Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

[Lucy20333]

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter.

I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

Well stop taking care of your mom and focus on yourself. It’s okay for you to say no. Sounds like she doesn’t have a problem saying it to you. My daughter is sensitive like you and I know that so when she needs attention from me, she gets it and she’s in her thirties. Feel better!

Absolutely not... who ever needs a hug, it's a now-need, and anyone who asks for a hug (especially a daughter), should get it straight away. Did she think you would need to be hugged for hours??

My mom was a bit like yours. A bit blunt and not a lot of empathy. She probably didn't do it on purpose, or indeed realised how much you needed it, but it still hurts (my mum changes subject when I announced I got engaged).
Don't cut all ties, she is your mum after all. But do be careful when you are/in need of opening up, as the potential rejection could do so much harm.

Have you had counselling at all? Asking because it could be helpful to talk about the relationship that you should be able to have with your mum and the one you have actually got. It's so tough to accept this particularly when people who have got to experience healthy relationships cannot comprehend that some parents will not give you what you need.

Thank you. That is totally my reaction to when someone needs a hug or help of any kind. I can’t even remember when I previously “asked” mom for one.

I am usually very “together” always been very independent and a caregiver, often I’m the nurturer and who everyone comes to for help so when my grandmother was ill, I was dealing with that at this time and so found it overwhelming that day as my grandad also just passed also so very raw.

As mom and I have talked as I’ve got older about things that have hurt me as I’ve started to address them. One thing that stuck in my mind she said her “brain works like a man and I need to be very clear with words what I want as she’s not a mind reader”. So I have never forgot that so spoke out what I felt I needed - a hug.

Usually if I see her or she needs one I am automatically the one to give it to her when she needs, but I don’t have to be asked as I can see when it’s needed. I’m a proactive person, my mom is definitely more reactive and I understand we are different. But this really made me question a lot more about our mother / daughter role.

Mom craves attention more than me, she totally also laps up being complemented, I’m the opposite. I get embarrassed by complements and I don’t like asking for help, I’m usually the one helping others. So she may have been surprised I asked for a hug… but still thought the response was weird and even more so that the hug never came.

When she stays with me we watch movies and I see her cry to sad movies and for others on tv, so shows empathy for characters and feel sorry for them. So I then I think I know she has a heart. But she is not the same in the real world.

So at this time roles are reversed and she goes cold and almost withdraws. It’s confusing as I am automatic to read when she or anyone I know needs love or comfort and don’t need to be asked to provide. I do wonder sometimes if seeing me upset hurts her too much that she can’t cope as I am part of her, but I do know she’s also built differently to me. So trying to understand her better whilst I make the right long term healthy choices for me. I have put others first a lot in the past I’m now at the point in my life I realise I’ve got to look after myself more.

Good for you. It takes courage to distance oneself from a loved one. Stay the great daughter/friend as you want to be

Be strong, and look after yourself

Thanks for the encouragement and have a great day.

You too

Thank you, I have tried it yes. Many years ago, I tried counselling and CBT.

Didn't like counselling, constantly asking me questions and dragging up all negative bad experiences which would then drain me for 1-2 weeks.

But maybe long term both the counselling and the CBT has helped me who knows ;)

I am quite self aware and I do recognise I had quite a healthy childhood until I was 12 in comparison to what came later and try take all the good out of it and apply what I liked and felt healthy in my life now.

What I feel isn’t right about my mom, dad or family life I try learn from it and not be that way or apply it.

I prefer to write about how I’m feeling about these things rather than talk, it doesn’t then impact the ones around me, as it’s not heard and it doesn’t drain me.

Some people are much more huggy than others (and some aren't huggy at all) was my first response to your OP. I felt a bit suffocated by the idea of someone preparing dinner, suddenly becoming upset and crying and needing a hug.

It might depend on whether crying and needing hugs is a regular thing or if there was an unusual reason. One of my children likes to hug and kiss me almost all the time and I try not to reject her but it does get irritating when I'm busy or all touched out. Likewise I have a friend who gets emotional and cries a lot. I try and sympathise but it does get very draining.

But now you have provided more context your mother sounds like a cold, selfish person. So I'm much more on
the fence. Do you feel she owes you comfort for your crappy childhood?

Don't look to her for emotional comfort. You know she can't or won't provide it. It will only make you feel worse.

Hi, thanks for your message.

I totally understand, if anyone was constantly hugging kissing me I’d find that suffocating. I’ve had those experiences when trying to work or in middle of project and it’s too much.

In answer to your question do I think she owes me comfort for my crappy childhood…

No I don’t think so, I’ve accepted that for what it is it’s done and can’t go back. There’s things I’m disappointed in her with and that questioned morals and standards, many would have cut her off completely… but I have forgiven her, she wasn’t in her best place then and my young childhood until 12 wasn’t bad, it was from then onwards I am now seeing how I’m treated… as also I was looking through the eyes of a youth back then but as I’m older and wiser now I know decisions I make now I can be at peace with.

What I do think is weird and not on is to be demanding of me but not give much back… in ideal world the parent is completely the nurturer we leave the nest and they still support us emotionally, since I’m 12 it feels it’s totally the opposite. I’ve had her live with me more than once etc and she acts like a teenager rather than a mature woman. I’d cook and say dinners ready she’d say she’s not eating now she’s going out but ask me put it in fridge she’ll eat it when she gets back. I soon stopped cooking for her whilst she stayed.

When she wants hugs or attention when she’s been upset I am there. I think she owes me what anyone owes anyone in a relationship, appreciation, love, respect and support back in return. That to me is normal. Mom’s and dad should probably give more but I accept some can’t give it.

I wouldn’t put with any of this from a so called friend so I’m getting to the point of how far should I take this now. What’s the best way to handle it, do I slowly and gracefully keep distancing myself quietly or do I put myself through the likelihood of upset by trying to talk it through… but I’m leaning towards the more peaceful option.

I have copied this from another post to answer your question about why the hug was asked for:

I am usually very “together” always been very independent and a caregiver, often I’m the nurturer and who everyone comes to for help so when my grandmother was ill, I was dealing with that at this time and so found it overwhelming that day as my grandad also just passed also so very raw.

Thanks for responding OP. I'm sorry I missed you had answered about the reasons earlier and I had missed that. I'm really sorry about your grandparents.

I agree it's not fair that someone takes more from a relationship than they're willing to give. Worse still, demands more than they know they are willing to give. She's letting you know how she sees your and her places in the pecking order. (My mum is similar, commiserations.)

I feel like I love my children more strongly and enduringly than I expect from them, but i also feel that's how it should be with a mother's love. Yet my mum seems to have it the other way around and I still can't quite get my head around that.

I totally feel you. But you sound like a great mother who is trying not to make the same mistakes ours did so that they will hopefully grow up to be feeling healthy, blessed to have us and lead their own independent lives without doubt they were and are loved unconditionally still no matter what their choice.

I have noticed similar traits in my mothers mom too so I I try to understand but there’s a point where we do have to step away especially when children are around to protect.

Exactly this.
I’m 47 and my mum will hug me whenever I ask for it.
If she was cooking or I was, we’d stop what we were doing to hug one another if we asked. I think hugging your children is super important no matter what the age.
I will forever hug my children.
Hugs are human contact and are so important for our mental wellbeing and the happy chemicals they create in our brains and not only that it makes you feel not rejected by the people who love you the most (supposedly).