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Original poster

To think that sons are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage

197 replies

CyanPombear · 26/10/2024 15:22

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy? My son is married and is 35 years old and has been married for 2 years now and dated his now wife for 5 years before that and lately he has seen a little down and I call him once maybe twice a week so I am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

I mean gosh I am still his mother and I am allowed to reach out and ask about my son without his wife being around. It doesn't mean I am undermining the marriage. Or anytime my son they don't have any children comes over his wife ALWAYS comes. As a person I truly like my DIL a lot she absolutely adores my son and he absolutely adores her back but it's like she views him as just her husband and no longer my son.

OP posts:
fallenbranches · 27/10/2024 00:25

In my experience (fully appreciate this is just my own and in now way reflective of others) with all my relatives it is always the daughters who stay close to their parents and the husbands seem to be much more with their wives families. 3 of my female cousins have actually told me how they've convinced their DH to see the 'negative' sides of their parents and they won't allow being controlled by their MIL. I can see both sides as some of their MILs are a bit controlling but sometimes the examples are a bit silly. For example, my cousin speaks to her mum about twice a day but if her DH does she moans that it's odd for a grown man to speak to his mum daily. I think about this a lot as I have two DS and wonder if they'll end up the same, being much more with their partners families.

Caffeineismydrug35 · 27/10/2024 00:31

Your DIL sounds batshit. My mother in law is quite lovely and mine and DH’s families have merged. DH sees her once or twice a week and the kids and I go when we feel like it. I’m pretty similar with my parents. I actually think it’s disgusting how some MIL’s are treated. You should be able to call your son whenever you bloody feel like it. I’ve got a son and a daughter and I’d be devastated to be treated like an outsider. The whole “mummy’s boy” concept is bullshit. My husband was described as this when we were in our early twenties, it translated to “he treats women respectfully, cares about his mum, treats my mum like his own and our children are growing up seeing a Mother as someone to be loved, respected and cared for”.

265IceCream · 27/10/2024 00:34

My DH is not like this. He has a good relationship with his parents. I don't interfere or facilitate that relationship, he is just a caring son.

However my exH was an arsehole who expected ME to take over his relationship with his mother, he didn't want to bother with her (she was a bit...needy). So I had to remember birthdays, organise gifts, call her, try and be her friend. Both myself and MIL were frustrated by this. She thought I was domineering and interfering but the truth is her son was a bit shit and he orchestrated all of it! He would lay on the guilt. He would also tell me anything negative MIL said about me so that I would feel extra bad and try harder.

I was very happy to divorce him!

Moral of the story- not all men are like that. Your son is your problem.

Well, your DIL is also a lunatic but don't blame that on society!

Leafcrackle · 27/10/2024 00:34

Twice a day? About what? I found that leaving home and going to uni made conversations with the parents v difficult. No, I don't remember Steve from number 37.
Briefly had more to talk about when kids were babies, but was more on a practical level than every day one.

Tbf, it's difficult to talk to my dad because he doesn't really do conversations. He just lectures. Never asks about the kids; doesn't even ask them any questions when he sees them. Only wants to talk about himself. Which is a shame; he's got cracking grandkids, but I'll be damned if I'll make them court his attention.

MattBerningerstrophywife · 27/10/2024 00:37

ADHDparalysis · 26/10/2024 15:45

WTF? Does anyone still buy into the "head of a household" crap? And even if they did, would the "head of a household" be prohibited from having a relationship with his mother?

OP, you're not BU in the slightest, of course it's fine to ask your ds if he is OK. His wife sounds batshit and worryingly possessive.

Show quote history

We are in the year 2024. The man is not “the head of the household”

Danajune11 · 27/10/2024 00:38

Leafcrackle · 27/10/2024 00:34

Twice a day? About what? I found that leaving home and going to uni made conversations with the parents v difficult. No, I don't remember Steve from number 37.
Briefly had more to talk about when kids were babies, but was more on a practical level than every day one.

Tbf, it's difficult to talk to my dad because he doesn't really do conversations. He just lectures. Never asks about the kids; doesn't even ask them any questions when he sees them. Only wants to talk about himself. Which is a shame; he's got cracking grandkids, but I'll be damned if I'll make them court his attention.

I ring my mum once a day. Some people just have a close relationship. And also my mum is quite elderly and lonely , 76, so I know a call brightens up her day

Icanflyhigh · 27/10/2024 00:46

Sons don't cut their mothers out of their lives without a valid reason and 9/10 the reason isn't the DIL.

VivianLea · 27/10/2024 00:54

Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy?

This isn't the norm in the families that I know.

SnowFrogJelly · 27/10/2024 00:54

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy?

This is absolutely not expected or the norm

Sorry if it's happened to you

VivianLea · 27/10/2024 00:55

Icanflyhigh · 27/10/2024 00:46

Sons don't cut their mothers out of their lives without a valid reason and 9/10 the reason isn't the DIL.

Nice, good to see women getting blamed for the poor bahviour of men. What exactly are these wicked DILs doing, that the poor ikkle menfolk can't possibly break free?

Danajune11 · 27/10/2024 01:11

VivianLea · 27/10/2024 00:55

Nice, good to see women getting blamed for the poor bahviour of men. What exactly are these wicked DILs doing, that the poor ikkle menfolk can't possibly break free?

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They're using psychological control to cut him off from loved ones.

