Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

[Lucy20333]

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter.

I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

Another of those posts where I would love to hear the other side.

It depends how the conversation went. You repeatedly say you were cooking for her and looking after her. That's what you do when you host someone.

Maybe she thought she didn't want to waste the lovely dinner you had cooked, in her eyes.

I'm not huggy, I am very practical. This doesn't mean I don’t love my family. Your use of language such as "aching hole" leads me to feel you are a sensitive and outwardly emotional person. I am not having a go here, but I would not know what to do with that and would offer a practical solution such as eating. Just trying to give you an alternative perspective.

Not everyone thinks like you though. There are many many people in the world who never NEED hugs to maintain their mental health or for comfort therefore it just doesn’t resonate with them to give hugs. People seem to think that giving and receiving hugs is important for mental health. That just isn’t true for a whole lot of us. In fact the converse can be true that if you need hugs to cope then maybe there is something wrong with your ability to comfort yourself. Your mother might not be a problem at all.

They are not really 'reflections' though are they? Some of the comments are horrible and veiled nastiness.
I don't care one iota what you think about me but I will stick up for the OP as I feel fit.

Mine has never hugged me, neither my mum or dad
Just how she was

And you absolutely should, I am just saying that not everyone that has a different take or opinion than you are nasty and horrible.

It's not 'everyone'. It is 3 or 4 posts.

While I can empathise that you wanted a hug when you wanted it op, u think emotionally detaching yourself has probably been a bit self defeating?

I was voting YANBU until you said “don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally”. This sounds like internet speak for overthinking your feelings.

Perhaps she thought you were overreacting to your bad day by crying, so was a bit dismissive.

I find it hard to relate tbh, I have cried once in front of my mum in 40 years so can't imagine casually doing it while cooking a dinner.

She doesn't sound great in generally though, taking you on the pull etc, so that must feed in to you feeling so rejected when you wanted her to be a comfort.

Well obviously this isn't about hugs from your mother. But on that specific question, as you asked, I can't bear hugs and cuddles from anyone. There are obviously instances where it happens instantly and naturally (extreme distress, extreme hurt etc), but I just don't think run-of-the-mill emotions call for touch-feeliness. I had a lovely and loving childhood, loving and doting parents, I'm the same to my children. It's nothing to do with my feelings for anyone, I just don't like the sensation (and tbh, beyond around 12/13/14yo I find it a bit wet lettuce to need comfort in the form of touch outside of extreme situations). I was all about cuddles and hugs with my DC until they got bigger and taller than me. At that point it was just weird and unwelcome (for me). They've never asked for hugs either, actually. We're very bonded and close, talk about anything and everything, they come to me for pretty much all their needs (although, obviously, the list is getting shorter as they grow older, as it should).

Your whole set-up sounds unusual and not a typical parent-child dynamic. The hug thing is just one tiny symptom of a far bigger problem, which is probably a gaping hole where maternal love should have been. If you have that, hugs aren't even something you think about: either you're the type or you're not, but they don't mean anything.

Some people aren’t touchy-feely. It doesn’t make them any more or less ‘mayernal’.

She is a grown woman and can choose when she wants to hug - she might not have had the emotional capacity to give you one at that time.

Your an adult demanding a hug of your mother and now you feel ‘unsafe’

You would really irritate me. Sorry

I’ve got a feeling this woman emotional reserved has been drained

And those posts weren’t horrible. You can’t force people to hug you.

I'm sorry you felt sad but I'm not sure I've ever asked my mum for a hug as as adult.
We don't have the best relationship mind so there is that..

But I would stop and hug my kids whenever they were upset!

Kind of surprised not to see ND not be mentioned. Social norms to greet and say goodbye with a hug and a kiss, many of us have been conditioned to do this.

Random hug requests in the process of another social norm (dinner), not so easy to accommodate.

@Lucy20333 you've said she's not very maternal, prioritises behaviours of which you seem critical (boyfriends). Does she have other impulse control characteristics? Have you considered that your mum is ND or possibly bipolar, especially if you yourself are frequently emotionally overwhelmed enough to cry while making dinner.

Are you a mother? Why would a child of yours asking for comfort when having a terrible day irritate you??… What makes you think I “demanded”. Read my responses to others. In fact my mother is very demanding of me… I am getting to the point I no longer have the emotional capacity to put up with her guilt trips, leaning on me for help when she splits with BFs and not reciprocating the nurture I give her but as I’m older starting to realise should be the mother a woman should consider being to her child PRIOR to deciding to becoming one.

You are confusing yourself over which issue you are upset about,

but you admit you are a huge hugger and clearly she isn't.

all this stuff about her boyfriends etc is distracting you from the fact you are a huge hugger and not everyone is.

it also depends on what you were so upset about that you wanted / needed this hug ? you say it was a bad day - at work ? and it wasn't something awful like your cat being in the vets ? you say you became overwhelmed. Maybe a visit to your GP ? might help you ?

so what if it did turn into a hugging session in my mind if people asked for more hugs and hugged more instead of arguing the world be a much better place
But what about bodily autonomy, when would it be OK for them to then say theyd had enough and want the hug to end? Would they not be allowed to and be forced to hug till the hug seeker was satisfied?

@Lucy20333 How's your relationship with your father?
He became a parent too. Do you blame him for not hugging you when you're upset as well?

No never had that problem with my father … and when my mom was with my father she loved all the PDA my dad gave her and loves when she upset how we held her but she just expects me to nurture her and do what she wants when she demand but not give me the slightest normality of motherhood. When I needed her she told me to go to my dad or my father’s mom and pushed her motherly responsibilities away. This example I have was just the last breaking point of many situations over many years for me. However, my advice request is not about my father so politely request you stick to advice about what I asked thank you.

@Lucy20333 Politely, my advice is your misogynist blaming your mother for not considering a grown woman expecting hugs when she doesn't want to PRIOR to having a child is something you need to explore in therapy.

I think you have to accept what your mother has to give and what she can't give you. Physical affection don't come easy for all even if it does for you. Try to get that from a partner/friend/animal who is more into hugs than your mum. I think your mum felt overwhelmed and she dealt with it as she could.

It does seem like you are "hungry" for love and affection because you have been starved and neglected. Your mum didn't give it to you then and she won't now because she is not capable. It's very sad but you will only keep hurting if you keep hoping. Treat her like a distant relative and look for love in better people who are able to reciprociate and not just take like your mother seems to do.