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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sons are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage

197 replies

CyanPombear · 26/10/2024 15:22

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy? My son is married and is 35 years old and has been married for 2 years now and dated his now wife for 5 years before that and lately he has seen a little down and I call him once maybe twice a week so I am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

I mean gosh I am still his mother and I am allowed to reach out and ask about my son without his wife being around. It doesn't mean I am undermining the marriage. Or anytime my son they don't have any children comes over his wife ALWAYS comes. As a person I truly like my DIL a lot she absolutely adores my son and he absolutely adores her back but it's like she views him as just her husband and no longer my son.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 26/10/2024 17:55

Your daughter in law sounds a bit brittle though - but thats her. They aren't all like that.

WonderingWanda · 26/10/2024 17:56

I assume your dil doesn't have her own kids yet? Just send her a laughing emoji back and tell her you'll remind her of this when she has her own grown up kids.

stayathomer · 26/10/2024 17:57

It is so true op, everyone used to be surprised I ‘let’ dh over to dmil so much- I was like ‘what?!’ If my mum lived near us I’d be over daily, he’s only over once a week/ twice! It might have just been a weird moment with your dip, I wouldn’t jump on it, or maybe they’re having marital issues and she was worried he was talking about her. Maybe invite them both to dinner so ye can all move on

OhMyGollyGoshGosh · 26/10/2024 17:57

I have 3 adult sons and I genuinely thought this was just a Mumsnet thing.

Thankfully I've never known it in real life and nor have my brothers, or my husband.

Browsing2023 · 26/10/2024 18:00

I have noticed from my own friend group that daughters remain close to their parents/rely on their parents for childcare etc whereas their MILs don’t seem to be as involved in their sons or grandchildren’s lives.

Me and my husband don’t have children. We both see our parents once a week. However as a couple we definitely see my family more. I have never felt a part of his family more the girl their son married but my mum sees him as family and we have holidays together etc.

i remember even as a child thinking if i had a kid I wanted a girl because they are closer to their family and boys tend to leave their family behind, so it’s always been something.

OopsyDaisie · 26/10/2024 18:07

Gabbyghoul · 26/10/2024 15:32

This. In 90% of cases it's the wives/girlfriends encouraging and facilitating the relationship with the MIL.

I know plenty of men who wouldn't bother much with their mum if their wives didn't arrange it.

Show quote history

I agree with thos, but the DIL not liking that the Mother rached pit to her soon to see how he was? That is really OTT...I think that's is very strange of her.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/10/2024 18:08

Isitjustmeoranyoneelse · 26/10/2024 15:24

He's not expected to but if you're being a traditionalist he is the head of a household now so that home comes first. Cut the apron strings.

Why does no-one tell daughters to cut the apron strings?

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/10/2024 18:11

I have noticed from my own friend group that daughters remain close to their parents/rely on their parents for childcare etc whereas their MILs don’t seem to be as involved in their sons or grandchildren’s lives. You don't think this could be because DILs want their own mother near them after the birth, and don't want visitors who aren't their family (eg MILs), so that it's a lot more difficult for a MIL to strike up a relationship with a GC?

Ozanj · 26/10/2024 18:14

This is only the norm in the UK and even then amongst white people. In every other culture mil’s are involved in their son’s life.

In my culture mils and dms are both equally involved in childcare and the ds is expected to lead family engagement. ‘Head of household’ means he becomes head of the socialisation for his family too and even his partner’s parents would go through him if they wanted him / their daughter for social events. And in my culture women have massive contact with their families and even live with them for a month after childbirth!!

Ozanj · 26/10/2024 18:19

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/10/2024 18:11

I have noticed from my own friend group that daughters remain close to their parents/rely on their parents for childcare etc whereas their MILs don’t seem to be as involved in their sons or grandchildren’s lives. You don't think this could be because DILs want their own mother near them after the birth, and don't want visitors who aren't their family (eg MILs), so that it's a lot more difficult for a MIL to strike up a relationship with a GC?

In India women often go to their parents house at the 7 month mark, give birth there, and live their for 40 days. But mils supply the lionshare of the childcare even when they don’t live together.

Kinneddar · 26/10/2024 18:19

Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy?

That's your experience but it's not the case in healthy relationships. My brother calls my Mum several times a week, WhatsApps her pretty much every day. He goes over on his days off about once a month and does any odd jobs around the house & they go out for lunch. He visits about once a fortnight with my niece. We go on a family break once a year & see each other at birthdays.

My friends brothers have similar relationships as do my Mums friends with their sons.

So no, men aren't expected to cut off their Mums

Lavenderblossoms · 26/10/2024 18:20

Okay best way to solve this?

Please just ask her out for a coffee and communicate.

Just explain you would never think that of her like that but he will always be your son and you just want to be there for him as a mother. Reassure her that doesn't mean that you think anything bad of them or her. Say you'd like to feel as your DIL she can come to you as well and you'd do the same for her.