Danajune11 · 27/10/2024 01:12

VivianLea · 27/10/2024 00:55

Nice, good to see women getting blamed for the poor bahviour of men. What exactly are these wicked DILs doing, that the poor ikkle menfolk can't possibly break free?

Show quote history

Women are not faultless.

It's definitelty true from what I've seen. Women cause the majority of problems in families. Through jealousy.

They don't like their husband getting any other female attention, even from his own mother

Biffsboys · 27/10/2024 01:30

Sprogonthetyne · 26/10/2024 15:30

When DH sees his mother, I'm usually there. It's not because I don't view her as his son, it's because if I wasn't prompting, reminding or facilitating these visits to happen, he'd easily go years without seeing her. We have DC now, so I'm also there for crowd control, so he has some chance of actually having an uninterrupted conversation with her, but it was the same pre-DC.

As a mother of two boys this makes me feel so sad 😞

Frowningprovidence · 27/10/2024 01:54

I have sons, but even before then I used to think I dont want to be my husbands mother. He has a mother. I want her to do mothering. I want to be his partner. It's different relationships and I never felt any competition. Being completely blunt, his mums love to him is unconditional. I actually do have conditions and would leave him if they were breached. I think it's important he has that kind of parental love.

BobbyDazzler11 · 27/10/2024 01:16

Wow that is horrible.
I think you are just acting like a mum ????

I would expect MIL to ask dp this is he seemed down and I would never think to message and attack???
(together 8 years, baby and home together etc!)

My SIL would likely do something like this although she's an odd cookie all round!

JellycatParent · 27/10/2024 01:32

This was so painful to read. There is obviously a lot more to this story than you’re letting on.

Why is it always the new wife who gets blamed when the son ‘drops’ his mother? 9/10 it’s actually the new wife who encourages the son to maintain the relationship with his mother. Birthdays, Christmases etc it’s usually the wife promoting the card and gift buying, the phone calls, the visits. But of course, the MIL ire is always directed at the other woman because as women we just love to tear each other down.

And you have the cheek to say why does she always have to come?! Perhaps because she’s his wife and his chosen family. You had your son exclusively for 18 years and perhaps longer, entirely dependent on you and under your roof. I sense you’re feeling rather redundant and a little bit bitter.

JellycatParent · 27/10/2024 01:33

Danajune11 · 27/10/2024 01:12

Women are not faultless.

It's definitelty true from what I've seen. Women cause the majority of problems in families. Through jealousy.

They don't like their husband getting any other female attention, even from his own mother

Edited
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How disgustingly misogynistic. You should be ashamed of yourself even writing that. How embarrassing for you!

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:14

Sounds like your son should have chosen better to be honest. The DIL sounds like a controlling nightmare.

But then he is allowing her to be.

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:15

Gabbyghoul · 26/10/2024 15:32

This. In 90% of cases it's the wives/girlfriends encouraging and facilitating the relationship with the MIL.

I know plenty of men who wouldn't bother much with their mum if their wives didn't arrange it.

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This is really sad. I am glad my brothers are not like this. It would leave my mom heartbroken.

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:17

Also OP this is not a general expectation. This is your son’s doing. There are plenty of men who see their birth family and friends as simple placeholders till they find girlfriends and wives and they ditch the previous support network. Sounds like your son is one of those men.

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:18

VivianLea · 27/10/2024 00:55

Nice, good to see women getting blamed for the poor bahviour of men. What exactly are these wicked DILs doing, that the poor ikkle menfolk can't possibly break free?

Show quote history

The same thing that men who cut off women from their friends and family do: emotional abuse.

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:19

Danajune11 · 27/10/2024 01:12

Women are not faultless.

It's definitelty true from what I've seen. Women cause the majority of problems in families. Through jealousy.

They don't like their husband getting any other female attention, even from his own mother

Edited
Show quote history

Cool sexism bro.

Biffbaff · 27/10/2024 05:18

The daughter is a daughter all your life saying is patriarchal bullshit. It's designed to keep women always in the role of daughter, ie subservient to their family of origin, so that she will provide free social care when the parents ail. Meanwhile the son is a son until he "takes a wife" (bleurgh) ie gets a free pass to fuck off into the sunset, doesn't have to perform filial duties in the same way. This is the patriarchy doing what it does best, freeing the male from the shackles of family obligation.

It's also a very modern and Western idea. In other cultures and Western historically it was the daughter who was sold in to the man's family. But guess what? She was still subservient to them. The son was no more dutiful then when he had a wife to fulfil the donkey work.

Anyway, if you buy in to this phrase you're part of the problem.

twinklystar23 · 27/10/2024 05:48

"A sons a son unt he finds his wife q daughters a daughter for the rest of her life"

I have 3 adult sons and have good relationships with all 3. Hate this misogynistic claptrap.

The last time it was spouted i asked howbthat apied to my son who was gay?

No answer

beezlebubnicky · 27/10/2024 06:00

I'm not sure I agree that men are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage, but I think it probably comes from the scores of threads you see on here about MILs being controlling and overstepping their boundaries.

Which I don't think you are doing, OP. I think maybe you need to try and speak to DIL in person about this and explain you're just looking out for him because you're his mum, and that's never going to stop and it doesn't threaten their relationship whatsoever. Maybe she's having a hard time with something and might welcome a friendly ear as well?

My MIL lives round the corner and my husband probably pops in to see her a couple of times a week - it's never bothered me and she's lovely and doesn't interfere at all despite her close proximity. If he was having a hard time and talking to her, I'd be glad he was opening up to someone.