To think that sons are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage

[CyanPombear]

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy? My son is married and is 35 years old and has been married for 2 years now and dated his now wife for 5 years before that and lately he has seen a little down and I call him once maybe twice a week so I am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

I mean gosh I am still his mother and I am allowed to reach out and ask about my son without his wife being around. It doesn't mean I am undermining the marriage. Or anytime my son they don't have any children comes over his wife ALWAYS comes. As a person I truly like my DIL a lot she absolutely adores my son and he absolutely adores her back but it's like she views him as just her husband and no longer my son.

He's not expected to but if you're being a traditionalist he is the head of a household now so that home comes first. Cut the apron strings.

My adult sons aren’t married, but they do have long term girlfriends and DS2 has a baby, neither have cut me out of their lives. Obviously they’re not here every 5 minutes asking me to do their washing or whatever, but we still talk everyday and I have a good relationship with both DDILs. Their own families must, and should always, come first.

I do t think this is always or even often the case. My own father didn’t do this, I can’t say I know anyone who has. When my MIL was alive, it was me who constantly reminded my ex to phone her or arranged visits. My friends are the same!

When DH sees his mother, I'm usually there. It's not because I don't view her as his son, it's because if I wasn't prompting, reminding or facilitating these visits to happen, he'd easily go years without seeing her. We have DC now, so I'm also there for crowd control, so he has some chance of actually having an uninterrupted conversation with her, but it was the same pre-DC.

Wow I must say I am very pleasantly surprised to see that 13 people think I'm not being unreasonable. I thought I may get roasted. Thanks for the positive support so far.

I see more of mil than my own mum ! I have her for every Christmas, we go shopping together, so it doesn’t always happen.

This. In 90% of cases it's the wives/girlfriends encouraging and facilitating the relationship with the MIL.

I know plenty of men who wouldn't bother much with their mum if their wives didn't arrange it.

I think the general idea of a husband leaving his mother & father and cleaving to his wife is good. The thought is that before his marriage the last household that he was part of was yours & your husband’s. Now he has his own household to care for, and that’s where his focus should be.

That said, he’s still your son, and you’re still his mum and can (&should) continue to have a great relationship. Asking if he’s ok isn’t stepping on your DiL’s toes, imho. But I wouldn’t be pushy about it, just keep the lines of communication open and if he wants to talk to you, he will know you’re there.

am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

Your DIL is either mad or there's more to the story than this.

A mentally healthy person doesn't take umbrage because someone's mum asks if they're ok.

How does DIL know you asked if DS was ok? The text from your DIL is a little over the top. I encourage DH to see his mum without me but he doesn't. I used to organise meeting up but I stopped as it isn't really my job so we don't see them that often now.

WTF? Does anyone still buy into the "head of a household" crap? And even if they did, would the "head of a household" be prohibited from having a relationship with his mother?

OP, you're not BU in the slightest, of course it's fine to ask your ds if he is OK. His wife sounds batshit and worryingly possessive.

I agree with a lot of PP that I don't think sons are expected to forget their mothers, or if they are that expectation is not coming from their wives/partners. Maybe in some cases. But I think actually most women go out of their way to ensure their partner stays in touch with his family.

I don't do any legwork with my inlaws, I might text my MIL from time to time to chat or ask about specific things, but arranging to see each other, emotional support and checkins etc, all need to be dealt with by DH. And if he doesn't do that, that's on him not me, I'm not pressuring him either way.

This isn't something I recognise at all. Once me and DP got serious and moved in together (we've never married so can't you that as a benchmark), I probably ended up seeing more of my Mum than I did previously, and this increased again when DD was born.

My Mum and DP got on like a house on fire though, maybe it's different when the partner and MIL don't get on so well.

Yes, you are right to feel annoyed at the DIL for being offended at you being concerned about it.

But I would say, most of the time it seems like sons are the ones who are bad at keeping in touch with their mums. I don't particularly like my MIL but I would never get in the way of her relationship with DH. Does he keep in touch with her? No. It shouldn't be up to the wife to make sure the guy does that either, so I don't remind him. I don't need reminding to keep in touch with my mum, so if he wants to he will. If she was a nicer person I might feel different and encourage it more though☺️

They aren’t expected to at all? In my experience many sons start detaching when they go to uni and contact their mothers less compared to daughters. This continues when the parents are elderly and need some help - daughters seem to be the ones who help over sons.

Was DIL there when you called ds or do you think he discussed your question with her. “My mum said that I seemed to be down, have you noticed a change in me ?” Your DIL seems mean to have jumped to the conclusion that this was a dig at her - there are lots of reasons that he could be down like work.

You are unreasonable about her always coming to see you. That’s called making an effort and wanting to get to know you. In many families, men wouldn’t go round to their mother’s houses if their wives didn’t push them.

Your son has obviously told his wife that you asked if he is OK, or else she was in the room and overheard. Her response seems a bit weird. Also, does your son ever call or message you or do you always initiate?

If I didn’t pester DH to contact his mother, and quite often his siblings, they wouldn't have heard from him very often in the last 30yrs!

How did your son answer when you asked him if he was OK? Is it possible that he spoke to his wife and said that you were really worried about him, and his wife took it as implied criticism that she wasn't supporting him properly?

Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy?

If the MIL is saying something against the DIL, pushing her boundaries or challenging her parenting methods it is on the son to take his wife’s side. He chose to be her family and so he has her back, even against his own mother. Spending time with his mother does not make him a momma’s bit but being facilitated to be a man child by his mother certainly does.

I have not stopped my husband from seeing his mother and I won’t. But I’m not facilitating the relationship. Why should I? He’s a grown man and perfectly capable of maintaining a relationship, especially with his own mother. As it happens, DH has kept his relationship with his mum going but for many men they expect their wives to do this. This is why the wives and gfs are always there because they’ve facilitated it. This is perhaps why communication drops when they have children because the DIL is busy with kids and so managing her husband’s relationship with his own mother falls down the priority list. But it’s the MIL’s who blame their DILs for this and not their sons.

My husband doesn’t keep in regular contact with his mum because he doesn’t think to. She invites him out without me, which I think is a bit weird. But I’m not that bothered by it. It just feels rude to invite my husband and children out and exclude his wife and the children’s mother. Since she’s started doing that I’ve started bothering with her much less

Your both unreasonable.

She's over reacted unless you missed something out.
You are over reacting to one comment meaning all men abandon their mothers when they marry.

My boys will be raised seeing how DH treats his mom, how I treat her and I expect by boys to do the same when they're older. If they don't, I'll be taking it up with them

I think you might be missing something here as a pp said unless he’s a bit odd there is more to the story.

Maybe a. “Mum rang she’s ever so worried asking how I am, you never ask how I am. At least someone’s looking after me she clearly
knows you don’t/wont”

I only say that as well as we have had this over ironing. “Mum would iron it for me because whatever excuse ” so I said ok take it to her. He didn’t. He just wanted me to do something for him and used his mum as an excuse or stick to beat me.

What was your follow up question to ‘are you ok?’

Did you ask if all was well with his wife?

Seems odd that if this is the first time she has said this, and you have never ever stepped over a line?

Who expects this?

My DH and his three brothers have certainly not "dropped" my MIL.

In fact now she has four girls as well as four boys.

I wasn't aware that was a thing. My DS is 42 and still very much a part of my life but nobody should expect either a son or a daughter to live in their pockets when they grow up. They are entitled to their own lives.
I make sure its ok with both of them if I want to see them because they have busy lives.