and if my kid did nothing could stop me!

If you read the post and latest responses properly you’ll read I did not “demand” as @Appletreepots points out… but I “asked” for a hug which is normal when upset about a grandmother who is ill and grandfather who just passed.

Hugs and emotional support is something my mom is very demanding of for last 20 years but just does not reciprocate which quite frankly I’m getting to the end of my tether with. I agree not everyone behaves the same way but emotional abuse and neglect is simply not on.

What I’d advice to you is be less judgemental without having all the facts and a little kinder with your words.

Yeah and don’t hug friends who don’t like hugs BTW. Sister doesn’t like hugging at all so I show her emotional support how she needs when she needs it.

Mom however does like hugs but withholds the same emotional support as you can read from other response updates.

Thanks for your msg.

As a psychologist, surely you should know that some people have various conditions that prevent them from responding in the way OP expects. Why shouldn't OP understand her mother may be one of them?

She sounds like some people with BPD for example.

@PinkBlouse I do agree and understand what you say but my mom DOES like hugs. Read latest responses it will make more sense… @Appletreepots has read between the lines and also pointing out I wasn’t being “demanding” as others have stated.

In fact it’s my mom who’s been “demanding” for 20 years and this is an example how she withholds that same love I give her, so im mire in the parental role and it’s turned into a toxic relationship I now need to have stronger boundaries with.

I think you’re misunderstanding my post. We know absolutely nothing about this relationship, other than what the OP has said, which indicates it is not straightforwardly loving, and that her mother has never been what the OP views as ‘maternal’. Expecting someone who has never met the OP’s expectations of a mother figure to drop everything for a comforting hug (or a loving verbal response) is like going to the hardware shop to buy bread.

My mother isn’t much of a mother, either, but I don’t look to her for comfort, because I would then have to manage her catastrophising on top of whatever I’m upset about.

@Appletreepots has got it right.

@ImNoSuperman She hasn’t got BPD.

But she loves attention and me hugging her when she cries… and she loves to cry to just guilt trip me into things… but tries to stop me living my life away from her, but if she has a BF I can’t stay with her but wants to still stay at mine then demanding I give her support but without reciprocating it… and it’s not a sudden or one example… I’ve given this relationship 20 years and this example I’ve given is just that… an example of MANY others.

She definitely got impacted by the divorce with my dad but it’s been 20 years now. How long do you have to wait for a mom to grow up.

Totally. I’d have to hug her if that’s how I know my daughter needs comfort.

But I am good at reading people and the room some people don’t show affection/comfort with hugs but with words or other affirmations. Like one of my friends she loves her tea, and would say sit down let me make you a nice cuppa with sugar to help your shock if was her crying about what I was… that’s what I know she’d prefer over a hug as a hug would make her cry even more.

However, playing devils advocate…think where some of them coming from they might have experience with “demanding” children or teens… then the parents do need to set boundaries with them especially when they have other and younger children to look after.

In my case I never got the opportunity to be that “demanding” child or teen as it’s my mom who’s been very demanding of me to support her emotionally since I was young.

Thank you for your message and support.

Where does it say I demanded?

I asked her once for a hug, grandmother ill and my grandfather passed recently so still raw, that’s why I was upset.

Mom likes hugs, especially if I give to her when she needs… but she is not one to reciprocate the emotional support she demands ( she does “demand” as she expects it over silly things a teen would and cries to guilt trip me) hence this post as find this all toxic.

But if she was not a hugger for uncomfortable reasons I totally understand what you are saying.

Sounds like u r thinking of yr own needs not yr mums.

Really? What makes you think and say that without asking more questions? Have you read updates about the background of this matter ?