To think that sons are expected to drop their mothers upon marriage

[CyanPombear]

I am seeking honest advice. Why is it when a son gets married he is expected to essentially cut off his mother from his life and if he dares to ever defend his mother's position or even spend time with her his wife or partner is so quick to label him a momma's boy? My son is married and is 35 years old and has been married for 2 years now and dated his now wife for 5 years before that and lately he has seen a little down and I call him once maybe twice a week so I am in no way overly involved in his life and I asked him a simple question if he is ok as he seems down lately and I got a text from his wife my DIL telling me she was upset because she felt like by asking my son if he was ok that she couldn't handle taking care of him and that as his wife she feels that's her responsibility to step in if he seems off.

I mean gosh I am still his mother and I am allowed to reach out and ask about my son without his wife being around. It doesn't mean I am undermining the marriage. Or anytime my son they don't have any children comes over his wife ALWAYS comes. As a person I truly like my DIL a lot she absolutely adores my son and he absolutely adores her back but it's like she views him as just her husband and no longer my son.

My late MIL lived 200 miles away. DH would ring her every Sunday night. He didn’t need me to encourage him.

One of the things that attracted me to my DH was the warm and caring relationship that he had with his parents. We didn't move near then, but he called his mum every week of his own accord, and we would go up there for a weekend at least every six weeks.

I also didn't tag along every single time, not because I didn't want to go, but because I felt that it was nice for her to him to herself now and again. And when you live a distance away, there are fewer natural opportunities for that.

If a man is nice to his mother, chances are he’ll be nice to you too. And if he doesn’t treat her well chances are he won’t treat you well either.

Oh God, I really hope this isn't a thing! My eldest DS is 33, and has lived with his GF for the last ten years - we message a couple of times a week "how are you?" "here's a funny thing that happened" "did you hear about such and such?" and a brief phone call every couple of weeks.
Not a constant stream of communication, but we're still part of each other's lives even though his life is in another county with my DIL.
I can't imagine having to think about whether it was appropriate to ask if he was ok, or if there was anything I could do to help, if he wasn't OK....

Your DIL sounds weird. But I wouldn’t say it’s representative of all MIL/DIL relationships.

I have married daughters and don't live very close to them . My daughters have a good relationship with their Mil's and therefore their dhs have an ongoing relationship with their parents so from that perspective nothing has changed for them.
What's your relationship like with your dil ? Could you improve it and hopefully that will improve everything generally .

The DIL sounds like a bit of a potential controlling nightmare trying to cut you off

My mum would be gutted if she thought she’d raised a child that needed looking after and tbh if I did need looking after as an adult my wife would of fucked me off long ago

I am very happy for DH to have a relationship with MIL. I encourage him to call her, arrange meet ups and suggest what he can buy her for presents (hence she thinks he is a genius at this). I am happy for him to see her in his own. Very happy in fact if I don't have to go.

There are two things I do feel uncomfortable with though:

-He is first born son and the apple of her eye and she essentially thinks he can do no wrong and the sun shines out of his arse so I do object to her berating me if we ever have a disagreement and to being given advice on how to look after him better. Leave us to work this stuff out for ourselves

• When we first got married (in our late 20s so not kids) she was in the habit of calling him every single day including at work which I found very odd and did try to discourage. Because they spoke so often I would then sometimes find he had told her important stuff before me and I felt that diminished our relationship so I did ask him to stop that.

I don't think it's a male female thing just a respect for the boundaries of a relationship thing. Your life partner is the most important person and should be your main support and go to person and something is wrong if that's still your mum. The above two would apply if I had a female partner as well.

When my mum was alive we were very close and I am sure I did speak to her about issues in our relationship but she would never ever have let on to him that I had spoken to her, nagged him or interfered. It was more of a sounding board and she would give advice but always leave us to resolve our own issues. In fact she thought the sun shine out of his arse too so maybe it does!

With respect, OP, you don’t sound as though you have embraced your son’s wife as part of the family, as you are trying to exert a hold on your son by treating him as if he isn’t part of a committed couple…
My own mother didn’t really accept my husband, but dear God, his Mum was kindness personified to me (even if a little over-enthusiastically for my “reserved” family tradition).
She treated me like the best thing that had ever happened to her son, was always eager to help and grateful for our company. She visited often and was a Godsend when we had children, looking after them, with so much love, to support us when we were struggling with work, school and life in general. In short, I couldn’t have wished for a better MIL.
Now you need to ask yourself if that’s how your son’s wife thinks of you? If not -get busy being the best MIL you can be to her - it’s never too late - and you’ll get your son back as part of their bond…

I think she's being unreasonable messaging you to tell you off for asking about your son's wellbeing! But I don't think usually men are expected to cut their mums off completely... Women can be very clingy with their sons!

9/10 it’s actually the new wife who encourages the son to maintain the relationship with his mother. Birthdays, Christmases etc it’s usually the wife promoting the card and gift buying, the phone calls, the visits.

