Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

[Lucy20333]

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter.

I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

How old are you and your mum op?

I can't imagine my mum not hugging me if I was crying and I'm nearly 50. Equally I always hug my kids. Every day.

I don't think YABU

There is obviously a lot going on here, but this specific incident seems like a non incident to me. She didn't say --'no I will never hug you', or even 'not today', she said wait til I finish my dinner. I don't think this is unreasonable at all. It reminds me of when my young kids would suddenly want a hug or a snack when I tried to eat or go to the bathroom. I often got annoyed and told them to wait because by 4 years of age they should understand that they do not own my body and get to demand it whenever they want. Presuming you are over 4 OP, then you should be capable of waiting until she was finished her meal.

Someone asking me for a hug makes my skin crawl so I can see your mums point. I love my children and do hug them when they need comfort but they are children not adults, it feels different to hug children for some reason. I also want them to respect my own personal space at certain times…it does irritate me when they want hugs when I’m in the middle of something to be honest.

Lots of us aren’t huggers. I just don’t think grown adults need ‘hugging sessions’ as someone referred to it upthread! It’s nice you like them but it’s a bit mean to inflict them on someone you know does not.

This especially if you do seek 'hugging sessions' what does that entail? How long does it last?
Was she a young mum?

If DD burst into tears in front of me she wouldn't have to ask for a hug, I would drop what I was doing and be straight in there. Mid meal, whatever. Perhaps not if I was driving down the M6 though ........

I can't understand a mother not wanting to immediately comfort her distressed child, no matter their age. It takes a pretty cold person to hold back in those circumstances.

I'm sorry OP, your mum let you down.

I don't think the responses saying Yabu are cold. I think they're posters who have noted the 'I don't feel safe if you don't hug me exactly when I want you to' from the op and worked out there's a shit tonne of another side to this.

The op hasn't listed ages despite being asked for it a few times. But if she is/was a teenager it is highly likely given the 'I feel vulnerable emotionally' comment in the op, that this is one in a years long constant line of requests and the mum is drained.

No, no it doesn't. Some children make constant demands on a parent, especially when they are teenagers and then hit the roof if everything doesn't happen exactly as they want it to. So, no, it doesn't necessarily mean they're cold.

Having read the OP I understood that her emotional needs were never met though and that she's trying to make her mum compensate for her lack of love and affection now when she's an adult. But if mum wasn't capable then why would she be now? It's so sad how neglect and abuse shapes our adult selves. But I hope OP will stop reaching out to mum and find the love she needs elsewhere.

The original post sounds like you were a child asking a busy mum for a cuddle while she was in the middle eating after cooking dinners so that might explain the voting. I wouldn't say no to a cuddle if my young child was genuinely upset but my 2yo asks for cuddles constantly including while I'm eating or doing dishes and I can't every single time and will tell her to wait. Some older kids are just a bit dramatic so I could see asking them to wait too.

Given the further details, people are all different. Some are less affectionate and some plain awkward around affection, including mums.

Well, that's rather harsh. 😵‍💫

Yes, it sounds quite emotionally manipulative.

My mum was and still demanding of me. I look after her more and so hence the question. Parents should be parents and set examples I’m now getting to the point I’m fed up being the adult and parent since I was 12 until I’m 32 years old. I was a teenager who never got a life of my own as mom wanted to be at my every side when I got friends as she couldn’t keep or get friends of her own so sorry if your teens are too demanding of you but personally I think that’s the way round it should be at that age. Not mother acting like the teen.

How old was she when you were born?

Are you an American OP?

Yes it's normal to feel rejected. You were crying and upset and needed a hug. Any mum with a heart would've given her crying child a hug. Your feelings are valid.

Sorry when I first read this I thought you meant as a child- you’re an adult? This is a bit of a unusual response from an adult child. You’re not a child anymore, the parental relationship changes, you ate equals now, I think you’re still looking for thr mother daughter relationship, maybe because of childhood emotional neglect? Perhaps therapy for you to find out where this comes from deeply rather than just blaming your mum. In this instance it doesn’t seem like she’s done anything wrong, you’re not a child op.

Depends how often it happens and how long the crier expects to be comforted?
Frequent episodes and not being allowed to unhug sounds difficult.

You do sound very needy and childlike OP. I don’t think your Mum did anything wrong. If you are this very tactile, hug needing, emotional person in general, it can be very wearing. My mother is like this and is constantly crying and needing hugs and it irritates the crap out of me if I am honest. She comes at me with arms open and it makes my skin crawl.

I love my kids but sometimes they just have to wait ! You sound very immature.

😂😂. This isn’t a child but clearly an adult !

There have been a few threads recently that make me wonder if half the ppl on this site know How To Human or have just read about it in books.

I'm 46, my mum was never affectionate but if I broke down in front of her tomorrow she'd drop everything to come hug me (if my dad didn't get there first).

OP - yes, it's odd & of course you feel hurt & let down. I'm not sure what you do from here but I just wanted to let you know you're not weird for being sad about this.

This

You sound a bit over dramatic OP. How bad was the bad day?

I am not a tactile person - I never have been. My Mum was always quite "Needy" and was always asking for a "Love" and liked to kiss me on the lips, even when I was an adult and had a husband of my own. She also used to do this to my children and often made them feel quite uncomfortable (it made me uncomfortable too), so I can see it from both sides.

My children are not particularly tactile either so I'm always very happy to give them a hug when I feel it's needed (they never ask), but I also appreciate that sometimes they don't want a hug and they appreciate the same with me.

It's difficult, but some people are just less tactile than others and being expected to hug someone makes them uncomfortable - Doesn't mean they don't love that person, just that they are not very touchy feely. Love can be shown in many different ways - offering practical support, listening, creating fun, just sitting and watching a film or TV programme together, doing mutually enjoyable activities, just spending time together - sometimes you don't even have to talk - just being there can be helpful

*I’m a huge hugger...

Maybe she was feeling overwhelmed at the time.
She might not be a huge hugger like you and couldn't master the strength to get up..

You keep mentioning that she was at your house and you'd cooked as if she's then obliged to get up and hug you on command.

Being seated doesn't mean she wouldn't have been mentally exhausted.