Is it normal for a mom to say I have to wait for a hug until after dinner?

[Lucy20333]

Mom dad divorced when young they were very affectionate but when split mom treated me more like a sister than her daughter.

I’m a huge hugger and if even if a friend is upset I’ll get up quickly to hold to console her.

One day I was upset and crying to my mom as had a bad day and suddenly became overwhelmed, I asked my mom for a hug and she said “I will after… let me eat my dinner first” Is this normal behaviour for a mom?

My instant reaction was an aching hole inside and felt rejected. She’s very good at hugs and kisses at greeting and byes but never been the most maternal of moms. But always wanted babies. I have distanced myself since and don’t feel safe getting too vulnerable emotionally or asking for a hug when feeling I need one again from my mom.

Wow, 83% of people think you're being unreasonable. That's surprising. I can't imagine ever refusing my dd a hug when she needed one, at any age, unless there was some sort of vital safety issue that meant I couldn't. And I can't imagine my mum ever refusing to give me a hug either.

A hug takes, what, 5-10 seconds? Are 83% of people really that emotionally distant from their kids that they can't put aside their own priorities for just a few seconds to give some much-needed comfort to their child?

No wonder we have a mental health crisis in this country when so many parents have this attitude.

Very helpful response thank you. Yes there’s a lot more to it than just this episode and now I’m getting to the point I need to set some very healthy boundaries as I don’t feel the love I give is the same back. I am a people pleaser so find it hard and when she cries because I say no I feel guilt as I do love her. Trying to balance being a good daughter with not being taken advantage of and hurt more from what in already carrying from my childhood and to ensure I can grow to have healthy relationships with others as mom gets jealous of all my friends and gets so upset if I don’t invite her to all my own social events. Thank you.

Context is everything but reading this it seemed to me that she didn’t want to give a hug that wasn’t freely given. In other words it felt uncomfortable to her to give a hug because you asked for it. She probably only gives hugs when she feels it is appropriate /needed and initiated by her. It probably felt unnatural and therefore not beneficial to either of you. Some people are like this and can come from uncomfortable experiences in the past- could be something simple. Maybe she thought you were better to self soothe for a while.

Either way I think you are overthinking it

Doubt it… she was staying with me at my house and I was actually cooking and looking after her at the time… and so what if it did turn into a hugging session in my mind if people asked for more hugs and hugged more instead of arguing the world be a much nicer place.

I think the fact that you asked for a hug shows how "off" everything is.

If you have to ask there's not really any point is there?

I wouldn't ask as I'd rather not have a hug that had to be asked for!

In the nicest possible way, do you break down and cry often OP?
Just trying to work out your mum' s muted reaction

I suspect the mother would tell a different story here. Would your mother consider you rather overly dramatic and needy, OP?

No as others have noted, there’s a lot more to this… my moms always been very demanding and guilty tripped me… I look after her more than she does me.. I’ve just come to a point now I’ve had enough but still have a heart…read my other responses thanks.

Sounds very transactional, doesn't it?
People don't normally need to ask for hugs from loved ones when visibly upset.
OP said her mum stopped acting as a mother to her a long time ago. That's the answer, really, sad as it may be. OP, live and learn. I can relate, my mum doesn't hug me and I can't even remember the last time she showed affection to me (and I do everything for her).

I'm sorry you felt so vulnerable when you needed her. It's hard to accept. 💐

It hard to say - it quite possible she was feeling overwhelmed herself. I am not a hugger and I wouldn't ask a hug from my mum now.

This 100% my mum would not make me wait for a hug and likewise with my own children however old.

I think you need to decide if your relationship with your mum is good enough and gives you some of the things you need. Most people are just doing their best amd some fail alot or a bit or some times. It would be lovely if she could give more or in the way you'd like but you might have to accept this is it and kearn to live with it.

This. My 7 year old dd has hugged me about 659 times so far today so yes I would tell her to wait if I was just about to eat my dinner (not that me telling her to wait stops her from doing it anyway 😂)

This. Batshit crazy.

How old were you when this happened, OP?
I think some PPs have already asked but I'm not sure you've answered.

Is this really as bad as it got?

Wow. How nasty is your post.
You don't get it at all. Do you.

You're a right piece aren't you.

Maybe you are a huggy person but she's not as huggy as you? When she feels like it yes, but she doesn't feel like it as much as you'd like?

If you are under the age of 16 I can understand why you needed a hug but in adulthood people don't often get overwhelmed to the extent they need a hug from their mom while cooking the dinner. Your mom prob didn't expect that and thought you'd be better not thinking about your problems and getting on with other stuff to take your mind off it? Do you need a hug or reassurance a lot?

Maybe if you need a lot of support a lot of the time your mum just got a bit exhausted with it all?

If someone's tired or starving it doesn't mean they don't love someone else if they prioritised their own physical and emotional needs over yours. Adults have rights too, it's not as much about kids needs first when kids get a bit older?

100%

Your mum's reaction just doesn't want compute with me. If my dd asked for a hug I would put whatever I had in my hands down and give her the hug she needed. I am not capable of any other response. Goes some of us are more nurturing than others though.

Not really.

I really feel for you OP and totally get it.

There is obviously a back story which people on this thread have chosen to completely ignore and have been horrible with their comments.
Ignore them.

The 'Stately homes' thread about dysfunctional families may be worth a look...

Or rather you don’t. You can’t demand hugs, people do have a right to say no. OP does seem overly dramatic.

Who are you to tell OP to ignore comments. OP asked for reflections, and it really isn’t up to you to decide what those reflections are. On an open chat forum. You are coming across as being very ignorant with all your posts.