So what happened re gifts/cards/phone calls before the wife came on the scene?

If the son always did it why would he then expect not to?

I said 9 times out of 10 the reason ISN'T the DIL.....🙄

My DH and SIL have gone NC with MIL because she is toxic, she's selfish and she's only interested in the youngest of her DC, which just happens to be the one that's given her biological GC.
He's an entitled, molly coddled prick and he treats his DM in such a vile manner, and she lets him.
Years of just ignoring it have come to a head and she has no one to blame but herself.

Her text is so strange and would make me suspicious that she's abusive or controlling

I'm NC with my parents and DP is LC with his. Both sets are toxic in their own ways. When I see "mummy's boy" used in a derogatory way I just feel quite sad, because I'm just envious of anyone who actually has parents they can have a close, loving relationship with. I don't know what that feels like. The idea that it's used to put people down is kind of gross.

Plus "mummy's boy" as a pejorative obviously reinforces all sorts of toxic masculinity stereotypes, and is only ever used by the sort of territorial woman who considers every interaction a power play and feels herself to be in a competition with every other woman she encounters.

I don’t think that your situation can be taken as a general principle. When DH and I married I didn’t expect him to just drop his mother, but she’d become my friend by then anyway so we all enjoyed spending time together. We almost certainly saw ILs more than DH would have done if he was still single because I would suggest we popped round etc. And it didn’t occur to me to be upset about her phoning (although it might have been annoying if it were every day but it wasn’t so a non-issue).

Now I’m a MIL so I see it from the other side but again I haven’t been dropped at all and DIL and I get on brilliantly. I don’t think she’d be upset if I phoned twice a week, although that’s not how it works with us. We tend to video chat once a week (me and DH and DS and DIL) and then WhatsApp if there’s anything midweek. Some weeks there’s no WhatsApp at all and others, if there’s something to discuss or someone’s got a birthday or job interview of something there’s a bit of a flurry. Occasionally I will message DS privately if it’s something about DIL’s birthday or something like that but I really try to treat them as a unit and so most messages are joint. I think in this regard you just have to accept that all of your time with your DS is likely to also be with DIL. This is especially true if you don’t live near each other. That felt a bit odd to me to start with because DS and I have always been close but I think you have to embrace it and just be glad that your DS has a wife who really loves him. Maybe instead of messaging your son to check on him like that, do it a bit differently and check on them as a couple, something like ‘how are you guys doing this week? Hope all well and that the stresses and strains of x,y,z aren’t getting you both down too much’…or something! It may be that your son is down and if so that will affect them both, not just him and so maybe her response to your messages to your son comes from a place of stress about a situation that she’s struggling to help him with.

I get on great with my MiL, we see the in-laws about every two weeks for most of the year, and me and her message. Since we’re together he probably sees her more than before and I can’t imagine sending a rude message like that to the mother of my partner!

Sounds like u have over stepped the mark at some point so dil doesn’t like u.

I would be the first to admit that there are some concerning family dynamics among my in-laws and that there were difficulties in our marriage until DH’s priorities shifted from his dps to his dw and dc.

However, one of the things I admire about him is his commitment to family, and I think the way a man treats his dm is a good predictor of what he will be like as a dh. Mine had to develop better boundaries and learn resilience in the face of manipulation and guilt tripping. And I like to think that my influence as a very honest and straightforward person helped highlight the problem. He once told me that he felt he could relax in our relationship because I don’t play games. His dm is still a nightmare but she’s his mother and it’s ok with me that he cares about her.

I’m sure she considers me a bit of a nightmare dil too; of all his siblings, dh is the only one who didn’t divorce.

I'd see my parents in law more but my husband is less interested in seeing them as he finds them quite difficult.
I'd like a closer relationship with them.
I wouldn't dream of telling his mother she can't ask if he is ok. That's her son of course she can check on him.

My MIL was a lot nicer than my mum. Dh found my mum intrusive and I fully agreed with him. My MIL was a decent person

I absolutely adored my MIL. She said that she felt her relationship with her son, my DH, was closer than it would have been if he hadn't been with me, because of meeting up regularly, never forgetting birthdays, phoning regularly etc

I organised all contact & presents for DH family. Mil would call or text him but he'd never arrange anything with her.

Now I'm non contact with his family, my dh never buys anyone gifts, remembers birthdays or visits regularly ... not my problem & I hope Mil realises everything was down to me

Yes my son always has to remind his dgf that there are two families. She would if could spend all time at hers. Even when visiting you can see she is dying to go to hers . Thankfully my son is fair but I could see some men giving in for easy life if wife is more dominant. Plus if these women have sons they need to remember it could happen to them. On flip side I’ve fab relationship with my MIL more than my own mother

Just utter nonsense, OP. Don't believe clichés.

Yes my son always has to remind his dgf that there are two families. She would if could spend all time at hers. Even when visiting you can see she is dying to go to hers .

I should imagine that's true true for a lot of couples though-feeling more relaxed with their own mum.

As you say, it's the way that it's handled.