You probably think why should you have to but annoying as it is, sometimes you gotta be the bigger person to have it smooth.

I personally think she is being a bit precious but it isn't worth falling out over.

Thursdaygirl · 26/10/2024 18:22

I think mum needs to accept that her son’s wife is now his most significant female. You can’t have two queens on one throne.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 26/10/2024 18:23

I encourage my DH to see both his parents without us and with us. Why would I want him not to?
Equally if he's ever felt his parents have asked too much of him when we have needed to be our first he's done so.

Echobelly · 26/10/2024 18:25

I never got any idea that a son is 'supposed to cut off his mother' when marrying. Yes, contact might slow down somewhat once he is in a long term relationship, but every husband-wife and mother-son (and MIL/DIL) relationship will be different and affect that dynamic.

suburberphobe · 26/10/2024 18:30

She sounds toxic.

Perfectly normal to live your own life and still check in with mum without a partner making it a problem.

As long as mum is getting on with her own life and not being a burden on her son.

I wonder what her own family history is that makes her like this.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/10/2024 18:32

Urgh I find the whole idea of a wife replacing a mother so misogynistic and gross to be honest. It suggests the handing on of the baton from one man facilitator to the next as if it was inevitable that women should spend their lives running around after men (and squabbling over who gets to do this.) Yuck.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all OP (unless there’s a back story) but I find the post upthread saying a man should “cleave to his wife” depressing.

FelixtheAardvark · 26/10/2024 18:35

Well all I can say is I didn't.

FiveLoadsFourLiftsThreeMeals · 26/10/2024 18:37

CyanPombear
What do you mean by defending your position? Do you mean taking sides with you in a disagreement or argument between you and his wife?
This and the complaint that she comes with him to visit suggest there is something else going on here.

Of course sons are not supposed to drop their mothers upon marriage.

Adult men are also terrible husbands if they take sides with their mother against their wife, unless the wife is being clearly completely and utterly unreasonable.

A mother of an adult son is acting very questionably if she sets up a situation in which her son is expected to choose her over his wife or otherwise interferes in the marriage.

I have two sons. I have a husband who was obviously a mother's son although she sadly died after we'd been married for 12 years. I most certainly won't put my sons (nor indeed my daughter) in a position where I'd expect them to take my side against their spouse or partner! If the spouse or partner was arguing in favour of something awful I'd expect my offspring to be arguing against it themselves, purely on their own behalf, not to defend my position!

SemperIdem · 26/10/2024 18:38

You’re both being unreasonable.

I fully expect my husband to facilitate his own relationship with his parents, which he does. We often see our respective parents without each other.

Your DIL’s message to you is really strange too.

phoenixrosehere · 26/10/2024 18:41

WhereIsMyLight · 26/10/2024 15:57

Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy?

If the MIL is saying something against the DIL, pushing her boundaries or challenging her parenting methods it is on the son to take his wife’s side. He chose to be her family and so he has her back, even against his own mother. Spending time with his mother does not make him a momma’s bit but being facilitated to be a man child by his mother certainly does.

I have not stopped my husband from seeing his mother and I won’t. But I’m not facilitating the relationship. Why should I? He’s a grown man and perfectly capable of maintaining a relationship, especially with his own mother. As it happens, DH has kept his relationship with his mum going but for many men they expect their wives to do this. This is why the wives and gfs are always there because they’ve facilitated it. This is perhaps why communication drops when they have children because the DIL is busy with kids and so managing her husband’s relationship with his own mother falls down the priority list. But it’s the MIL’s who blame their DILs for this and not their sons.

Agree.

DH talks to his mum 2-3 times a week. Always has and I’ve never had an issue with it. I think it is lovely that he does. He also knows when to shut things down with his mum if she is being unreasonable, whether I’m blamed or not, I don’t know.

My own father and his brothers (all but one) constantly talked and saw their mum and my mother’s brother did too before the mothers passed. Most of my male cousins are close to their mothers.

The few that aren’t most have a good reason for and nothing to do with their spouses and the same goes for most children who aren’t close to a parent.

saraclara · 26/10/2024 18:43

You can't expect to have a private conversation any more, it seems. I've discovered that virtually everyone has their phone on speaker. So presumably DIL heard and read more into your question than was intended.

That might well signal that a the reason your son seems down might be something to do with her.

AzureLemon · 26/10/2024 18:46

Luckily for my MiL neither of her son's got that memo. I have 4 sons so hoping they don't either.

yeaitsmeagain · 26/10/2024 18:48

I cut off both my parents. It's not just sons.

Cheekymonkye · 26/10/2024 18:58

My grandma used to have a saying / rhyme that her mother passed down:

your sons is your son untill he takes a wife , but your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life.

obviously it’s an old wives tale, but they often come from some sort of truth .

times do change though, keep reaching out